Today I learned a new word, which at this stage of pregnancy (38 weeks, 3 days) is a special feat in and of itself. Zwischen. It's German, and it means "between."
It is the epitome of where I find myself lately. In between.
In between being childless and a mommy.
In between my body being my own and belonging to the baby growing inside.
In between the joy of holding my daughter and the fear of what comes next.
Pregnancy limbo. Zwischen.
I'm a weepy, curled up ball of tears at every Hallmark commercial, and getting through a Good Morning America spotlight of a child who has done/gone through something extraordinary without bawling is almost impossible at this point. I'm insecure about my roundness and constant waddle, but I'm proud of my body for what it's accomplished in the past 9+ months. I mourn the idea that these last few days/weeks will be the last times that H and I have that are truly "just us," but I look forward with indescribable joy at the idea of raising this beautiful little girl together.
In between.
I have 11 days left until our due date. 11 days (more or less) of "in-betweenness." And I have never felt so torn and conflicted about something so scary and beautiful. I've been blessed to have had an easy pregnancy: little to no nausea, weight gain has been minimal, baby has been healthy and right on track at every appointment, no extreme symptoms or health problems, and generally comfortable up until the past week or two. I have genuinely loved be pregnant, with every little milestone along the way, which is why I feel so torn: as excited as I am to hold my daughter and see our family move into this brand new chapter of our lives, I am so sad to say goodbye to pregnancy. Not because I fear what comes next won't be as good; in fact, I know it will be better! But the joy of feeling my baby move for the first time inside me, the little moments we share in the early morning when Daddy gets up to go to work and I can feel her begin to stretch and wiggle as she wakes up, too - those are the moments that I'm sad to lose. Those are the moments that catch me in my zwischen, my "in-betweenness."
And yet the idea of finally meeting this little girl who I have spent the past 9+ months bonding with, to finally see her chubby cheeks and tiny nose, to count the fingers and toes that have been wiggling around - that I have zero fear or doubt about. I can't wait to hold her, skin-to-skin, in those first moments outside of the womb and know that she is mine; to watch her daddy do the same and know that forever there is a piece of his heart that I will never be able to have because in that instant it now belongs to her. The joy of knowing that our family now has a completeness that we never knew before - that is the moment when my in between ends and my role of mommy begins, something that I look forward to with so much excitement, despite the fears of my in between.
Limbo, torn between two worlds: pregnancy and motherhood, the "now" and the "what's to come."
Ask me again a few weeks after Anastasia has arrived, after we have settled into some semblance of a routine with her, if I miss the in between. I honestly don't know how I'll answer. Truthfully, I know there will always be a part of me that misses the stages of pregnancy and the special bond that is formed during this time, but I can't honestly say if I'll miss this in between, this zwischen stage where everything is ending and beginning all at once.
For now, I will bask in the glow of the final weeks of pregnancy. Not so much the back and hip pain, the redistribution of my center of gravity, or my inability to put on socks by myself. But I'll enjoy my quite mornings with a squirmy baby that makes my belly move all on it's own; I'll fall in love with my husband all over again every time he kisses my bump goodnight or reaches over in the middle of church to lay a gentle hand where he can see her moving; I'll cry at the silliest things and not feel guilty about eating a donut at 9pm. Because this is my in between, my zwischen, and I'll enjoy every moment I have left of it.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
Gold vs. Silver
When I was little, I can remember my Grammy sitting me on her lap and singing a song about friendship to me. She would smile as she sang, and it always made me feel so secure that the message of the song was true to life:
Make new friends
But keep the old;
One is silver
And the other, gold.
I always thought the words of the song were more about knowing that just because I meet new people doesn't mean that I should throw old friendships away. But as I grow older, I realize that maybe this isn't the the actual purpose of the song; maybe it's more about the quality of friendships, both old and new.
For 26 years, I lived within a 150-mile radius of my hometown. And for the first 21 of those years, I lived at my parents' house in my hometown. Same family, same friends, same scenery for 21 years. Yes, within those years friendships changed; the girl who was my best friend in kindergarten was not necessarily my best friend come senior year. But the girl who was my best friend all the way through elementary school and middle school was still a dear friend to me by the time graduation rolled around (probably based on our deep-rooted love of Barbies, Lisa Frank stickers, and boys who played the drums). Once I went away to college, I made new friends but still kept in touch (and to an extent, still continue to) with many of my closest friends from high school.
They say that the friends you make in college are the friends who stick around for life. I hope that's true. My sorority sisters, my classmates through my undergrad program - those are the ones that I hope stick around for the long haul. They know me, not as the little girl who played on the swingset and constantly changed my mind between loving Spice Girls or Mariah Carey more, but as the woman who took on leadership roles, who has a passion for teaching, and who gets a little silly when cranberry-vodka's are involved.
Two years ago, we moved 450 miles away from our hometowns and 600 miles away from the college town we'd called home for 6 years. No college friends, no high school friends. No one that I knew at all. And so the adventure of making new friends began while somehow trying to balance keeping the old from so far away.
Unfortunately, as I'm finding, making new friends who are as good as the silver from the song is tougher than expected. Being an Army wife, I find that the circles of people that I'm associating with are typically the wives of H's soldier buddies. They aren't necessarily people that I "click" with as easily or automatically as I would outside of the "forced" friendships that the Army lifestyle sets up, but that doesn't make them bad people or bad friendships. They are the silver the song speaks of, friendships that are good to have even if they aren't the same depth or strength as those gold ones created during high school and college. (Disclaimer: I have made some absolutely "golden" friendships up here, as well, and I don't want any of this post to make those wonderful ladies feel anything less than the gold that they are. They know who they are, especially my #2)
Without these silver friendships, the ones that are important but aren't necessarily the long-lasting ones that will pass the test of time, would I be able to value the gold friendships as much?
The friendships that started when we were just infants, grown through the deep and lasting golden friendships of our parents.
The friendships of those started in middle and high school, who I know care despite the fact that we may only chat once every few months.
The friendships of my sorority sisters, who know me better than most people, and who appreciates a random text message knowing exactly what I need, even if all it says "if you're a bird..."
The friendships made in college thanks to mutual friends, who normally may not have started for one reason or another, but who I cherish more than anything because of how they have grown and deepened thanks to God, shared life experiences, and/or the military lifestyle.
Those are the golden friendships, the ones who have depth and meaning that I can appreciate so much more thanks to the silver friendships. And the silver friendships I can appreciate and cherish because those are the friendships that are current and what I need right now, and have the potential to turn into golden friendships as our lives mature and change.
Is one better than the other? I wouldn't say "better" but from my experiences the golden friendships tend to have more meaning at this stage of my life; however, both the gold and silver, new and old friendships are equally important to me, and each friendship individually has its own meaning and importance in my life.
To my golden friendships, I could never fully put into words what your friendship and impact in my life has been and continues to mean to me. I cherish our friendship, even if it's just a text or chat message once in a while to check in, a "thinking of you" card in the mail, or a coffee date over the phone. You mean the world to me, and I hope that our friendships continue to last a lifetime!
