Worry Warts Anonymous

I am a worrier by nature. Anyone who knows me well is nodding their head in agreement right now because once you get to know me, you realize just how true this statement is. Ever heard the phrase "stick with your strengths?" Well, worrying is my strength and I do it often--probably to the point of insanity (example: how many posts I have about worrying that I won't have a job in the fall.)

I don't know why I do it so much. I seriously worry about even the most simple and ridiculous things, like the outcome of a conversation (just because I think it went well doesn't necessarily mean the other person felt the same!) or the inflection of someone's voice (what exactly was meaning behind how they said "hello"--were they mad at me for some reason? Did I offend them with how I said hello? Do they secretly hate me?!) See? I'm out of control with this worrying thing! I seriously think I should enroll in "Worry Warts Anonymous"... do they have one of those?

I'm pretty sure God laughs at me constantly about this. I mean, seriously. He's made it clear that I don't have to worry about things because He's taking care of it, and what am I doing? Running around like a chicken with my head cut off worrying about whether or not a principal liked the way I introduced myself in a cover letter... Yup, He's getting a kick out of me! I'm trying so hard to just let things be and not worry about them, especially when it comes to my relationship with H and what kind of life I'm going to have come the middle of August (teaching, or continuing to leech off of my parents for groceries, gas, and free rent), but after about a week of not worrying, I break down. It's like a drug, like I can't go more than a week without worrying about it--I need my worrying fix!! I'll get the shakes and that twitchy look in my eyes (okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration...or is it?) and people start to question my sanity.

I feel like Joseph. He sat in jail for years waiting for God to rescue him and show him what His plan was, and felt like God wasn't there or wasn't listening. Joseph worried that he would be stuck in jail alone and forgotten and what did that mean for his life? Sometimes, I wonder the same thing--am I going to be stuck here, without a career in the fall, and then what will that mean for my life and for my future with H? Where is God, and why is He just letting me sit here and wait/fester with my worriness? At least I can go do things to try to get my mind off of it; poor Joseph was stuck in jail with nothing to do (at least I assume nothing to do. I mean, seriously, how much was there to do in an Egyptian jail back then?). But Genesis clearly says that even when Joseph was in jail "God was with him." He had a plan for Joseph's life, and even though Joseph felt like God was ignoring him and wasn't working on a plan for his life, in reality God was right there working behind the scenes to create a future for Joseph's life (and a pretty darn amazing one at that!) I guess that means that when I feel like God's just letting me sit here and wait and go through life as it is while He works on my greater plan. Worrying really isn't doing me any good I guess...

Does that mean I'll stop being a worry wart? Probably not. Let's be honest, a bad habit is hard to break. But I'm trying! And I'm trying to remember that the more I try to hold on to those worries, the less credit I'm giving God to take care of them. He's the Creator of all things!! For goodness sake, I'm pretty sure he can handle a few small things, like placing me in the right job for the fall, or strengthening my relationship with my future husband.

I just need to find my local chapter of Worry Warts Anonymous...okay, or maybe just pray for more faith and trust :)

Fear and Faith

I'm officially down to a size 11/12!! Hooray!! I'm on my way to single digits again! :)

I've been doing a lot of praying for both the weightloss and the job hunt, and my newest prayers is for God to replace my fear with faith. Fear is absolutely useless-- 1 John 4:18 says "But [His] perfect love drives out fear...the one who fears is not made in perfect love." I AM made in perfect love, in His perfect love, and therefore I need to get the fear out of my life. All it does is make me doubt and worry, and why should I need to worry when I have the perfect Creator of all things in control of my life? I don't have to! He has the best plans for me, and all worrying and stressing is going to do is tear me down and make me doubt. So, I'm going to let God replace my fear with faith and wait (as patiently as I can...maybe I should be praying for more patience too lol) for Him to show me the next step.

On that note, I continue to apply for teaching jobs and run/workout daily in hopes that His next step will come soon.

Faith totally kicks fear's butt, anyway.

Redecorating

I'm going to trust God that He will give me the desires of my heart again, and therefore I'm continuing to believe that I will end up in Bowling Green in the fall.

That being said...

I am continuing to pick up small things to decorate the apartment that H and I have in BG. It's the apartment he's lived in since August 2009, I'm just moving in and being added to the lease. It's a 2 bedroom that has free water, gas, heat, a/c, trash removal, internet, and cable (we only pay electric) that is completely in our price range. Granted, you can sometimes hear the neighbors through the thin walls, and it's a little dated, but it's affordable and it's all ours!! For the past year it's been a boy's apartment (which you can totally tell by the lack of decoration and the hodge-podge of styles) and I can not wait to move in and turn it from college apartment to our first home together. It's where we plan to live until H gets his first PCS for a duty station (roughly Summer/Fall 2012) so it will be our home for the next 2 years and we want it to feel like a home, not a college apartment.

Today, I bought curtains for our bedroom, the livingroom, and the kitchen/diningroom, candle wall sconces, and one of those nice vinyl lettering things for the wall that says "may our home know joy, each room hold laughter, and every window open to great possibilities." It's wonderful! I can't wait to actually get there and be able to decorate and set up house (I'm totally nesting!) and turn it into a home for us! Now all we need is a couch and a loveseat. We'll be doing lots of garage sailing for those, unless someone out there wants to donate them to us...

I love decorating, and I feel like it's giving me something to look forward to-- setting up a home with my future husband :)

Lost

I didn't get the job in Fostoria. They chose not to hire on a new teacher due to financial restraints, and instead disbursed the extra classes between other teachers. I understand why I didn't get hired, because I know that if they had the finances they would have hired me for the position.

Now I'm feeling lost. That was the one job that I knew I could have if they were able to have an opening. I'm not a shoe-in for any other job I apply for. I feel like that was my one hope, and now it's gone.

I want to trust God. I want to believe that He's got a plan (I know he does, but it's hard to remember that sometimes...) and that something will come through for the fall. But I feel so lost right now...