Purpose

I lost my baby.

It's been almost six weeks since our angel baby went home to be with Christ.  Six weeks of putting away the few baby items we had accumulated since finding out we were pregnant.  Six weeks of learning how to move forward and trust God.  Six weeks of watching friends and family who are pregnant hit milestones, get ultrasounds, and reveal genders that we don't get to experience right now.

And while that feels like six weeks of torture and pain, it's been a very enlightening six weeks for me.

God has spoken to me a lot during my healing time, and has opened my eyes to so much that He wants me to know.  He's shown me just how strong I really am, and how deep my faith in Him runs.  He's taught me what His timing means, and that when His time comes, the blessings will be perfect.  He's given me the opportunity to bless others and to be a witness of His provisions and strength.

One of the biggest things I struggled with through all of this was how I was supposed to praise God through this storm.  It's a song lyric I hear, a Christian sentiment that is passed on so often to remind us to stay strong through the dark times we experience.  But I quickly found it's much easier to say it than to do it.  How am I supposed to raise my hands and thank God for this overwhelming sadness?  What do I say in praise to Him when all I can do is cry and ask why?  How in the world am I supposed to be thankful that I had to fall in love with this little baby that I lost before I even had the chance to hold them?

It's not easy.
I don't even know if I did it right.
And at first, praising Him through all of this was almost as painful as the loss itself, especially when all I wanted to do was yell at Him for letting me experience all of this, only to have it taken away.

So I was honest with Him.  I told Him how I had no idea how I was supposed to praise Him and be thankful through all of this pain and anger.  I asked Him to give me the words of praise because I didn't even know what to say.  I thanked Him for letting me be a mommy to this little baby, even if it was only for 9 weeks.  For days, those few statements were all I could manage.  But that's all it took.  He began to open my eyes to the strength He was giving me, and the trust I was putting in Him to bless us in His perfect timing.  He reminded me that every tear I've cried, He's holding in His hands along with our Nugget.  And He showed me that through it all, He was my rock, my salvation, and my saving grace that knows the desires of my heart as I seek Him.  Eventually, my prayers became less about why this happened, and more about thanking God for His bigger plan, even if I couldn't see it or understand it.

Without a doubt, God has used this loss to not only show me how strong I am through Him, but to allow me to be a light to others who don't understand how I can find peace and strength through all of this sadness.

I lost my baby.
My heart still aches for the little one I will never get to hold during my time on this Earth.
But I know that God has used this loss for His glory and for His bigger plan, and I find so much security and joy in knowing that if even one person in my life had a clearer understanding of where my peace, strength, and comfort comes from, then I know that my loss is His gain.

Baby K Update

It finally happened - we're pregnant!!  It still feels very surreal, like it's all a dream and I'm going to wake up tomorrow and realize that we still have months of trying ahead of us.  I'm writing this on August 25, but I won't actually be publishing it until September 15 due to waiting until we're officially at 8 weeks before making the announcement public.  Here's our story...

Things around our house have been...stressful...to say the least.  I quit my job about a month ago to go back to school full-time, which has made money a bit tighter than usual for us.  We're doing just fine, paying bills and such, but going from two incomes to one is an adjustment to say the least.  I'm preparing to start my first semester of grad school tomorrow, which has me both excited and nervous, but I know that this is a door God has finally opened for me so I'm putting my worries in Him.  H is about to head back to his original unit as they return from deployment which is going to shake up his work situation more than he'd like.  He's had a great run at his current unit while his original unit was deployed and made a really good impression on a lot of his CO's, but with his original unit coming home and the transition back to that unit comes having to start back at square-one in terms of proving he's a squared-away soldier ready to take on responsibilities and start going to schools.

So, yeah, to say our household has been under stress lately is a bit of an understatement.

When I realized I was a few days late, I just chalked it up to the fact that I'm under stress and didn't think too much else of it, especially since last month I thought our timing for making Baby K was off due to my trip home for my cousin's wedding (H didn't come with me, and while we "took care of business" prior to me leaving, I didn't think we were close enough to my O date).  Then I caught myself crying while watching a touching segment on ESPN's SportsCenter.  Yes.  I cried while watching a piece about a Make-a-Wish kid and the Arizona Diamond Backs.  That's when I knew I needed to test.