And to my silver friendships, I am so thankful for God bringing you into my life recently. Your friendship means so much to me, even if it's not as old or as time-tested as the golden friendships from earlier in my life, and I love the memories we've made and continue to make together. Even something as simple as coffee on the porch, a day at the beach, or girls night with munchies and movies means so much to me to know that I have you as part of my "Army family" away from home.
Make new friends
But keep the old;
One is silver
And the other, gold.
I always thought the words of the song were more about knowing that just because I meet new people doesn't mean that I should throw old friendships away. But as I grow older, I realize that maybe this isn't the the actual purpose of the song; maybe it's more about the quality of friendships, both old and new.
For 26 years, I lived within a 150-mile radius of my hometown. And for the first 21 of those years, I lived at my parents' house in my hometown. Same family, same friends, same scenery for 21 years. Yes, within those years friendships changed; the girl who was my best friend in kindergarten was not necessarily my best friend come senior year. But the girl who was my best friend all the way through elementary school and middle school was still a dear friend to me by the time graduation rolled around (probably based on our deep-rooted love of Barbies, Lisa Frank stickers, and boys who played the drums). Once I went away to college, I made new friends but still kept in touch (and to an extent, still continue to) with many of my closest friends from high school.
They say that the friends you make in college are the friends who stick around for life. I hope that's true. My sorority sisters, my classmates through my undergrad program - those are the ones that I hope stick around for the long haul. They know me, not as the little girl who played on the swingset and constantly changed my mind between loving Spice Girls or Mariah Carey more, but as the woman who took on leadership roles, who has a passion for teaching, and who gets a little silly when cranberry-vodka's are involved.
Two years ago, we moved 450 miles away from our hometowns and 600 miles away from the college town we'd called home for 6 years. No college friends, no high school friends. No one that I knew at all. And so the adventure of making new friends began while somehow trying to balance keeping the old from so far away.
Unfortunately, as I'm finding, making new friends who are as good as the silver from the song is tougher than expected. Being an Army wife, I find that the circles of people that I'm associating with are typically the wives of H's soldier buddies. They aren't necessarily people that I "click" with as easily or automatically as I would outside of the "forced" friendships that the Army lifestyle sets up, but that doesn't make them bad people or bad friendships. They are the silver the song speaks of, friendships that are good to have even if they aren't the same depth or strength as those gold ones created during high school and college. (Disclaimer: I have made some absolutely "golden" friendships up here, as well, and I don't want any of this post to make those wonderful ladies feel anything less than the gold that they are. They know who they are, especially my #2)
Without these silver friendships, the ones that are important but aren't necessarily the long-lasting ones that will pass the test of time, would I be able to value the gold friendships as much?
The friendships that started when we were just infants, grown through the deep and lasting golden friendships of our parents.
The friendships of those started in middle and high school, who I know care despite the fact that we may only chat once every few months.
The friendships of my sorority sisters, who know me better than most people, and who appreciates a random text message knowing exactly what I need, even if all it says "if you're a bird..."
The friendships made in college thanks to mutual friends, who normally may not have started for one reason or another, but who I cherish more than anything because of how they have grown and deepened thanks to God, shared life experiences, and/or the military lifestyle.
Those are the golden friendships, the ones who have depth and meaning that I can appreciate so much more thanks to the silver friendships. And the silver friendships I can appreciate and cherish because those are the friendships that are current and what I need right now, and have the potential to turn into golden friendships as our lives mature and change.
Is one better than the other? I wouldn't say "better" but from my experiences the golden friendships tend to have more meaning at this stage of my life; however, both the gold and silver, new and old friendships are equally important to me, and each friendship individually has its own meaning and importance in my life.
To my golden friendships, I could never fully put into words what your friendship and impact in my life has been and continues to mean to me. I cherish our friendship, even if it's just a text or chat message once in a while to check in, a "thinking of you" card in the mail, or a coffee date over the phone. You mean the world to me, and I hope that our friendships continue to last a lifetime!
And to my silver friendships, I am so thankful for God bringing you into my life recently. Your friendship means so much to me, even if it's not as old or as time-tested as the golden friendships from earlier in my life, and I love the memories we've made and continue to make together. Even something as simple as coffee on the porch, a day at the beach, or girls night with munchies and movies means so much to me to know that I have you as part of my "Army family" away from home.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Lent Lessons
I've spent the past 40 days off of Facebook for personal use as my sacrifice for Lent.
Disclaimer: I totally used it for Tastefully Simple stuff and PWOC Bible study stuff. God and I worked it out. No biggie.
The idea was that I was giving up something that I rely on and waste a lot of time on to show God that I don't need it because He is all I need. Because, really, do I need Facebook in my life? Not really. I mean, sure there are times where it's convenient to have, especially now that we've become a society where everything is shared, announced, and updated in milliseconds on the social network. But by giving up Facebook and worshiping God by showing Him that He is more important than Facebook, He showed me a lot of things and opened a lot of new doors.
I spent the beginning of Lent hanging out with my sister and her fiance who came up to visit. Instead of sitting on the couch on my phone/laptop checking Facebook, I actually interacted with Mindy and Clay and enjoyed all of our time together, present in the moment. We cooked dinner together, had sister time, game night, and just truly enjoyed being together for the long weekend. For the first time in a while, I actually felt like I was present in the moment instead of distracted by my phone.
I also got to spend a weekend with my beautiful sisters in Christ in Washington DC at the Global Prayer Gathering for the International Justice Mission. I spent 3 days deep in God' presence as He opened my eyes and my heart to injustice going on all over the world. From forced labor to sex slavery, so many of God's children are stuck in the dark, and it was incredible to be surrounded by 1200 other believers lifting up these mission workers and enslaved people together in His name. God called me to get out of my comfort zone and showed me some areas of my life He's calling to, but that's for another blog post. He also answered a long-standing prayer for more Godly women to build friendships with, which was amazing.
I had the opportunity to reunite with two of my absolute best friends from Ohio during this 40 days, and to just enjoy being together for the first time in almost 2 years! We laughed, we reminisced, we ate junk food, and we enjoyed every minute of our time together. It gave me a chance to show them around Drum and Syracuse, to introduce them to some of my Army family up here, and to finally share this chapter of my life with them. I absolutely loved having them here, and was so sad when they had to leave, but it was such a blessing that God worked out that they could be up here for almost 5 whole days with me!
God also opened a new door in terms of a job for the summer. I've been praying and very worried about what I would do when the school year ended and I couldn't sub anymore. With graduation coming in August and my loans coming out of deferment, I knew I needed something and I just kept praying that God would provide. Boy did He ever! A friend in PWOC introduced me to one of her wonderful neighbors and her 4-year-old son. She was in desperate need of full-time childcare for her son in their house, and after a 2-hour interview we realized that so many of our thoughts on children and development are on the same page. I start at the end of this month spending Monday through Friday with this sweet little boy who just needs some boundaries and love, and God has truly come through more than I could have ever hoped in terms of providing for our finances.
