Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Don't Hold Back

I'm putting it all out there.

Went to the doctor yesterday.  According to Guthrie Medical Clinic, I weigh 187 pounds with 37% body fat.


My BMI is officially in the "obese" range (though thankfully at the low end, and I definitely don't feel obese, or even feel like I look obese).

I feel disgusted by myself for getting this bad.  When H and I met 5 years ago, I weighed 50 pounds less and was much healthier/happier about my body.  I know all about "happy relationship weight" but that doesn't make how I'm feeling ab out myself any better.

Ugh, why can't I seem to stick to eating Paleo lately? I've been eating smaller portions at work for breakfast and lunch, mainly because I'm eating what the kids eat in the kid-size portions, but when I get home all I want to do is graze and munch.  I'm trying to get us back on track with meal planning, because that definitely helps to minimize my munching and my "I don't know what to make so lets just order something" meal cop-out.  But it seems like just as I'm having a few really good days of being on track, something pops up and I'll eat something I regret and all of a sudden I've been off-track for like a week and I feel totally guilty. 

I really need to get back to the gym, too.  H is out on profile for a knee injury so he can't work out as normal, and I'm going to totally take advantage of it by making him become my Meaning McMeanerson Workout Coach and have him kick my butt at the gym.  I just end up being so tired after work that I come home to relax before working out, which turns into never actually going to the gym.  So H has promised to start meeting me at the gym right after work so there isn't even time for me to go home before working out.  Hopefully that's going to help get my butt in gear!

I need to focus.  I need to remember what my end goal is and that I've been there before so I can get back there again.  I can do this.


Saturday, September 22, 2012

A is for Apple, B is for Blessing

Ugh, it's the first day of Fall and it's too rainy to really go out and enjoy it!  Our plans for today involved getting hot pumpkin/apple drinks, going apple-picking, and seeing the beautiful leaves and scenery up here as the colors change.  Instead, we've spent the day inside in our comfy clothes trying to stay dry and warm (minus the short trip to the PX for wine and a few grocery items...you know, the necessities in life.  And yes, we may have gone in our comfy clothes.  But seriously, a world where it's not appropriate to wear yoga pants to the store on a rainy day is not a world I want to live in.)  The upside is that there is a Dunkin' Donuts at the PX so I at least was able to have a hot apple cider...

On the bright side, since it's been a rainy day at home, I've had a chance to actually get stuff done.  Our TV broke earlier this week, so we had to finally break down and buy a new one.  H wasn't too upset about that, because it meant we could finally get a flat-panel TV that he's been dreaming of/drooling over for the past year.  Thank goodness for clearance TVs and financing options, because otherwise we would have had to move the 19-inch console out of our bedroom and hope that you could see it from across the room on the couch!  However, due to making room for a larger TV and stand, plus all the packaging materials, our livingroom was absolutely a mess, so today was the perfect opportunity to get the house cleaned up and do some laundry--oh the joys of being a housewife! :) 

It's also given me a chance to start planning out some ideas for my new classroom.  This past week, I was hired as the lead preschool classroom teacher at a local preschool & daycare, and I couldn't be more excited!  I'll be taking over for the current lead teacher who is leaving next week.  Yesterday was my first full-day in the classroom shadowing her, which I will also be doing next week until she leaves so I get the chance to get used to a typical day in the classroom.  It's going to be an interesting transition from a Montessori to a public, non-Montessori setting, but I can see already that there are a lot of opportunities to introduce some Montessori ideals into the classroom that the kids would really benefit from.  The classroom is already set up in centers and follows Creative Curriculum (which I haven't looked into too much yet), but I see a lot of ways to incorporate Montessori - there are already some Montessori-ish works and ideas in place, they just need focused and used properly.  I've been talking about these ideas with the director and with my assistant teacher, and I'm excited about what's to come for my little ones!  There's so much potential with a new classroom, and I just pray that I can get my assistant teacher on-board with some of these ideas (she has never seen a Montessori classroom and doesn't really know what it is, so I'm hoping that she'll be open to learning and trying it).

God's abundant blessings just keep coming our way, and I feel so blessed to have a Savior who cares so much for us and who takes care of us!  Even when I'm worried about what's going to happen and when it's going to happen, I have the comfort of knowing that His timing is perfect and that He will provide!


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Back at it


Remember when I used to blog all the time?  Yeah...me too.