Fast forward to about 12:30pm and I'm crying in the bathroom over the two VERY dark lines on my positive test.  H had just gone back to work from his lunch break, and I've had a plan since April about how I wanted to surprise him with the good news, so I went into "freak out, cry, happy dance, gotta get this surprise put together" mode.  Thank goodness for my bestie #2 up here who went through pregnancy/delivery at Fort Drum and knew how to direct me - calling the doctor, setting up a blood test, getting all goofy excited for me over the phone.  The usual.  :)  At 3pm I took another test, just for kicks and giggles (and to make sure I wasn't the fluke patient who would have a false positive test - do those even happen?!).  Again, two VERY dark lines.  Called the doctor and scheduled myself for bloodwork the following morning, and eagerly started putting together H's surprise:

To say H was shocked is an understatement.  I'm pretty sure he sat there silently, staring at the items in the box for a solid 10 minutes before anything actually registered in his mind.  (For the record, H is the third man in his family to have his name, so we have always referred to Baby K as "the fourth", hence the blue note).  In fact, I'm pretty sure it didn't actually settle in until the next afternoon when I got the call from my doctor's office confirming my two positive HPT's.

So it's official - Baby K (or Nugget, as I've been calling him/her) is due to arrive April 27, 2014!  I'm exactly 5 weeks pregnant as I write this, and my parents just left from visiting for the weekend.  It was amazing getting to tell them in person, since I really thought I'd have to do it over Facetime or Skype with us being 500 miles away from them.  We surprised them at dinner on Thursday night, and they are almost as excited as we are.  Tonight we'll be calling H's mom to tell her, which I'm a little more nervous about.  It's her first grandbaby, and my parent's second.  We've told a very few select close friends, but as for everyone else...well they have to wait until September 15 to find out :)  And chances are, if you're reading this, you probably just found out today, too!

Go have a celebratory drink (or two) for me, since it'll be a looooong time before I can have one, and remember to trust God in His timing - it'll all work out when He's ready for it to.

xoxo, M

Back at it

Hello.

Remember when I used to blog all the time?  Yeah...me too.

Things have been very chaotic around here, which I'll get to, but it almost felt like there wasn't anything to blog about even though there has been so much going on.  I don't know, I guess because I feel like this is all becoming a normal part of our life as an Army family, it wasn't interesting enough to actually write about.  But after seeing a dear friend of mine pick back up on her blogging, and how maybe if I do the same I'll be able to stick to some things that I need to work on the way she is.  So thanks, Katie, for inspiring me to get back to blogging and back to refocusing on my lifestyle goals!

Alright, so let's update!
May: My best friend Krista moved in with me so I wasn't completely alone while H was gone.  It was good to have her there, and to know that when I was having a lonely day that she was there to help me get through it.  We celebrated my 26th birthday (26! I'm officially closer to 30 than 20...gross) and our best friend Abbie's 21st.  H also got a 36-hour pass at the end of the month, so we got to Facetime and actually see each other for the first time since he left.

June:  I finished out the school year at the Montessori school, which was exciting but very, very sad.  It meant that I was that much closer to being reunited with H but saying goodbye to the kids and the staff that I had grown so close to was extremely hard for me.  June also held a visit from my brother, a friend's wedding, and 2 solid weeks of shenanigans with my besties before having to move out of BG.

July: July 1st I moved out of BG for the first time in 7 years, which was truly the end of an era.  But moving back to my parents' house was going to be good, financially and emotionally, before I had to move to whatever base the Army would be sending us.  Mid-way through July was H's OSUT graduation, too!  My parents and I took a week-long trip to Ft. Benning, GA to watch H graduate and get his infantryman cord.  I could not have been more proud of him!  Georgia was beautiful, and I even had a chance to stop by my sorority's headquarters and get a  private, after-hours tour of the building.  July also gave me one last chance to head back to BG to spend a night out on the town with my best friends.  And of course, July was the Olympics, which Krista and I made sure to celebrate appropriately (aka wearing our goggles and gold medals while cheering on Team USA together!)

July also brought a major change in our plans.  Due to some ridiculously complicated Army mumbo-jumbo (for lack of an easier/better way to explain it haha) H's contract got changed at the last minute.  For him, this meant taking a detour from his original plan/dream and for me, it meant having the opportunity to move to a base with H a lot sooner than anticipated.  While I was sad that H's plans had to take this detour, it was hard not to be just a little happy to be reunited with H sooner than we'd originally though, especially after spending the past 5 months apart.