Lent also saw the end of another grad school semester, the completion (and passing) of my Master's thesis paper, and some more weight loss - woo hoo!
But the best part about Lent this year? That I have developed a deeper and strengthened relationship with God. As we're into Easter weekend at this point, the sacrifice and love that Christ showed to all of us has never been more apparent to me, and I'm so thankful for His grace and mercies, which I don't deserve but which are always enough!
So happy Easter to you and your family. May you spend tomorrow surrounded with people you love, celebrating God's love however you see fit. No matter what you do, though, don't forget to take a moment to sit in peace, surrounded by His presence, and thank Him for His undeserved but immeasurable love.
He is risen!
Disclaimer: I totally used it for Tastefully Simple stuff and PWOC Bible study stuff. God and I worked it out. No biggie.
The idea was that I was giving up something that I rely on and waste a lot of time on to show God that I don't need it because He is all I need. Because, really, do I need Facebook in my life? Not really. I mean, sure there are times where it's convenient to have, especially now that we've become a society where everything is shared, announced, and updated in milliseconds on the social network. But by giving up Facebook and worshiping God by showing Him that He is more important than Facebook, He showed me a lot of things and opened a lot of new doors.
I spent the beginning of Lent hanging out with my sister and her fiance who came up to visit. Instead of sitting on the couch on my phone/laptop checking Facebook, I actually interacted with Mindy and Clay and enjoyed all of our time together, present in the moment. We cooked dinner together, had sister time, game night, and just truly enjoyed being together for the long weekend. For the first time in a while, I actually felt like I was present in the moment instead of distracted by my phone.
I also got to spend a weekend with my beautiful sisters in Christ in Washington DC at the Global Prayer Gathering for the International Justice Mission. I spent 3 days deep in God' presence as He opened my eyes and my heart to injustice going on all over the world. From forced labor to sex slavery, so many of God's children are stuck in the dark, and it was incredible to be surrounded by 1200 other believers lifting up these mission workers and enslaved people together in His name. God called me to get out of my comfort zone and showed me some areas of my life He's calling to, but that's for another blog post. He also answered a long-standing prayer for more Godly women to build friendships with, which was amazing.
I had the opportunity to reunite with two of my absolute best friends from Ohio during this 40 days, and to just enjoy being together for the first time in almost 2 years! We laughed, we reminisced, we ate junk food, and we enjoyed every minute of our time together. It gave me a chance to show them around Drum and Syracuse, to introduce them to some of my Army family up here, and to finally share this chapter of my life with them. I absolutely loved having them here, and was so sad when they had to leave, but it was such a blessing that God worked out that they could be up here for almost 5 whole days with me!
God also opened a new door in terms of a job for the summer. I've been praying and very worried about what I would do when the school year ended and I couldn't sub anymore. With graduation coming in August and my loans coming out of deferment, I knew I needed something and I just kept praying that God would provide. Boy did He ever! A friend in PWOC introduced me to one of her wonderful neighbors and her 4-year-old son. She was in desperate need of full-time childcare for her son in their house, and after a 2-hour interview we realized that so many of our thoughts on children and development are on the same page. I start at the end of this month spending Monday through Friday with this sweet little boy who just needs some boundaries and love, and God has truly come through more than I could have ever hoped in terms of providing for our finances.
Lent also saw the end of another grad school semester, the completion (and passing) of my Master's thesis paper, and some more weight loss - woo hoo!
But the best part about Lent this year? That I have developed a deeper and strengthened relationship with God. As we're into Easter weekend at this point, the sacrifice and love that Christ showed to all of us has never been more apparent to me, and I'm so thankful for His grace and mercies, which I don't deserve but which are always enough!
So happy Easter to you and your family. May you spend tomorrow surrounded with people you love, celebrating God's love however you see fit. No matter what you do, though, don't forget to take a moment to sit in peace, surrounded by His presence, and thank Him for His undeserved but immeasurable love.
He is risen!
Monday, March 3, 2014
Paul's Letter, Perspecitve, and Pity Parties
I want to be a grouch right now.
Yes, I realize that no one typically wants to be a grouch.
I do. Right now.
I want to pout, to grump, to think of every little bad thing that could possible go wrong. I want to throw a great big pity party, with only myself on the guest list - no one else is allowed. I want to be a grouch all by myself. This misery doesn't need company, I'm doing a fine job of grouching on my own.
I want to be a grouch.
But I can't.
Seriously. I've been trying to sit here and put myself into a bad mood about all the things on my to do list, the things that have randomly popped into my mind today, the miscellaneous worries and "what if's". But no matter how hard I try, God won't let me.
He challenges my "what-ifs" with "I've got this."
He rebuttals my "to-do's" with "but look at how I've blessed you and provided for you so far."
He squashes my "why not me yet?" with "My timing is perfect."
How can I possibly be grumpy and grouchy when my God is so powerful, so wonderful, so loving? I can complain about the work that needs to be done to the Jeep or I can be thankful that He provided us with a 4-wheel drive vehicle right before moving to the North Country. I can be bitter about all the pregnancy announcements on my newsfeed or I can be thankful that these amazing women are going to be even more amazing moms and know that I will get that chance in God's perfect timing. I can stress about the growing to-do list on my fridge or I can be thankful that I have a house to take care of, a husband to cook dinner for, and that I don't have any physical problems keeping me from being able to take my puppy for a walk (and be thankful for God's promise of spring despite the bitter cold!)
It's all about perspective, something that I so quickly forget when I feel overwhelmed with life. I can sit and complain about everything and throw myself a pity party, but really what does that get me?
A bad attitude.
A good radius away from everyone else in my life (because who wants to be around me like that?).
And the kind of perspective on life that takes for granted all the blessings that God has already given me and all that He's done to take care of me so far. With a perspective and attitude like that, how in the world am I truly witnessing to others around me? Am I representing Christ at that point, or am I just representing another person so wrapped up in themselves that there's no room for Christ's light to shine?
God's doing a lot lately to give me an attitude check and challenging me to look at my situation from a new perspective, with an attitude of gratitude through Christ-tinted glasses. We've been studying Paul's letter to the church in Ephesus in PWOC (women's Bible study here on post), and the first chapter of Ephesians really hit me hard. Paul spends the majority of the chapter reminding the Christians in Ephesus of all the blessings that God has already given them - they are children of God, adopted by Him into the kingdom of Heaven through the gifts of grace and mercy! They have been redeemed by His blood, forgiven of their sins (no matter how bad), and chosen for the praise of His glory! He has given them grace with wisdom and understanding of His Spirit! God has blessed them with so much, and no matter what else happens, the Christians in Ephesus need to be reminded of that perspective to truly appreciate the plan that He has for their life.
Ya know what the best part about that is?
Wait for it.
It's gonna knock your socks off.
God gave us those exact same spiritual blessings!!
Seriously.
Okay, I know we aren't the church in Ephesus around 60 A.D., and Paul isn't writing to us from prison. But these are the same blessings that God has given to all of His children, including you and me. How awesome is that?!
