Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Feeling Discouraged

Maybe it's this crummy Ohio weather, with the rain and the wind and the 50 degree weather in May, but I'm feeling really discouraged today. Not just "don't want to do anything productive and pout" crummy, but full-blown "stay in bed watching bad Lifetime movies while eating leftover pizza" crummy. Not okay. I just feel like I'm putting in effort (not just in weight loss, but in other areas) and I'm not getting any kind of progress out of it. It's driving me crazy and it's making me feel like giving up.

Disclaimer: I'm about to get whiny.

First, there is my weight loss plan. I'm working out every day doing what H has put me on. I know that I'm making progress. Correction: I know that my muscles hurt and that I've stopped eating lots of my favorite foods. I think that means I'm making progress, but I don't feel like I've lost any weight, or that I'm actually doing anything to make me skinnier. I'm not giving up, because that's what I've always done when I got into this kind of rut, and that's why I'm now 35 pounds heavier than I want. So I'm going to keep working out every day and I'm going to keep eating healthy and I'm going to keep praying that eventually I will fit back into 90% of my closet/dresser that I currently can not wear... UGH!!!

Next, there's the fact that I feel like my relationship with God isn't as strong as it was 3 months ago. I don't feel like I've gotten further from God, but I feel like I'm running in place and I can't seem to connect with Him and get any closer. And it's not only that, but I also feel like my faith and trust in God isn't as strong as it was just a few months ago. I haven't lost my faith in Him, so please don't think that at all. But as I get closer to August and still don't have any kind of teaching prospects for the fall, it's harder and harder to trust that God will provide. I hate this feeling. I hate doubting Him, because I can sit here and quote verse after verse about having faith and waiting on His timing, but right now it's like it's going in one ear and out the other. I know that God will provide for me, even if it's not necessarily what I had planned, and that in the end it will be perfect because it's His plan for my life that matters the most (Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, "plans that will not harm you, but will give you a hope and a future.'") but as it gets closer to deadline time, it's harder to remember that and truly believe it. I used to sit here and have such strong belief and faith that I didn't have to worry about anything because God would provide and come through for me if I just had faith in Him and followed His plan for my life. But now, it's like I can't get back to that true blind faith, and it's really upsetting me (to the point of tears, as H found out last night on the phone). What am I supposed to do? I keep praying and asking for more faith and for God to take away my fears, but I feel almost like God's not listening (I know He is and that this is just a test of my faith, but it's absolutely killing me and I'm scared I'm not strong enough). I honestly feel like I'm running on a treadmill and I can see Gd in the distance, but I just can't press in and get closer to Him...

Finally, there is the whole job thing. This is mostly in reference to the fall, but it applies somewhat to the summer, too. I keep sending in applications online, and trying to check up on my interviews and applications that I've already sent in, but there is still absolutely no leads. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "absolutely no leads," because FHS wants to hire me but they have to wait on whether or not another teacher is going to retire. And as of yesterday, he still hasn't decided. It's just becoming so discouraging to hear about friends who are getting interview after interview for teaching jobs, and I haven't even heard back about my first interviews yet. What am I going to do if I don't get a teaching job for the fall? I have loan payments to make that I will not be able to afford without a full-time job. And if I am making any less than $30K in salary for the fall, I can't move back to BG into the apartment that H and I have been putting together, which is just heartbreaking. We have been planning this lifestyle together for the fall and for our future together, all of which is dependent on me getting a teaching job in the BG-area. I know I've still got a couple months before I really need to start freaking out, but I guess this all goes into the whole "blind faith that God has a plan" thing...

UGH! So discouraged and frustrated today! Honestly, I realize that all of this would go away if I could just really focus on having stronger faith in what God's plan for my life is, but that's so hard when I have no idea what that plan is. I guess that's the definition of blind faith.

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