August:  August brought "the move," which meant that it also brought a wonderful going away party where I got to see old and far-away friends before moving to our newest destination - Fort Drum, New York.  Don't know where that is?  Get a map of New York.  Next, locate Syracuse.  Okay, now go straight north of Syracuse and put your finger on the Canadian border.  Got it?  Depending on the size of your map, your finger may already be covering Fort Drum.  Yes, that's just how north we really are.  But it's beautiful here, and living on post has been great so far.  Check back with me in about a month when it starts snowing and I may have a different answer for you... :)

So now we're into September, and things have settled down a bit.  H's battalion has been out of state doing some training, but because they left around the time that I moved up here, he didn't have to go because he was on leave.  While he's waiting for them to get back, he's been training for his Expert Infantryman Badge and keeping busy on Rear Detachment (hehehe that makes me giggle every time I say it!), but I think he's ready to have his battalion and his friends back soon.  I've been keeping busy setting up our new house, getting involved on post through church, and taking care of our new furbaby, Riley.  I've also started working a part-time job in retail, but praying daily for God to open up a teaching position for me.  I have a second interview at a preschool on Tuesday morning, so hopefully this is the door that God is opening for me!

Faith has been extremely important through all of this.  Faith that God would help us get through the separation, faith for what was going on with H's contract, faith while waiting for housing to open up in a timely matter for us (we only had to wait 1 week after I moved here before our house was ready--praise God!), faith that I would find a job, faith that he would help us find a perfect home church up here, and so much more!  He has truly taken care of us in so many ways and provided for us when things were tight and scary.  He is so good, and we continue to look to Him for strength, guidance, and help as we are adjusting to our new life.

With a new home, a new location, and a new plan for our lives comes a need for a new (or I guess renewed) drive for getting back to my healthy lifestyle again.  I'm an emotional eater, and that's nothing new.  So while H was gone and I had a lot of emotion running around, it was really hard to stay focused on eating well and working out, which lead to a jump in my weight that I'm not happy about or proud of.  I mean, it's nothing major but it's enough that I notice it and don't like it.  Now that we're settled, I'm hoping we can get refocused on being back to pretty strict Paleo and getting back into the gym at least 4-5 times a week.  It's what we both need and I have got to stop feeling so down on myself all the time about my looks and weight.  So hopefully by being back into the blogging world, I can keep better track of my goals and where I'm at in reaching them.  I won't give up, because I know how much I need this right now.

So that's our life.  Over the past 4 months, I've lived in 4 different places (if you include living at the hotel while we waited for our house to open up), I've reunited with H, we've adopted a kitten, and I've started a new job with the prospects of getting back into the classroom.  I've learned to trust God for so much and be patient for His timing.  And I've officially stepped into the role of Army wife.

I couldn't love life more right now!

Provisions

Pop Quiz: What does it mean to provide?

A) Does it mean that you get what you want when you want it, no questions asked.
B) Does it mean that what if what you want also lines up with what you need, it will happen.
C) Does it mean that what you need will come to you, but only when the time is right, and even if it's not exactly what you think you need, what you expected, or even what you wanted.

More and more, I'm feeling like it's the 3rd answer.

I routinely pray for God to provide for us in terms of jobs, living expenses, and just in general to help us keep going when we have no idea how things are going to work out. Sometimes it all happens and falls into place exactly how I have it planned out and think it should happen, but other times it feels like we're just barely getting by, and I wonder why God chooses how He provides. I know it's all part of a bigger plan, and that He has the most incredible plans for our lives, but sometimes I wonder how/why He lets things pan out the way they do and how that plays into His plan for our life. Because there are times where I look at how things are playing out and I wonder how this barely getting by at the very last minute thing is teaching us anything about God or His plan. I'm not complaining, because I know He has always provided in the past and will continue to provide as I seek Him for guidance and help, and even if it wasn't the provision I'd expected, it always worked out. But the curiosity in me wonders how and why He does what He does when He does it.

I'm continuing to thank God for all He does and all He provides and trust Him to continue providing for us, but I still wonder...

Strength...?

What does it mean to be strong?

Does it mean that you don't give up on a situation, no matter how difficult or disagreeable it is, because you are going to finish what you've started?