Things have been very chaotic around here, which I'll get to, but it almost felt like there wasn't anything to blog about even though there has been so much going on.  I don't know, I guess because I feel like this is all becoming a normal part of our life as an Army family, it wasn't interesting enough to actually write about.  But after seeing a dear friend of mine pick back up on her blogging, and how maybe if I do the same I'll be able to stick to some things that I need to work on the way she is.  So thanks, Katie, for inspiring me to get back to blogging and back to refocusing on my lifestyle goals!

Alright, so let's update!
May: My best friend Krista moved in with me so I wasn't completely alone while H was gone.  It was good to have her there, and to know that when I was having a lonely day that she was there to help me get through it.  We celebrated my 26th birthday (26! I'm officially closer to 30 than 20...gross) and our best friend Abbie's 21st.  H also got a 36-hour pass at the end of the month, so we got to Facetime and actually see each other for the first time since he left.

June:  I finished out the school year at the Montessori school, which was exciting but very, very sad.  It meant that I was that much closer to being reunited with H but saying goodbye to the kids and the staff that I had grown so close to was extremely hard for me.  June also held a visit from my brother, a friend's wedding, and 2 solid weeks of shenanigans with my besties before having to move out of BG.

July: July 1st I moved out of BG for the first time in 7 years, which was truly the end of an era.  But moving back to my parents' house was going to be good, financially and emotionally, before I had to move to whatever base the Army would be sending us.  Mid-way through July was H's OSUT graduation, too!  My parents and I took a week-long trip to Ft. Benning, GA to watch H graduate and get his infantryman cord.  I could not have been more proud of him!  Georgia was beautiful, and I even had a chance to stop by my sorority's headquarters and get a  private, after-hours tour of the building.  July also gave me one last chance to head back to BG to spend a night out on the town with my best friends.  And of course, July was the Olympics, which Krista and I made sure to celebrate appropriately (aka wearing our goggles and gold medals while cheering on Team USA together!)

July also brought a major change in our plans.  Due to some ridiculously complicated Army mumbo-jumbo (for lack of an easier/better way to explain it haha) H's contract got changed at the last minute.  For him, this meant taking a detour from his original plan/dream and for me, it meant having the opportunity to move to a base with H a lot sooner than anticipated.  While I was sad that H's plans had to take this detour, it was hard not to be just a little happy to be reunited with H sooner than we'd originally though, especially after spending the past 5 months apart.

August:  August brought "the move," which meant that it also brought a wonderful going away party where I got to see old and far-away friends before moving to our newest destination - Fort Drum, New York.  Don't know where that is?  Get a map of New York.  Next, locate Syracuse.  Okay, now go straight north of Syracuse and put your finger on the Canadian border.  Got it?  Depending on the size of your map, your finger may already be covering Fort Drum.  Yes, that's just how north we really are.  But it's beautiful here, and living on post has been great so far.  Check back with me in about a month when it starts snowing and I may have a different answer for you... :)

So now we're into September, and things have settled down a bit.  H's battalion has been out of state doing some training, but because they left around the time that I moved up here, he didn't have to go because he was on leave.  While he's waiting for them to get back, he's been training for his Expert Infantryman Badge and keeping busy on Rear Detachment (hehehe that makes me giggle every time I say it!), but I think he's ready to have his battalion and his friends back soon.  I've been keeping busy setting up our new house, getting involved on post through church, and taking care of our new furbaby, Riley.  I've also started working a part-time job in retail, but praying daily for God to open up a teaching position for me.  I have a second interview at a preschool on Tuesday morning, so hopefully this is the door that God is opening for me!

Faith has been extremely important through all of this.  Faith that God would help us get through the separation, faith for what was going on with H's contract, faith while waiting for housing to open up in a timely matter for us (we only had to wait 1 week after I moved here before our house was ready--praise God!), faith that I would find a job, faith that he would help us find a perfect home church up here, and so much more!  He has truly taken care of us in so many ways and provided for us when things were tight and scary.  He is so good, and we continue to look to Him for strength, guidance, and help as we are adjusting to our new life.

With a new home, a new location, and a new plan for our lives comes a need for a new (or I guess renewed) drive for getting back to my healthy lifestyle again.  I'm an emotional eater, and that's nothing new.  So while H was gone and I had a lot of emotion running around, it was really hard to stay focused on eating well and working out, which lead to a jump in my weight that I'm not happy about or proud of.  I mean, it's nothing major but it's enough that I notice it and don't like it.  Now that we're settled, I'm hoping we can get refocused on being back to pretty strict Paleo and getting back into the gym at least 4-5 times a week.  It's what we both need and I have got to stop feeling so down on myself all the time about my looks and weight.  So hopefully by being back into the blogging world, I can keep better track of my goals and where I'm at in reaching them.  I won't give up, because I know how much I need this right now.

