Thursday, March 18, 2010

Blind Faith

Well, the nanny job did not work out. The woman was extremely nice, but I think the language barrier was going to be a problem, especially since I don't speak Lithuanian, so she decided to go with a close family friend who does speak the language. Maybe that's okay though-- it gives me the opportunity to continue subbing in the area, particularly at Fostoria, which will hopefully lead to a full-time position in the fall. Just going to keep putting out teaching applications and trusting God to lead me to the job that He wants me to fill.

My brother came to visit me last week while he was on leave from the Army. It was great to see him and spend time with him, but he brought up an interesting point-- how can I have blind faith? I had never considered the term "blind faith" before JP brought it up, but it definitely explains what I've got. I have gotten to a level of faith and trust with God that is so beautiful! It really is a blind faith; I know that I don't have to worry about anything because God is taking care of me! As long as I do my part, God will provide-- I'll turn in my teaching applications and God will provide me with a job in a school where I can do great things in His name. I'll continue to tithe and God will provide me with financial blessings as I need them. I will focus my relationships around Him and God will provide me with a beautiful and mature relationship. When something comes along that causes a roadblock or a challenge to me, I send it up in prayer knowing that when it's in His hands, I have nothing to worry about. JP tells me that he's jealous that I can have such strong blind faith, and that he doesn't understand it. I've tried explaining: when the Creator of all things has my life in His hands, who/what do I need to worry about or fear? I wish I could explain it better, but sometimes the amazing things God does in my life can't be put into words--the joy and amazement I get from Him is indescribable!

Speaking of relationships...
H and I sat down last Friday night and had an extremely long conversation (lasted almost 3 hours!) about our relationship past, present, and future. I have spent literally months in prayer about him and about us, and this is truly where my blind faith began. I continued to pray and believe that if God wanted us together, then in His time, He would make it happen. I didn't worry about it, and I didn't stress over whether or not it would happen, because I knew that if I wasn't meant to be with H that somewhere out there God had a man who was perfect for me, so what did I have to worry about. Blind faith! So after months of prayer (including "if he's not meant to be in my life, God, then get him completely out of it!" but 4 months later, he is still a prominent part of my life and not by my own prompting) and waiting and living in His word, God has connected us again. I truly believe, based on God's covenant in His word, that if we focus on our relationship with God and follow His commands, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4-7). Being in a mature relationship with H is definitely a desire of my heart (a BIG one!) and I believe that because I have so diligently committed my life to God that He is now rewarding me! Praise God!

Now, don't jump to anything, because we certainly aren't. We realize that there were a lot of things off about our relationship the last time we were together and that was a HUGE part of our conversation on Friday as well as the subsequent conversations since. We have decided that any future relationship between us needs a firm foundation in both friendship and in Christ, and we are working on that daily now. We are both choosing not to see other people right now as we work on our own relationship, and we are taking it slow--so slow, in fact, that we aren't even going to hang out or see each other until August when I move back. That's 5 months of praying and waiting and rebuilding before we even attempt to take the next step. He has done a lot over the past 4 months to prove to me that he is ready to be an adult and be on the same level as me, and has even decided to join the Army to create a plan and some stability for his/our future (please keep that in prayer!). I will continue to pray and trust God to lead us both down the right paths of this relationship and make us strong together in His name. Once again, I'm giving this up to blind faith and putting it in God's hands, because I truly believe that God has it in His plans for us to be together.

On another note: Moving home in about a month and a half for the summer. I'm excited about getting out of BG for a while, going home and not worrying about bills, getting some quality family time in, and having a chance to lay by the pool all summer with mom! However, those pesky loan payments are creeping up and sometimes it's so hard to get that fear out of my head. I have been working hard on saving my money up from subbing this semester, but I am still so worried that I won't have enough for one loan payment, let alone 2 that I'll have to pay before my first teacher salary paycheck comes through in the fall. I'm also worried that I won't be able to find a job this summer back home, which will put a cramp in being able to pay loans and my credit card bill all summer. I know that I can't rely on Mom and Dad to pay it for me, one because I'm an adult and I need to become financially independent, and two because they can't afford it either, so I worry about that often. I need to just trust God that because I have been faithful about tithing, it will be okay. I think I need some blind faith about that...

Jehovah Jireh means "God will provide" so I will turn my prayers to Him. Psalm 111:5 says "He provides food for those who fear Him; He remembers His covenant forever." God has promised me (His covenant to me) a future that will prosper me and give me a hope (Jeremiah 29:11) and because I fear Him, He will not forget that covenant. God will provide, I just need to trust and have faith.

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