Or does it mean that you refuse to do something that you don't agree with, even if it means giving up on something that you started when you're only halfway done?

And how do you know if you're strong when sometimes being strong can feel like being weak? When you feel like you're being strong because you're finishing something you started, but in reality you question if you're weak for not standing up for something you believe in just so you can finish what you've started.

I used to feel strong. I felt like I knew what I was doing and that I was doing the right thing by following my heart and where God is leading me. But now, I don't know. Did God put me here to teach me how to be strong by pushing through and finishing what I've started no matter how big the struggles are (and maybe teaching me a little something about faith in the process)? Or did God put me here to teach me how to be strong by standing up for what I truly believe in and saying "enough" to things that I know aren't right? I don't know anymore. I'm confused and I'm torn and I don't know what strong even means at this point.

How can I have strength when I feel so exhausted from trying to figure out what strength even is...?

Lost

I didn't get the job in Fostoria. They chose not to hire on a new teacher due to financial restraints, and instead disbursed the extra classes between other teachers. I understand why I didn't get hired, because I know that if they had the finances they would have hired me for the position.

Now I'm feeling lost. That was the one job that I knew I could have if they were able to have an opening. I'm not a shoe-in for any other job I apply for. I feel like that was my one hope, and now it's gone.

I want to trust God. I want to believe that He's got a plan (I know he does, but it's hard to remember that sometimes...) and that something will come through for the fall. But I feel so lost right now...

Running in Circles

It's funny how sometimes God lets you run around trying to figure things out on your own, when in reality you're running in a circle and you'll end up right back exactly where God wanted you in the first place.

For instance, all of this nonsense about me worrying about what's going to happen with a job in the fall and where my life is headed. I started out a few months ago firmly following the statement of "Possessing the promises of God begins with the unshakable certainty that God will never forget what He has promised you." I love that quote because it reminds me of 2 things: 1) God has promised me an amazing future and plan for my life; and 2) that He won't forget about that promise IF I firmly believe that He will come through. I gotta hold up my end of the bargain, because why would God want to bless me with these amazing things He's promised me if I don't have faith that He will?

Well, I haven't really been keeping up my end of the bargain lately. Unshakable certainty has been more like luke-warm hope, and that's not what He's asking for. He's asking me to have undeniable faith in His word and promise to me (Oh hey there Blind Faith...we meet again) and I've really been struggling with it. I've got family and friends constantly telling me to have faith and pray because God will come through, but it's going in one ear and out the other. Until yesterday. At my mom's church, a woman who I have never met before or talked to came up to me after the service and introduced herself. She said "I know we've never met, and I don't even know your name, but God has been talking to my heart all through this service and he wants me to tell you something. God has an amazing plan for your life, and he wants you to remember that." My jaw could have hit the floor. How did this woman, who I have never even seen at this church before (although I haven't really been there since I was home for Easter...so she could be new) know that I needed to hear that exact message? It's got to be God, without a doubt.

It just meant a lot more coming from this woman who I didn't know. I know my friends and family are always going to say things like "have hope!" and "keep praying, it'll happen!" because they support me and that's what they do (not that there is anything wrong with that, but after a while you start to wonder what's genuine and what's said out of obligation or to make you feel better) but this woman had nothing to gain from saying this to me. And because there was no motivation beyond "God wants me to tell you this," I felt like it meant so much more (sorry to my friends and family who read this; I hope you can understand what I mean here-- I honestly do appreciate everything you say and do in support of me!) to hear it from this complete stranger, especially because if God has started to use other people who I don't even know to talk to me, His message is probably pretty important.

So once again, I was reminded of this promise from God. And as I'm driving to Parma last night to visit H, I have my usual "long car ride talk with God" (I like the privacy of talking to God in my car-- we have some great conversations on long car rides). And He gave me the revelation that I need to just have that blind faith, that unshakable certainty that He hasn't forgotten what He has promised me and that He's working on His plan for my life if I would just trust Him and let Him do it in His own time. He doesn't want me to sit and worry and doubt and question, He wants me to just believe without doubt that He is taking care of me. Which is what I was trying to do just a few months ago.

I totally came full circle on this one after running around like a chicken with my head cut off, all thanks to a stranger at church who God used to talk to me.