So that's our life.  Over the past 4 months, I've lived in 4 different places (if you include living at the hotel while we waited for our house to open up), I've reunited with H, we've adopted a kitten, and I've started a new job with the prospects of getting back into the classroom.  I've learned to trust God for so much and be patient for His timing.  And I've officially stepped into the role of Army wife.

I couldn't love life more right now!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Whole30 Days 1 & 2

It's really hard to blog, mainly because that was something H encouraged me to do while he was here.  It was like one of "those things" that we had together, and now that he's gone it's hard to make myself keep going with it.  It's the reason I don't craft anymore, the reason I can't bring myself to play our old video games, and why I haven't been baking.  I just don't feel like doing these things without my husband here, so I've just been ignoring them. 

I'm trying to force myself to get back to blogging, because being an Army wife doesn't mean that I have to stop everything just because he's gone.  In fact, if anything, that's the time I need to keep doing it in order to keep life as normal as possible.  The separation sucks, by the way, but I'm dealing with it.  I have an amazing support system that keeps me going, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the sleeps until we're back together again at his graduation.  I know that God's plan is being fulfilled, so I'm trying to stay patient and remember that this time apart is all part of His plan.  But some days, it really sucks... :)

So I'm trying to get back on track with the Whole30 program.  H sent me pics of him, and he's lost so much weight and trimmed up so much!  I don't want him to be disappointed that I'm not losing as much as he has (although his workout plan is way more intense than mine is haha!) so I'm trying to get back on track.  I'm going to try to blog it more, too, because hopefully that will keep me focused, too.

Day 1
-Breakfast: egg mcmuffin without the muffin
-Lunch: taco salad with s.cream and jalapenos
-Dinner: crockpot ribs from PaleoPot and corn on the cob

Day 2
-Breakfast: scrambled eggs with bacon
-Lunch: bunless burger, corn on the cob, and fresh veggies
-Dinner: leftover ribs and salad (tentatively, since it's only 3:15pm right now)

So far so good--even though it's only been 2 days.  I'd really like to add running, but I'm having a hard time getting my butt in gear.  I think I'm just going to have to force myself to hit the gym.  I wish I had more determination, easier access to a Crossfit gym, and someone to do it with, but I guess for now I'll have to suck it up and work with my circumstances...

xoxo, M

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Back to "normal"

It's really strange to go back to "normal" now that H is gone.  It's like I feel like so much has changed because of H leaving that it seems weird to try and go back to normal--how can things be normal when the most "normal" part of my world and my routine is gone?  Side note:  H is probably the furthest from "normal" I've ever met, but our abnormalness together creates our own version of normalcy.  Yeah, we're strange like that...

Going back to work today was nice.  It got me out of the house for the day, which is good because it means I'm not sitting around stewing in my own thoughts.  It was also really great to get back because I missed my coworkers and my kiddos a lot.  You don't realize how much joy these kids bring you until you need some cheering up--a 3-year-olds hug never fails to put a smile on my face!  But it was so strange to go back to work and go back to my normal routine when I still feel like everything has changed.

In reality, life is pretty much the same, minus the fact that my other half is a 16-hour drive away getting yelled at by drill sergeants.  Work is still work, my daily routine is still pretty much the same (minus seeing H, adding the gym), and my attitude about life in general hasn't changed (although  my faith and relationship with God is becoming stronger, which generally makes life a little better).  But some part of me feels strange trying to go back to normal without him here....

xoxo, M

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Excited for him, sad for me

It all seems very surreal that he's actually gone.  I don't know what's harder--the build-up to dropping him off at the recruiters, or being alone now that he's gone.  I'm still waiting for him to come walking through the door, or come out of the computer room, and nothing will have changed.  But some part of me knows that won't happen; some part of me knows that this is really happening and that our life in the Army has finally, actually begun.

I'm sad.  At least, I guess that's what I'm feeling.  Sometimes I think "sad" doesn't accurately describe it, but that's the closest I can come to finding the right word.  It feels like part of my heart is missing, which I suppose it is--it's located down in Georgia.  The house feels a lot bigger now that he's not here with me, and what's left of my heart feels heavy. 