And with all these spiritual blessings (not to mention all the non-spiritual blessings!), how in the world can I possibly look at a pile of laundry on the closet floor, a few dust bunnies under the coffee table, or the receipt for the car parts (which could have been A LOT more, thank you Jesus) and still feel like I need a pity party?
So instead, I'll put the party hats away for a birthday, suck my bottom lip in, and put a smile on my face. Life could be a lot worse, but I don't have to focus on that - I can turn those sour moments into a chance to remember what God has already blessed me with.
It's all about perspective...
Yes, I realize that no one typically wants to be a grouch.
I do. Right now.
I want to pout, to grump, to think of every little bad thing that could possible go wrong. I want to throw a great big pity party, with only myself on the guest list - no one else is allowed. I want to be a grouch all by myself. This misery doesn't need company, I'm doing a fine job of grouching on my own.
I want to be a grouch.
But I can't.
Seriously. I've been trying to sit here and put myself into a bad mood about all the things on my to do list, the things that have randomly popped into my mind today, the miscellaneous worries and "what if's". But no matter how hard I try, God won't let me.
He challenges my "what-ifs" with "I've got this."
He rebuttals my "to-do's" with "but look at how I've blessed you and provided for you so far."
He squashes my "why not me yet?" with "My timing is perfect."
How can I possibly be grumpy and grouchy when my God is so powerful, so wonderful, so loving? I can complain about the work that needs to be done to the Jeep or I can be thankful that He provided us with a 4-wheel drive vehicle right before moving to the North Country. I can be bitter about all the pregnancy announcements on my newsfeed or I can be thankful that these amazing women are going to be even more amazing moms and know that I will get that chance in God's perfect timing. I can stress about the growing to-do list on my fridge or I can be thankful that I have a house to take care of, a husband to cook dinner for, and that I don't have any physical problems keeping me from being able to take my puppy for a walk (and be thankful for God's promise of spring despite the bitter cold!)
It's all about perspective, something that I so quickly forget when I feel overwhelmed with life. I can sit and complain about everything and throw myself a pity party, but really what does that get me?
A bad attitude.
A good radius away from everyone else in my life (because who wants to be around me like that?).
And the kind of perspective on life that takes for granted all the blessings that God has already given me and all that He's done to take care of me so far. With a perspective and attitude like that, how in the world am I truly witnessing to others around me? Am I representing Christ at that point, or am I just representing another person so wrapped up in themselves that there's no room for Christ's light to shine?
God's doing a lot lately to give me an attitude check and challenging me to look at my situation from a new perspective, with an attitude of gratitude through Christ-tinted glasses. We've been studying Paul's letter to the church in Ephesus in PWOC (women's Bible study here on post), and the first chapter of Ephesians really hit me hard. Paul spends the majority of the chapter reminding the Christians in Ephesus of all the blessings that God has already given them - they are children of God, adopted by Him into the kingdom of Heaven through the gifts of grace and mercy! They have been redeemed by His blood, forgiven of their sins (no matter how bad), and chosen for the praise of His glory! He has given them grace with wisdom and understanding of His Spirit! God has blessed them with so much, and no matter what else happens, the Christians in Ephesus need to be reminded of that perspective to truly appreciate the plan that He has for their life.
Ya know what the best part about that is?
Wait for it.
It's gonna knock your socks off.
God gave us those exact same spiritual blessings!!
Seriously.
Okay, I know we aren't the church in Ephesus around 60 A.D., and Paul isn't writing to us from prison. But these are the same blessings that God has given to all of His children, including you and me. How awesome is that?!
And with all these spiritual blessings (not to mention all the non-spiritual blessings!), how in the world can I possibly look at a pile of laundry on the closet floor, a few dust bunnies under the coffee table, or the receipt for the car parts (which could have been A LOT more, thank you Jesus) and still feel like I need a pity party?
So instead, I'll put the party hats away for a birthday, suck my bottom lip in, and put a smile on my face. Life could be a lot worse, but I don't have to focus on that - I can turn those sour moments into a chance to remember what God has already blessed me with.
It's all about perspective...
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Life Verse
I recently heard someone use the term "life verse" about a particular scripture. It's a term I'd never heard before, but after hearing it I had that "what did I ever do before finding _____" moment; what did I do without this term before?!
That got me thinking: What is my life verse? Wait, do I even have a life verse?!
Turns out, I do!
To me, a life verse is more than just a go-to verse that I can quote forwards, backwards, and in Pig Latin that is my "go-to" verse to comfort people or make myself feel better. I needed a verse that I could do all of the above with, but that also has a very specific meaning in my life and my walk with God, a verse that my relationship with God is founded upon and that God has used to strengthen my connection with Him.
Only one verse came to mind, and it's one that God has used so much in my life over the past.
That got me thinking: What is my life verse? Wait, do I even have a life verse?!
Turns out, I do!
To me, a life verse is more than just a go-to verse that I can quote forwards, backwards, and in Pig Latin that is my "go-to" verse to comfort people or make myself feel better. I needed a verse that I could do all of the above with, but that also has a very specific meaning in my life and my walk with God, a verse that my relationship with God is founded upon and that God has used to strengthen my connection with Him.
Only one verse came to mind, and it's one that God has used so much in my life over the past.
The card in that picture is a Stop and Pray card (S.A.P, or sap, which is defined as something that gives life and energy, exactly what this verse does for me!) that a coworker and friend from the Montessori School of Bowling Green gave to me a few years back. It spent some time tucked into the gauges console of my car where it was a constant reminder of God's peace, and it eventually made it into my Bible. I read it every day as I do my devotionals, and as you can tell by the crinkles and folds in the card, it's been put to good use!
So why is this particular verse so special that I chose it above the other 31,000+ verses in the Bible? First of all, it's a promise to me that God has not left me alone or forgotten about me. This verse shows me that God has given me His Spirit to strengthen my own spirit. He wants me to remember that the spirit He has given me is one that gives me His fruits of the Spirit, and that it is His promise and gift to me.
Second, it reminds me that fear and doubt do not come from God. Unless you're new here, you probably already know that I could get an Olympic gold medal in worry and fear. In 2 Corinthians 6, it says that darkness can not dwell in the Light; where the Lord dwells there can be nothing that is not of His Spirit, including fear and worry. There are a million and one (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. But there are A LOT!) verses in the Bible about not needing to worry our doubt because God is in control, and my life verse is a great example of why I don't have to worry - God hasn't given me a spirit of worry and fear, because He's got it in control.
Second, it reminds me that fear and doubt do not come from God. Unless you're new here, you probably already know that I could get an Olympic gold medal in worry and fear. In 2 Corinthians 6, it says that darkness can not dwell in the Light; where the Lord dwells there can be nothing that is not of His Spirit, including fear and worry. There are a million and one (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. But there are A LOT!) verses in the Bible about not needing to worry our doubt because God is in control, and my life verse is a great example of why I don't have to worry - God hasn't given me a spirit of worry and fear, because He's got it in control.