So. Now I'm just going to do my best not to worry or doubt, because God really is going to take care of me and open the next door of my life and my future. And all I had to do was run in circles for a while while I waited for God to show me this.

Totally worth the exercise. :)

Update: Feeling Discouraged

Okay, it's rare that I post more than once a day (in fact, I think this might be the first time...) but I've had 2 really great things today that have made me feel a little less discouraged, so I wanted to share.

1. I still worked out today. I did some weight training, which really didn't feel that great on my muscles, but I worked through it. And then I ran half a mile, which felt really good to get some cardio done. Even though I'm still feeling discouraged about not seeing a lot of progress yet, I feel good that I didn't give up today and that I still worked out and pushed through the discouragement!

2. I've been stressed about how I was going to afford to make my loan payments this summer while I didn't have a job. I've been doing a lot of praying about it, and trying to have blind faith about God coming through. Today, my loan company called me and offered me a 3-month grace period on my loan payments, meaning that I wouldn't have to make my first loan payment until almost 2 months after starting a permanent teaching job! Thank you God for coming through and answering 2 prayers: helping me figure out finances, and showing me the product of having blind faith!

Still not feeling great (it's this crummy weather, I'm telling ya) but at least I had 2 things go really well for me today to turn my discouragement around!

Feeling Discouraged

Maybe it's this crummy Ohio weather, with the rain and the wind and the 50 degree weather in May, but I'm feeling really discouraged today. Not just "don't want to do anything productive and pout" crummy, but full-blown "stay in bed watching bad Lifetime movies while eating leftover pizza" crummy. Not okay. I just feel like I'm putting in effort (not just in weight loss, but in other areas) and I'm not getting any kind of progress out of it. It's driving me crazy and it's making me feel like giving up.

Disclaimer: I'm about to get whiny.

First, there is my weight loss plan. I'm working out every day doing what H has put me on. I know that I'm making progress. Correction: I know that my muscles hurt and that I've stopped eating lots of my favorite foods. I think that means I'm making progress, but I don't feel like I've lost any weight, or that I'm actually doing anything to make me skinnier. I'm not giving up, because that's what I've always done when I got into this kind of rut, and that's why I'm now 35 pounds heavier than I want. So I'm going to keep working out every day and I'm going to keep eating healthy and I'm going to keep praying that eventually I will fit back into 90% of my closet/dresser that I currently can not wear... UGH!!!

Next, there's the fact that I feel like my relationship with God isn't as strong as it was 3 months ago. I don't feel like I've gotten further from God, but I feel like I'm running in place and I can't seem to connect with Him and get any closer. And it's not only that, but I also feel like my faith and trust in God isn't as strong as it was just a few months ago. I haven't lost my faith in Him, so please don't think that at all. But as I get closer to August and still don't have any kind of teaching prospects for the fall, it's harder and harder to trust that God will provide. I hate this feeling. I hate doubting Him, because I can sit here and quote verse after verse about having faith and waiting on His timing, but right now it's like it's going in one ear and out the other. I know that God will provide for me, even if it's not necessarily what I had planned, and that in the end it will be perfect because it's His plan for my life that matters the most (Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, "plans that will not harm you, but will give you a hope and a future.'") but as it gets closer to deadline time, it's harder to remember that and truly believe it. I used to sit here and have such strong belief and faith that I didn't have to worry about anything because God would provide and come through for me if I just had faith in Him and followed His plan for my life. But now, it's like I can't get back to that true blind faith, and it's really upsetting me (to the point of tears, as H found out last night on the phone). What am I supposed to do? I keep praying and asking for more faith and for God to take away my fears, but I feel almost like God's not listening (I know He is and that this is just a test of my faith, but it's absolutely killing me and I'm scared I'm not strong enough). I honestly feel like I'm running on a treadmill and I can see Gd in the distance, but I just can't press in and get closer to Him...

Finally, there is the whole job thing. This is mostly in reference to the fall, but it applies somewhat to the summer, too. I keep sending in applications online, and trying to check up on my interviews and applications that I've already sent in, but there is still absolutely no leads. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "absolutely no leads," because FHS wants to hire me but they have to wait on whether or not another teacher is going to retire. And as of yesterday, he still hasn't decided. It's just becoming so discouraging to hear about friends who are getting interview after interview for teaching jobs, and I haven't even heard back about my first interviews yet. What am I going to do if I don't get a teaching job for the fall? I have loan payments to make that I will not be able to afford without a full-time job. And if I am making any less than $30K in salary for the fall, I can't move back to BG into the apartment that H and I have been putting together, which is just heartbreaking. We have been planning this lifestyle together for the fall and for our future together, all of which is dependent on me getting a teaching job in the BG-area. I know I've still got a couple months before I really need to start freaking out, but I guess this all goes into the whole "blind faith that God has a plan" thing...