At the same time, I am beyond excited for him.  This is his dream job; it's what he's wanted to do since he was little and he's spent his life learning about it, talking to soldiers, and preparing for this new adventure of ours.  That's how we're looking at it--as an "adventure" instead of "a period of separation."  I truly believe he was meant to be a soldier, and that his heart and his mind are in the right place for this, so how could I not be excited for him?  I'm so unbelievably proud of him and I can't wait to hear the stories in his letters of what he's going through and experiencing because I know that this is exactly what he wants to do and where he wants to be.  I'm so excited for him, even if I'm sad for me.

I won't let my sadness overpower me, or shadow my excitement for him.  I have a nice, long list of things I want to do while he's gone (which may or may not include purging his closet of certain clothes...), and I have some of the most supportive and loving friends and family to keep me busy.  It'll be nice to get back to work tomorrow and get back into the routine of things, too, although I am glad I took a couple days off to settle into things around here.  I have good books to read, craft projects to work on, a lizard cage to finish building, adventures to go on with my girlfriends, and an entire summer to spend with my family before PCS orders come in.  I know that I'm going to get through this and come out the other side with a smile on my face, so much love for my husband in my heart, and about 40 pounds missing from my body (oh yeah, I've got some weight loss plans for this time apart!)

I don't know what he's doing today; probably in-processing stuff at reception, maybe getting his uniform and a nice haircut/shave, and making new friends with his drill sergeants! ;)  But I know that he could use prayers for strength, endurance, and success while he's going through all of his training, so feel free to send some his way.  And I'm so thankful for all the support and love that our friends and family have shown us the past few days---I can't imagine trying to go through this without all of that love and support!

I am so proud of my husband, for his choices for our families future, and for his passion to serve and protect his country, and I am unbelievably excited  to see him succeed in this new adventure of ours!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Updates and Eye Twitches

Wow.  It's been over a month since I've blogged.  I feel almost as bad as I do when I go too long without going to the gym!  Funny how something silly and little like blogging, that's only meant to be cathartic, can become such a powerful force in your life.

I'll be honest and admit why I haven't blogged recently.  It's because I've been avoiding my feelings.  I've always been a journaler.  Yes, I made that word up.  But it's true; infact, I still have the journal that I kept when I was in 5th grade.  I love to write and to get my feelings down on paper (or in this case, on a screen), because it helps me work through my thoughts.  Lately, though, all of my thoughts and feelings are surrounding the fact that H leaves for Basic Training in one month.

I don't want to think about it.  I don't want to deal with the fact that in one month I have to kiss my husband goodbye, hug him for the last time until July.  I don't want to accept that I won't be able to talk to him every day, to cuddle up with him when it's been a rough one.  I want to pretend that he'll still be here.  So rather than think/talk/write about it, I push it to the back of my mind.  Doing this has caused a semi-permanent eye twitch, but I'd much rather deal with that than the reality of my husband leaving right now.  So instead of blogging, I pretend it's not happening, which means right now I have very little to blog about.

Life in general is good.  God has blessed us with a lot so far this year, including a full-time job for me at the Montessori School, H hitting his goal weight for his contract, and getting to spend a lot of quality time with our friends and family before he leaves.  Financially, it's been a good year so far, too, with our big tax refund blessing on its way.  Our families are doing well, our friends are doing well, and we are doing well, so the only feelings that I've had to work through are the ones that I'm pretending aren't there.  I know it's coming to a breaking point with those, however, and I'm waiting for that moment when I can't hold it back any longer and everything comes out (like emotional vomit) onto this blog.  Although maybe that's a post I'll write in my paper journal (yes, I do still keep one of those, as well!) because I have a feeling it will be more personal than I choose to share here.  Of course, there will still be a blog update, just maybe not as graphic as the one in my paper journal.

I know that as things get closer to his leaving, and as things get busier around here with the end of the school year (gosh, it seems so early to think about that already!) and with getting ready to move back to my parents' house, the postings here will become more frequent.  Also, I'll be bringing back my crafting, too!  Right now, with working about 45 hours per week, it can sometimes be tough to fit in a really good project.  But once H leaves and I need things to occupy my time/mind, the projects will be making a spectacular comeback! :)

Bear with me.
It's about to get emotional around here...

xoxo, M

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Numbers Game

Feeling slightly discouraged tonight.  I don't know if it's the January blues, or that I've had some startling numbers thrown my way lately, but it's not a very fun feeling.  I know I'll get through it because I have an amazing support system of my husband, my friends, my family, and God, but the more I think about these numbers, the more discouraged I get.