Finally, it reminds me that God's peace transcends all Earthly reasoning and understanding. Especially in the past year with the miscarriage, the stress the Army has put on our family, money worries, car trouble, and everything else, there is absolutely no reason I should feel peace in the face of all of this stress. And yet, while I may not have always been the picture of peace and nonchalance, I know that I had a lot more peace about these situations than most people would normally experience. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or to imply that I'm better at handling stress than anyone else, because that is by far the furthest thing from the truth! In reality, I'm the definition of a stress case and can find ways to worry about even the smallest things. I ride the struggle bus, and the struggle is real, people! But this verse is a constant reminder of the peace, the "sound mind" that God has given me. I've had people ask me how I can remain so calm, have so much faith, or how I handle it all. It's not me at all. Not one bit of it. It's completely and totally a God thing, and one of the best things He has ever given me (ya know, beyond grace, forgiveness, grace, and salvation).
I would be a mess without Him and without the spirit of power, love, and peace that He has given me. This verse embodies everything that God has graced me with and is a daily reminder of why I don't have to worry about things - He has it in control!
So, what's your life verse?
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
2013 Highlights Reel
As usual, I'll end my year with a reflection. I know it seems cliche, but as I'm going on my fourth year of writing this blog in January, it seems only right to finish up the calendar year and the blogging year all at once. Also, the OCD in me requires things to be tied up with a nice little bow before I can close one chapter and start the next...
2013 was a year with a lot of ups and downs for us, and I think even that is an understatement.
Let's go to the highlights reel, shall we?
We struggled with stress, anger, disappointment, sadness, fear, doubt, and worry this year, but God has been gracious and has seen us through every single circumstance that we've experienced. He has let us experience the good and the bad, and blessed us for our perseverance through both. No, it definitely wasn't fun going through the not-so-awesomeness, and there were times where we questioned every part of what was happening and why it was happening. But you know what? God is good, and He never once let us struggle without His presence there to guide us and keep us going.
How can we appreciate the good times in our life without experiencing the bad times?
It's something that I've tried to remember when things suck. If life was always sunny and we never had to experience bad times, then the good times wouldn't matter as much. I don't know about you, but I find that I appreciate the good things more when they are few and far between (extra money, good hair days, a properly made pumpkin spice latte, you get the idea). When good times are abundant, yes life is awesome and the stress levels run low, but eventually I stop appreciating the little blessings and good days.
When you throw in a few bad days to mix it up, I can honestly say that those good days are suddenly so much better and mean so much more in the long-run.
What 2013 our "best year ever"? Not by a long shot!
Did it give us an opportunity to grow, to learn, and to appreciate the good days when they came? Absolutely!
So what does 2014 hold for us? I have absolutely no idea but I know that no matter what it is, God's already there. How awesome is that?!
Wishing you and your family a very blessed (and safe!) New Year's Eve and 2014!
2013 was a year with a lot of ups and downs for us, and I think even that is an understatement.
Let's go to the highlights reel, shall we?
- We survived our first North Country Winter this year, which involved more snow and colder temperatures than I had ever expected!
- We spent the year getting to know some of our new best friends at Fort Drum, who have now become our Army family.
- H reintroduced himself to fishing and filled our freezer with Pickerel and Northern Pike (which we still haven't eaten our way through - any one up for a New Year's fish fry?!)
- I started grad school and successfully completed my first semester with a 4.0 and all of my brain cells.
- We celebrated our second wedding anniversary!
- Even from far away, we got to watch our nephew grow from a rambunctious two year old who only spoke a few words here and there, to an even more rambunctious three year old who is so smart and handsome with a great sense of humor. Watch out ladies!
- We celebrated both H's sister's engagement and my sister's engagement to some awesome guys.
- I became more involved in both PWOC and the FRG, which has opened some doors of opportunity for me and taught me a lot about who I am
- We finally had our first family camping trip, which we've been talking about doing for over 6 years now!
- We got our first dog (and then gave him back when his owner returned from deployment)
- H taught me how to change the oil in our Jeep (not sure if that's more of an accomplishment for me or him haha!)
- I know there's a ton more awesome things that we did, celebrated, learned, and experienced in 2013 that I'm missing, but bear with me since I still haven't had my morning coffee yet ;)
We struggled with stress, anger, disappointment, sadness, fear, doubt, and worry this year, but God has been gracious and has seen us through every single circumstance that we've experienced. He has let us experience the good and the bad, and blessed us for our perseverance through both. No, it definitely wasn't fun going through the not-so-awesomeness, and there were times where we questioned every part of what was happening and why it was happening. But you know what? God is good, and He never once let us struggle without His presence there to guide us and keep us going.
How can we appreciate the good times in our life without experiencing the bad times?
It's something that I've tried to remember when things suck. If life was always sunny and we never had to experience bad times, then the good times wouldn't matter as much. I don't know about you, but I find that I appreciate the good things more when they are few and far between (extra money, good hair days, a properly made pumpkin spice latte, you get the idea). When good times are abundant, yes life is awesome and the stress levels run low, but eventually I stop appreciating the little blessings and good days.
When you throw in a few bad days to mix it up, I can honestly say that those good days are suddenly so much better and mean so much more in the long-run.
What 2013 our "best year ever"? Not by a long shot!
Did it give us an opportunity to grow, to learn, and to appreciate the good days when they came? Absolutely!
So what does 2014 hold for us? I have absolutely no idea but I know that no matter what it is, God's already there. How awesome is that?!
Wishing you and your family a very blessed (and safe!) New Year's Eve and 2014!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Purpose
I lost my baby.
It's been almost six weeks since our angel baby went home to be with Christ. Six weeks of putting away the few baby items we had accumulated since finding out we were pregnant. Six weeks of learning how to move forward and trust God. Six weeks of watching friends and family who are pregnant hit milestones, get ultrasounds, and reveal genders that we don't get to experience right now.
And while that feels like six weeks of torture and pain, it's been a very enlightening six weeks for me.
God has spoken to me a lot during my healing time, and has opened my eyes to so much that He wants me to know. He's shown me just how strong I really am, and how deep my faith in Him runs. He's taught me what His timing means, and that when His time comes, the blessings will be perfect. He's given me the opportunity to bless others and to be a witness of His provisions and strength.
One of the biggest things I struggled with through all of this was how I was supposed to praise God through this storm. It's a song lyric I hear, a Christian sentiment that is passed on so often to remind us to stay strong through the dark times we experience. But I quickly found it's much easier to say it than to do it. How am I supposed to raise my hands and thank God for this overwhelming sadness? What do I say in praise to Him when all I can do is cry and ask why? How in the world am I supposed to be thankful that I had to fall in love with this little baby that I lost before I even had the chance to hold them?
It's not easy.
I don't even know if I did it right.
And at first, praising Him through all of this was almost as painful as the loss itself, especially when all I wanted to do was yell at Him for letting me experience all of this, only to have it taken away.