UGH! So discouraged and frustrated today! Honestly, I realize that all of this would go away if I could just really focus on having stronger faith in what God's plan for my life is, but that's so hard when I have no idea what that plan is. I guess that's the definition of blind faith.

Skinny Me: Day Three! and You Gotta Have Faith

Well, I haven't given up yet! I actually feel really good after today's workout. Yesterday, I woke up so sore from working out the day before, but today I woke up feeling good. I didn't hurt as bad, and I was actually looking forward to working out today. I did my Cosgrove circuit (7 exercises done right after each other for 1 circuit, and you do one less rep of each exercise each time you do the circuit until you're down to 1 rep) and then moved into my abs exercises, which I did as a circuit today, too. I was sweaty and hurting by the end of my workout today, but I guess that's how you know you've actually done something productive with a workout! :)

So today, I got up, did my exercises, and then decided to go pick up a few groceries so that I can start making healthier meals. I'm eating 5 to 6 smaller meals a day instead of 3 bigger ones so that it keeps my metabolism going. I'm also trying to include more protein and less processed foods into my diet (good bye fast food, tv dinners, pizza, and all my favorite sweet treats...but hello skinny me!) so I needed to pick up a few things to eat. I got turkey bacon, fresh veggies, low-fat cheese, yogurt, fruit, and whole wheat bread. After day 3 of working out and picking up some yummy, healthy foods, I'm feeling really good about all of this! I'm not giving up yet! Just need people to keep encouraging me on a daily basis so that I feel like I can do this.

On a side note, I still haven't heard anything back about any teaching jobs. I checked the Ohio Department of Education website today for new job postings from all over the state, but it seems like no one needs a high school English teacher right now. I'm still waiting to hear back about Fostoria, but right now that all seems to hinge on the retirement of another teacher. I know it's still early, and most schools don't require you to put in a notice that they aren't returning until mid-May anyway, so there is still time. I'm just really worried about not finding a placement for the fall. And for some reason, I haven't been relying on faith as much as I had been a few months ago. It's like I need a faith-check for all of this. I know that God will provide for me (Jehovah Jireh - God provides) and that in the end, He will put me exactly where I'm meant to be. But right now, I'm just really having a hard time connecting with God on that level. In fact, I'm having a hard time connecting with God on a deeper level, period. I don't feel like I'm getting further from God, I just feel like I'm having a hard time getting closer. It's like I was on fire for Him and I run fast enough to be closer to Him, and then all of a sudden *BOOM* I hit a wall and I can't get past it. So how do I break down that wall? How do I get past it and move closer to Him? Again, I don't feel like I'm further from Him or that I'm moving away from Him, but I feel like I'm running in place right now.

God, I need to be closer to you. I won't be satisfied with running in place and watching You from afar. Help me focus on breaking down this wall and being even deeper in Your presence. Don't let me forget that You have a greater plan for me, and that everything will work out according to that plan, and that as long as I commit myself to following Your ways and seeking out Your presence, You will fulfill that plan. Thank you for all the blessings that you have given me and that you have transformed me into a strong woman of faith. Continue to develop and grow that faith within me. Amen.

Army Strong

For those of you who haven't heard, H has decided to join the Army. Surprisingly, I'm okay with it. Probably more than I ever thought I would be... Let's rewind:

-2007: H and I meet and he spends the next few months getting me acquainted with his "12-year-old dream" of becoming an Army sniper. At first, I thought it was such a typical boy thing that he wanted to play soldier for the rest of his life. I didn't have anyone close to me in the military besides my cousin Wendy who is in the Navy, and I didn't know much about any of it besides that soldiers die.