36.5 = my body fat percentage (gross.)

29 = my body mass index (one step short of obese, although if you've seen me you wouldn't EVER think that!)

75 = number of days until H leaves for the Army

5 = the average number of hours I sleep every night because I can't seem to stay asleep

16 = the number of consecutive days I've had an eye twitch brought on my stress

So these numbers aren't great.
I know that the first 2 and the last 2 can improve.  But that third number really gets me.  After having my husband by my side for the past 4 years (minus a few bumps in the road) while we were dating, and after having lived with him in our tiny apartment for the past year and a half, it's going to be hard to be here alone, knowing that he's not coming home anytime soon and not knowing when the next time I'll hear from him will be.

Times when 75 seems like a big number:
-When you need to lose 75 pounds (thankfully I only need to lose 50!)
-When it's the number of envelopes you need to lick, address, and stamp before the mail comes in the afternoon
-When it's the number of minutes you have to sit with your crazy Aunt Ida who can't seem to stop asking about when you're going to find a man/get married/have a baby/have a steady job/move out on your own.

Times when 75 seems like a small number:
-When it's your paycheck after 2 weeks of work
-When it's the number of people who RSVP'd to your wedding (you'd invited 200...)
-When it's the number of days until you live alone and don't speak to your husband on a daily/hourly basis and you miss him in amounts larger than you ever thought possible.

Repeat after me...
I can do this.
I can do this.
Thank goodness for my momma, God, and moosetracks ice cream to get me through this... oops.  That last thing is probably why I have the first 2 numbers on my list...

xoxo, Melissa

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Soon Enough

I'm on a list-making/calendar-filling kick right now.

Let me explain. I'm overly organized by most people's standards. I have small notebooks for different things (Army info, wedding stuff, bills and budget, etc.). We have a dry erase monthly calendar hanging on the front door with weekly/month to-do lists. We have a dry erase board on the fridge for miscellaneous information that we need to share/remember. I have a food planner/weekly calendar for meals on the fridge. I have a planner that is color-coordinated that I swear if ever got lost would cause me coronary arrest. And I can't live without post-it notes and lists.
Obsessive about staying organized? Probably.
But I'll tell you this---it's been extremely useful in making sure things don't fall apart around here.

It's the beginning of a new year, so it only makes sense for me to start some lists and open my new 2012 planner. I didn't go overboard with them, don't worry. But there are a lot of things that need to get done and a lot of events that are coming up that I need to stay organized for. Don't judge me---list-making and calendar-filling make me feel better. Seriously, stop judging...okaythanks. :)

It's come to my attention that H leaves in just under 3 months. Wow...that's really stinkin' close. So today I started my "Pre-Ship Honey-Do List" and began thinking of all the things I need him to do, to show me, and to prepare before he leaves. This, of course, led me to a small crying meltdown. No big deal, but I get the feeling this are going to be happening more often as March 26 gets closer. That led me to realize that I have less than 3 months to drop 30 pounds. I want to be as close to my goal weight as possible before he leaves (because who wants to remember a fatty wife all through basic?! haha just kidding...no but seriously...) and I can lose 30 healthily, even though I'll still be about 20 pounds from my actual goal weight. Yes, that means I have 50 pounds to lose.

This led me to list number 2: my "no holds barred, must lose weight" list. This list is a little simpler, and includes the following: the only foods that are Paleo-friendly that we're allowing in this house and the CrossFit exercise plan I will be following. Surprisingly, this list I'm really excited about. We got 2 really amazing Paleo cookbooks for Christmas (Paleo Comfort Foods  and The Primal Blueprint Cookbook) and with my great new weekly food planning/grocery list calendar, we're able to plan out some tasty new Paleo meals.  Today, I made Paleo biscuits and gravy, and it was probably as close to Bob Evans as I can possibly get.  Delicious! :)

List number 2 makes me happy: Thursday can't come soon enough so I can get back into the gym and do some CrossFit again.  My body has never been happier than when I was CrossFitting/lifting on a regular basis and when I was eating Paleo 90% of the time.

List number 1 makes me sad:  March 26 is going to be here too soon, and then I will have to say goodbye to my best friend for about 8 months---7 of which will be during our first year of marriage (no bueno).  I'm beyond happy to see him finally start his career and for this chapter of our life to begin, but I'm not happy to see him leave.  That's a whole different post, though...

xoxo, Melissa