So I was honest with Him. I told Him how I had no idea how I was supposed to praise Him and be thankful through all of this pain and anger. I asked Him to give me the words of praise because I didn't even know what to say. I thanked Him for letting me be a mommy to this little baby, even if it was only for 9 weeks. For days, those few statements were all I could manage. But that's all it took. He began to open my eyes to the strength He was giving me, and the trust I was putting in Him to bless us in His perfect timing. He reminded me that every tear I've cried, He's holding in His hands along with our Nugget. And He showed me that through it all, He was my rock, my salvation, and my saving grace that knows the desires of my heart as I seek Him. Eventually, my prayers became less about why this happened, and more about thanking God for His bigger plan, even if I couldn't see it or understand it.
Without a doubt, God has used this loss to not only show me how strong I am through Him, but to allow me to be a light to others who don't understand how I can find peace and strength through all of this sadness.
I lost my baby.
My heart still aches for the little one I will never get to hold during my time on this Earth.
But I know that God has used this loss for His glory and for His bigger plan, and I find so much security and joy in knowing that if even one person in my life had a clearer understanding of where my peace, strength, and comfort comes from, then I know that my loss is His gain.
It's been almost six weeks since our angel baby went home to be with Christ. Six weeks of putting away the few baby items we had accumulated since finding out we were pregnant. Six weeks of learning how to move forward and trust God. Six weeks of watching friends and family who are pregnant hit milestones, get ultrasounds, and reveal genders that we don't get to experience right now.
And while that feels like six weeks of torture and pain, it's been a very enlightening six weeks for me.
God has spoken to me a lot during my healing time, and has opened my eyes to so much that He wants me to know. He's shown me just how strong I really am, and how deep my faith in Him runs. He's taught me what His timing means, and that when His time comes, the blessings will be perfect. He's given me the opportunity to bless others and to be a witness of His provisions and strength.
One of the biggest things I struggled with through all of this was how I was supposed to praise God through this storm. It's a song lyric I hear, a Christian sentiment that is passed on so often to remind us to stay strong through the dark times we experience. But I quickly found it's much easier to say it than to do it. How am I supposed to raise my hands and thank God for this overwhelming sadness? What do I say in praise to Him when all I can do is cry and ask why? How in the world am I supposed to be thankful that I had to fall in love with this little baby that I lost before I even had the chance to hold them?
It's not easy.
I don't even know if I did it right.
And at first, praising Him through all of this was almost as painful as the loss itself, especially when all I wanted to do was yell at Him for letting me experience all of this, only to have it taken away.
So I was honest with Him. I told Him how I had no idea how I was supposed to praise Him and be thankful through all of this pain and anger. I asked Him to give me the words of praise because I didn't even know what to say. I thanked Him for letting me be a mommy to this little baby, even if it was only for 9 weeks. For days, those few statements were all I could manage. But that's all it took. He began to open my eyes to the strength He was giving me, and the trust I was putting in Him to bless us in His perfect timing. He reminded me that every tear I've cried, He's holding in His hands along with our Nugget. And He showed me that through it all, He was my rock, my salvation, and my saving grace that knows the desires of my heart as I seek Him. Eventually, my prayers became less about why this happened, and more about thanking God for His bigger plan, even if I couldn't see it or understand it.
Without a doubt, God has used this loss to not only show me how strong I am through Him, but to allow me to be a light to others who don't understand how I can find peace and strength through all of this sadness.
I lost my baby.
My heart still aches for the little one I will never get to hold during my time on this Earth.
But I know that God has used this loss for His glory and for His bigger plan, and I find so much security and joy in knowing that if even one person in my life had a clearer understanding of where my peace, strength, and comfort comes from, then I know that my loss is His gain.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Holes in our Heart
A small baby, but a big hole.
So far, that's the most accurate sentiment for what I'm feeling. At only 9 weeks (but measuring 6), our baby was the size of a lentil when we went into the ER for an ultrasound due to cramping and bleeding. That was four days ago. A lentil. And yet the hole it's left in our hearts and our lives is so much bigger.
I don't think anyone goes into a pregnancy expecting a miscarriage. But everyone goes in with the fear of it. Monday night, our biggest fear came true. Too much cramping and bleeding. Four hours, a pelvic exam, an ultrasound, and a lot of tears later, we were sent home with discharge papers and an informational handout on "threatened miscarriage." I wish I could say that things turned around after going home, but God had a different plan.
For the past three days, we have been processing our loss. Last night (Wednesday) was when our fear finally came full circle and I fully miscarried. There's no better way to say it, no way to sugar coat it or make it sound more poetic than it is. I miscarried our first pregnancy. Our first baby. And the biggest thing I have had to overcome through all of this processing is blaming myself. But that's for another post...
There is no right or wrong way to process this, from what we've found. There's no right or wrong way to feel. There's no prescribed length of time it takes to get through this. It's all a guessing game for us. We're learning each moment of each day what's right for us, for our family, and how we process it. I don't know if it will ever truly "go away" or "get better." What I do know is that this has brought H and I closer, and has given us a new appreciation for the child that God will bless us with when the time is right.
We're finding that our love is strong enough to overcome even the greatest loss. And that you can never take your partner's love and strength for granted. I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten through any of this without him by my side through it all.
We're finding that our faith is stronger than we realize. And that God's plan is always greater, even if we can't see it or understand it.
And we're learning that the support of our friends and family is crucial. No one ever really knows what to say when this happens, unless you've actually been through a miscarriage. Thank goodness for the support of a friend who has had her own share of heartache from the loss of a baby. She let me cry, ask questions, grieve, and move forward with an openness that I appreciate more than she can ever know. Nothing was off limits, and that's what I needed to help me process all of this. And the constant support of my mother, my best friend, and my sister is something that I can never truly repay. The patience, the understanding, the reminder that it's not my fault and that God has a bigger plan - I don't think I could have made it through all of this without their constant support and love.
Have we given up hope of being parents? Not by a long shot.
As soon as we're ready, we're getting back on that horse and trusting God's timing.
But I don't think we'll ever forget our first Nugget baby, our first love and loss. God had other plans for that baby, and has other plans for us. If anything, this loss has taught us to lean even more on our faith in God and on each other for strength. It's taught us that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is or if it makes sense to us.
It's taught us that even the smallest baby can leave the biggest hole.
So far, that's the most accurate sentiment for what I'm feeling. At only 9 weeks (but measuring 6), our baby was the size of a lentil when we went into the ER for an ultrasound due to cramping and bleeding. That was four days ago. A lentil. And yet the hole it's left in our hearts and our lives is so much bigger.
I don't think anyone goes into a pregnancy expecting a miscarriage. But everyone goes in with the fear of it. Monday night, our biggest fear came true. Too much cramping and bleeding. Four hours, a pelvic exam, an ultrasound, and a lot of tears later, we were sent home with discharge papers and an informational handout on "threatened miscarriage." I wish I could say that things turned around after going home, but God had a different plan.