-2008: As we continue to date and get closer and more serious, I realize how serious he actually is about wanting to join the Army one day. Again, I still don't know very much about it at all, but I'm not too keen on the idea of him going. While we don't totally know how serious this relationship is headed, I still fear the idea of losing him in battle and believe that being a soldier is for everyone except my boyfriend. I totally support the troops, please don't get me wrong, but the idea of being with a soldier and having the Army-spouse life and the potential for him to die overseas scared the living daylights out of me! I told him that I didn't want him to join the Army because it scared me-- I know that's really selfish of me, to stifle a childhood dream like that, but it just scared me so much to think of him dying and losing him that I didn't want him to join. Plus, he was still in school so I didn't think I needed to worry about it too much.

-2009-Present: My brother JP (H's best friend) leaves for basic training and then OCS (officer candidate school) in June, and he begins to replant the Army-bug in H's ear. When H and I go through a break-up and then a make-up, I begin to realize that maybe the best thing for him is to finish college and join the Army, where he can not only follow his childhood dream but also find some financial help for after college and a real focus for his future. Of course JP has been feeding me massive amounts of information about the Army (both good and bad) and I begin to do some of my own research. As much as it kills me to admit that, I realize that maybe the Army would be good for him, and eventually good for our future together.

The Army is going to do a lot of good for him, and as much as it's going to be a really intense and hard at times for us, I fully support his choice to join. He'll be graduating from college first, and then heading down to basic as an enlisted soldier. He'll be leaving in January-ish 2012, so at least we have a lot of time together first. The discussion of everything from the Army to our future has been intense over the past 2 weeks, but it's bringing us closer together and making us do a lot of planning and realizing about everything. I'm finding a lot of support from my friends who are already Army wives/fiances/girlfriends, too, which has been so great. Maybe it seems silly that I'm starting to look at this kind of stuff now, but we realize that we plan to be married before he gets stationed on a post so that I can move with him, and that's roughly 2 years from this summer, so I want to know as much about it as I can before we go in. There are a lot of great resources out there, including his recruiting officer, Sgt Aubrey, and we're going to use them all to find out as much as we can about what we're getting into. While times will get rough, and there will be days that I question why I chose to support this choice, I will NEVER stop supporting H or the troops-- I am in this 110% for as long as he needs me.

We've got a long and interesting road ahead of us, but we're both trusting God to get us through this and keep us strong. If there was ever a need for blind faith, this is it!! So this blog has now become not only my ramblings on my journey of faith, but also on how that faith is involved in my new road to becoming an Army wife!

Let Go, and Let God

I'm really struggling with the concept of "trust" lately. Not so much with God, more-so with people. Specifically, with H. Which, I guess when you look at it, is trusting God in a round-about way...?

I have zero doubt that God brought H and I back together. But because of how things have happened for H and I over the past 2 1/2 years, I really struggle with trusting him. (note: this is not meaning that I don't trust him to be honest with me, or to be faithful to me, or anything like that.) I have trusted him with my heart 2 other times in the past, and that has gotten me hurt both times. I am so afraid to trust him with my heart a third time, so while we have been working through relationship things over the past month, I still have a lot of walls up to protect myself. It's an awful feeling! I hate that the man who I consider my best friend, the one who I love and want to spend my future with, I can't seem to trust completely or let my guard down around when it comes to love. It's so frustrating and I don't know how to get over it.

And then I look at it this way: If God brought us back together, and I am having doubts with trust, am I doubting what God has done or doubting God altogether? Which makes me feel even worse!

Here's what I know:
-I want to spend my future with H
-God has brought H and I back together because of my trust in Him and my desire to follow His will in my life
-I need Him to teach me how to trust and to heal my heart from all of the baggage that H and I now carry

God, please teach me how to trust. Open up my heart again and let me realize that if it's in Your hands (which I know it is) I don't have to worry about it because I know that you're taking care of it. Don't let me doubt the amazing things you have done in my life, or the things that you have blessed me with. Please continue to bring H and I closer together and work us through all of our relationship needs. Make our relationship foundation built in You and You alone, and remind me daily (or hourly, if needed!) that I've let go, so now it's time to let You do your thing! Thank you for all the blessings you've given me, and for bringing H back into my life. Teach me how to trust and heal my heart again. Amen.

Blind Faith

Well, the nanny job did not work out. The woman was extremely nice, but I think the language barrier was going to be a problem, especially since I don't speak Lithuanian, so she decided to go with a close family friend who does speak the language. Maybe that's okay though-- it gives me the opportunity to continue subbing in the area, particularly at Fostoria, which will hopefully lead to a full-time position in the fall. Just going to keep putting out teaching applications and trusting God to lead me to the job that He wants me to fill.

