I am a worrier by nature. Anyone who knows me well is nodding their head in agreement right now because once you get to know me, you realize just how true this statement is. Ever heard the phrase "stick with your strengths?" Well, worrying is my strength and I do it often--probably to the point of insanity (example: how many posts I have about worrying that I won't have a job in the fall.)
I don't know why I do it so much. I seriously worry about even the most simple and ridiculous things, like the outcome of a conversation (just because I think it went well doesn't necessarily mean the other person felt the same!) or the inflection of someone's voice (what exactly was meaning behind how they said "hello"--were they mad at me for some reason? Did I offend them with how I said hello? Do they secretly hate me?!) See? I'm out of control with this worrying thing! I seriously think I should enroll in "Worry Warts Anonymous"... do they have one of those?
I'm pretty sure God laughs at me constantly about this. I mean, seriously. He's made it clear that I don't have to worry about things because He's taking care of it, and what am I doing? Running around like a chicken with my head cut off worrying about whether or not a principal liked the way I introduced myself in a cover letter... Yup, He's getting a kick out of me! I'm trying so hard to just let things be and not worry about them, especially when it comes to my relationship with H and what kind of life I'm going to have come the middle of August (teaching, or continuing to leech off of my parents for groceries, gas, and free rent), but after about a week of not worrying, I break down. It's like a drug, like I can't go more than a week without worrying about it--I need my worrying fix!! I'll get the shakes and that twitchy look in my eyes (okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration...or is it?) and people start to question my sanity.
I feel like Joseph. He sat in jail for years waiting for God to rescue him and show him what His plan was, and felt like God wasn't there or wasn't listening. Joseph worried that he would be stuck in jail alone and forgotten and what did that mean for his life? Sometimes, I wonder the same thing--am I going to be stuck here, without a career in the fall, and then what will that mean for my life and for my future with H? Where is God, and why is He just letting me sit here and wait/fester with my worriness? At least I can go do things to try to get my mind off of it; poor Joseph was stuck in jail with nothing to do (at least I assume nothing to do. I mean, seriously, how much was there to do in an Egyptian jail back then?). But Genesis clearly says that even when Joseph was in jail "God was with him." He had a plan for Joseph's life, and even though Joseph felt like God was ignoring him and wasn't working on a plan for his life, in reality God was right there working behind the scenes to create a future for Joseph's life (and a pretty darn amazing one at that!) I guess that means that when I feel like God's just letting me sit here and wait and go through life as it is while He works on my greater plan. Worrying really isn't doing me any good I guess...
Does that mean I'll stop being a worry wart? Probably not. Let's be honest, a bad habit is hard to break. But I'm trying! And I'm trying to remember that the more I try to hold on to those worries, the less credit I'm giving God to take care of them. He's the Creator of all things!! For goodness sake, I'm pretty sure he can handle a few small things, like placing me in the right job for the fall, or strengthening my relationship with my future husband.
I just need to find my local chapter of Worry Warts Anonymous...okay, or maybe just pray for more faith and trust :)