For the past three days, we have been processing our loss. Last night (Wednesday) was when our fear finally came full circle and I fully miscarried. There's no better way to say it, no way to sugar coat it or make it sound more poetic than it is. I miscarried our first pregnancy. Our first baby. And the biggest thing I have had to overcome through all of this processing is blaming myself. But that's for another post...
There is no right or wrong way to process this, from what we've found. There's no right or wrong way to feel. There's no prescribed length of time it takes to get through this. It's all a guessing game for us. We're learning each moment of each day what's right for us, for our family, and how we process it. I don't know if it will ever truly "go away" or "get better." What I do know is that this has brought H and I closer, and has given us a new appreciation for the child that God will bless us with when the time is right.
We're finding that our love is strong enough to overcome even the greatest loss. And that you can never take your partner's love and strength for granted. I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten through any of this without him by my side through it all.
We're finding that our faith is stronger than we realize. And that God's plan is always greater, even if we can't see it or understand it.
And we're learning that the support of our friends and family is crucial. No one ever really knows what to say when this happens, unless you've actually been through a miscarriage. Thank goodness for the support of a friend who has had her own share of heartache from the loss of a baby. She let me cry, ask questions, grieve, and move forward with an openness that I appreciate more than she can ever know. Nothing was off limits, and that's what I needed to help me process all of this. And the constant support of my mother, my best friend, and my sister is something that I can never truly repay. The patience, the understanding, the reminder that it's not my fault and that God has a bigger plan - I don't think I could have made it through all of this without their constant support and love.
Have we given up hope of being parents? Not by a long shot.
As soon as we're ready, we're getting back on that horse and trusting God's timing.
But I don't think we'll ever forget our first Nugget baby, our first love and loss. God had other plans for that baby, and has other plans for us. If anything, this loss has taught us to lean even more on our faith in God and on each other for strength. It's taught us that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is or if it makes sense to us.
It's taught us that even the smallest baby can leave the biggest hole.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Waiting...
It feels like I'm waiting for everything right now!
I'm waiting to have my first ultrasound and hear my little Nugget's heartbeat.
I'm waiting to tell all of our friends and family (minus a few select secret keepers!) our good news
I'm waiting to start feeling morning sickness...okay, "waiting" isn't the best term. But I know it's coming soon, so every morning I wake up expecting to feel sick and I'm waiting for the day it happens.
This part of the pregnancy is mentally trying! I just want to see Nugget and hear his/her heartbeat so that we can start telling the good news to all of our friends, and I can stop saving all of these posts as drafts and actually publish them. The worst part is we haven't told our sisters yet, and I feel like I might explode not telling them!
Nothing much has changed in terms of symptoms. Still no morning sickness, but I'm finding if I eat too much I get nauseous. Still can't eat eggs. Still eating Tums like it's candy and getting up three or four times a night to pee (probably TMI lol). I just want to shout to the world that our family is starting and we have a little Nugget joining us in April!
I'm waiting to have my first ultrasound and hear my little Nugget's heartbeat.
I'm waiting to tell all of our friends and family (minus a few select secret keepers!) our good news
I'm waiting to start feeling morning sickness...okay, "waiting" isn't the best term. But I know it's coming soon, so every morning I wake up expecting to feel sick and I'm waiting for the day it happens.
This part of the pregnancy is mentally trying! I just want to see Nugget and hear his/her heartbeat so that we can start telling the good news to all of our friends, and I can stop saving all of these posts as drafts and actually publish them. The worst part is we haven't told our sisters yet, and I feel like I might explode not telling them!
Nothing much has changed in terms of symptoms. Still no morning sickness, but I'm finding if I eat too much I get nauseous. Still can't eat eggs. Still eating Tums like it's candy and getting up three or four times a night to pee (probably TMI lol). I just want to shout to the world that our family is starting and we have a little Nugget joining us in April!
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Allergies, or is Baby K already trolling me...
My little Nugget is quite the troll and he isn't even here yet.
I've always had acid reflux issues, and Tums are my BFF. But the heartburn I have had since finding out I was preggers makes my acid reflux look like the hiccups. That, combined with the feeling like I need to take naps at the most random times, and the allergies that make it almost impossible to be outside, and I feel like my body is turning on me.
I'm not complaining, trust me. I knew coming into this that these kinds of symptoms were commonplace for pregnancy and with how much we've wanted to start our family, I knew I was asking for this kind of stuff. But I didn't realize how much my body would change with little things like this, or how quickly it would all happen.
I'm at five weeks, and I can already tell there's some ch-ch-ch-chaaanges (sing it!) going on. Like the fact that all of a sudden, I can't eat regular-sized meals like I could 2 weeks ago. For example, we had steak for dinner last night, along with mashed potatoes and cantaloupe. Two weeks ago, I could have easily eaten the majority of my steak, all of my potatoes, and some melon without any problems. Last night? A third (maybe) of my steak, half my potatoes, and 3 small pieces of melon. What the heck, Nugget, shouldn't you be hungry if you're going through a major growth spurt right now, especially for one of my favorite foods?! And even after just that small portion of food, I felt bloated. But you better believe about an hour later I could tell I was hungry again. It's so weird; my body has never been like that, but I guess it's all part of the mommyhood territory. Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm hungry or mildly nauseous, although I have to be thankful that I haven't experienced morning sickness yet (knocking on the wooden desk in the office as we speak!). And I learned that scrambled eggs are a major no-go for me right now.
It's weird that two weeks ago, none of this was an issue. I could eat normal, had my usual heartburn symptoms, and rarely felt bloated or nauseous. In the matter of two weeks of Nugget growing, though, it's like my body has done a complete 180 and I don't even know it anymore. It's weird. And I know there's still more changes to come, but it's kind of like these little changes make the fact that I'm actually pregnant feel so much more real... and that I definitely don't mind :)
xoxo, M
I've always had acid reflux issues, and Tums are my BFF. But the heartburn I have had since finding out I was preggers makes my acid reflux look like the hiccups. That, combined with the feeling like I need to take naps at the most random times, and the allergies that make it almost impossible to be outside, and I feel like my body is turning on me.
I'm not complaining, trust me. I knew coming into this that these kinds of symptoms were commonplace for pregnancy and with how much we've wanted to start our family, I knew I was asking for this kind of stuff. But I didn't realize how much my body would change with little things like this, or how quickly it would all happen.
I'm at five weeks, and I can already tell there's some ch-ch-ch-chaaanges (sing it!) going on. Like the fact that all of a sudden, I can't eat regular-sized meals like I could 2 weeks ago. For example, we had steak for dinner last night, along with mashed potatoes and cantaloupe. Two weeks ago, I could have easily eaten the majority of my steak, all of my potatoes, and some melon without any problems. Last night? A third (maybe) of my steak, half my potatoes, and 3 small pieces of melon. What the heck, Nugget, shouldn't you be hungry if you're going through a major growth spurt right now, especially for one of my favorite foods?! And even after just that small portion of food, I felt bloated. But you better believe about an hour later I could tell I was hungry again. It's so weird; my body has never been like that, but I guess it's all part of the mommyhood territory. Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm hungry or mildly nauseous, although I have to be thankful that I haven't experienced morning sickness yet (knocking on the wooden desk in the office as we speak!). And I learned that scrambled eggs are a major no-go for me right now.