My brother came to visit me last week while he was on leave from the Army. It was great to see him and spend time with him, but he brought up an interesting point-- how can I have blind faith? I had never considered the term "blind faith" before JP brought it up, but it definitely explains what I've got. I have gotten to a level of faith and trust with God that is so beautiful! It really is a blind faith; I know that I don't have to worry about anything because God is taking care of me! As long as I do my part, God will provide-- I'll turn in my teaching applications and God will provide me with a job in a school where I can do great things in His name. I'll continue to tithe and God will provide me with financial blessings as I need them. I will focus my relationships around Him and God will provide me with a beautiful and mature relationship. When something comes along that causes a roadblock or a challenge to me, I send it up in prayer knowing that when it's in His hands, I have nothing to worry about. JP tells me that he's jealous that I can have such strong blind faith, and that he doesn't understand it. I've tried explaining: when the Creator of all things has my life in His hands, who/what do I need to worry about or fear? I wish I could explain it better, but sometimes the amazing things God does in my life can't be put into words--the joy and amazement I get from Him is indescribable!

Speaking of relationships...
H and I sat down last Friday night and had an extremely long conversation (lasted almost 3 hours!) about our relationship past, present, and future. I have spent literally months in prayer about him and about us, and this is truly where my blind faith began. I continued to pray and believe that if God wanted us together, then in His time, He would make it happen. I didn't worry about it, and I didn't stress over whether or not it would happen, because I knew that if I wasn't meant to be with H that somewhere out there God had a man who was perfect for me, so what did I have to worry about. Blind faith! So after months of prayer (including "if he's not meant to be in my life, God, then get him completely out of it!" but 4 months later, he is still a prominent part of my life and not by my own prompting) and waiting and living in His word, God has connected us again. I truly believe, based on God's covenant in His word, that if we focus on our relationship with God and follow His commands, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4-7). Being in a mature relationship with H is definitely a desire of my heart (a BIG one!) and I believe that because I have so diligently committed my life to God that He is now rewarding me! Praise God!

Now, don't jump to anything, because we certainly aren't. We realize that there were a lot of things off about our relationship the last time we were together and that was a HUGE part of our conversation on Friday as well as the subsequent conversations since. We have decided that any future relationship between us needs a firm foundation in both friendship and in Christ, and we are working on that daily now. We are both choosing not to see other people right now as we work on our own relationship, and we are taking it slow--so slow, in fact, that we aren't even going to hang out or see each other until August when I move back. That's 5 months of praying and waiting and rebuilding before we even attempt to take the next step. He has done a lot over the past 4 months to prove to me that he is ready to be an adult and be on the same level as me, and has even decided to join the Army to create a plan and some stability for his/our future (please keep that in prayer!). I will continue to pray and trust God to lead us both down the right paths of this relationship and make us strong together in His name. Once again, I'm giving this up to blind faith and putting it in God's hands, because I truly believe that God has it in His plans for us to be together.

On another note: Moving home in about a month and a half for the summer. I'm excited about getting out of BG for a while, going home and not worrying about bills, getting some quality family time in, and having a chance to lay by the pool all summer with mom! However, those pesky loan payments are creeping up and sometimes it's so hard to get that fear out of my head. I have been working hard on saving my money up from subbing this semester, but I am still so worried that I won't have enough for one loan payment, let alone 2 that I'll have to pay before my first teacher salary paycheck comes through in the fall. I'm also worried that I won't be able to find a job this summer back home, which will put a cramp in being able to pay loans and my credit card bill all summer. I know that I can't rely on Mom and Dad to pay it for me, one because I'm an adult and I need to become financially independent, and two because they can't afford it either, so I worry about that often. I need to just trust God that because I have been faithful about tithing, it will be okay. I think I need some blind faith about that...

Jehovah Jireh means "God will provide" so I will turn my prayers to Him. Psalm 111:5 says "He provides food for those who fear Him; He remembers His covenant forever." God has promised me (His covenant to me) a future that will prosper me and give me a hope (Jeremiah 29:11) and because I fear Him, He will not forget that covenant. God will provide, I just need to trust and have faith.