It's weird that two weeks ago, none of this was an issue. I could eat normal, had my usual heartburn symptoms, and rarely felt bloated or nauseous. In the matter of two weeks of Nugget growing, though, it's like my body has done a complete 180 and I don't even know it anymore. It's weird. And I know there's still more changes to come, but it's kind of like these little changes make the fact that I'm actually pregnant feel so much more real... and that I definitely don't mind :)
xoxo, M
Baby K Update
It finally happened - we're pregnant!! It still feels very surreal, like it's all a dream and I'm going to wake up tomorrow and realize that we still have months of trying ahead of us. I'm writing this on August 25, but I won't actually be publishing it until September 15 due to waiting until we're officially at 8 weeks before making the announcement public. Here's our story...
Things around our house have been...stressful...to say the least. I quit my job about a month ago to go back to school full-time, which has made money a bit tighter than usual for us. We're doing just fine, paying bills and such, but going from two incomes to one is an adjustment to say the least. I'm preparing to start my first semester of grad school tomorrow, which has me both excited and nervous, but I know that this is a door God has finally opened for me so I'm putting my worries in Him. H is about to head back to his original unit as they return from deployment which is going to shake up his work situation more than he'd like. He's had a great run at his current unit while his original unit was deployed and made a really good impression on a lot of his CO's, but with his original unit coming home and the transition back to that unit comes having to start back at square-one in terms of proving he's a squared-away soldier ready to take on responsibilities and start going to schools.
So, yeah, to say our household has been under stress lately is a bit of an understatement.
When I realized I was a few days late, I just chalked it up to the fact that I'm under stress and didn't think too much else of it, especially since last month I thought our timing for making Baby K was off due to my trip home for my cousin's wedding (H didn't come with me, and while we "took care of business" prior to me leaving, I didn't think we were close enough to my O date). Then I caught myself crying while watching a touching segment on ESPN's SportsCenter. Yes. I cried while watching a piece about a Make-a-Wish kid and the Arizona Diamond Backs. That's when I knew I needed to test.
Fast forward to about 12:30pm and I'm crying in the bathroom over the two VERY dark lines on my positive test. H had just gone back to work from his lunch break, and I've had a plan since April about how I wanted to surprise him with the good news, so I went into "freak out, cry, happy dance, gotta get this surprise put together" mode. Thank goodness for my bestie #2 up here who went through pregnancy/delivery at Fort Drum and knew how to direct me - calling the doctor, setting up a blood test, getting all goofy excited for me over the phone. The usual. :) At 3pm I took another test, just for kicks and giggles (and to make sure I wasn't the fluke patient who would have a false positive test - do those even happen?!). Again, two VERY dark lines. Called the doctor and scheduled myself for bloodwork the following morning, and eagerly started putting together H's surprise:
To say H was shocked is an understatement. I'm pretty sure he sat there silently, staring at the items in the box for a solid 10 minutes before anything actually registered in his mind. (For the record, H is the third man in his family to have his name, so we have always referred to Baby K as "the fourth", hence the blue note). In fact, I'm pretty sure it didn't actually settle in until the next afternoon when I got the call from my doctor's office confirming my two positive HPT's.
So it's official - Baby K (or Nugget, as I've been calling him/her) is due to arrive April 27, 2014! I'm exactly 5 weeks pregnant as I write this, and my parents just left from visiting for the weekend. It was amazing getting to tell them in person, since I really thought I'd have to do it over Facetime or Skype with us being 500 miles away from them. We surprised them at dinner on Thursday night, and they are almost as excited as we are. Tonight we'll be calling H's mom to tell her, which I'm a little more nervous about. It's her first grandbaby, and my parent's second. We've told a very few select close friends, but as for everyone else...well they have to wait until September 15 to find out :) And chances are, if you're reading this, you probably just found out today, too!
Go have a celebratory drink (or two) for me, since it'll be a looooong time before I can have one, and remember to trust God in His timing - it'll all work out when He's ready for it to.
xoxo, M
Things around our house have been...stressful...to say the least. I quit my job about a month ago to go back to school full-time, which has made money a bit tighter than usual for us. We're doing just fine, paying bills and such, but going from two incomes to one is an adjustment to say the least. I'm preparing to start my first semester of grad school tomorrow, which has me both excited and nervous, but I know that this is a door God has finally opened for me so I'm putting my worries in Him. H is about to head back to his original unit as they return from deployment which is going to shake up his work situation more than he'd like. He's had a great run at his current unit while his original unit was deployed and made a really good impression on a lot of his CO's, but with his original unit coming home and the transition back to that unit comes having to start back at square-one in terms of proving he's a squared-away soldier ready to take on responsibilities and start going to schools.
So, yeah, to say our household has been under stress lately is a bit of an understatement.
When I realized I was a few days late, I just chalked it up to the fact that I'm under stress and didn't think too much else of it, especially since last month I thought our timing for making Baby K was off due to my trip home for my cousin's wedding (H didn't come with me, and while we "took care of business" prior to me leaving, I didn't think we were close enough to my O date). Then I caught myself crying while watching a touching segment on ESPN's SportsCenter. Yes. I cried while watching a piece about a Make-a-Wish kid and the Arizona Diamond Backs. That's when I knew I needed to test.
Fast forward to about 12:30pm and I'm crying in the bathroom over the two VERY dark lines on my positive test. H had just gone back to work from his lunch break, and I've had a plan since April about how I wanted to surprise him with the good news, so I went into "freak out, cry, happy dance, gotta get this surprise put together" mode. Thank goodness for my bestie #2 up here who went through pregnancy/delivery at Fort Drum and knew how to direct me - calling the doctor, setting up a blood test, getting all goofy excited for me over the phone. The usual. :) At 3pm I took another test, just for kicks and giggles (and to make sure I wasn't the fluke patient who would have a false positive test - do those even happen?!). Again, two VERY dark lines. Called the doctor and scheduled myself for bloodwork the following morning, and eagerly started putting together H's surprise:
To say H was shocked is an understatement. I'm pretty sure he sat there silently, staring at the items in the box for a solid 10 minutes before anything actually registered in his mind. (For the record, H is the third man in his family to have his name, so we have always referred to Baby K as "the fourth", hence the blue note). In fact, I'm pretty sure it didn't actually settle in until the next afternoon when I got the call from my doctor's office confirming my two positive HPT's.
So it's official - Baby K (or Nugget, as I've been calling him/her) is due to arrive April 27, 2014! I'm exactly 5 weeks pregnant as I write this, and my parents just left from visiting for the weekend. It was amazing getting to tell them in person, since I really thought I'd have to do it over Facetime or Skype with us being 500 miles away from them. We surprised them at dinner on Thursday night, and they are almost as excited as we are. Tonight we'll be calling H's mom to tell her, which I'm a little more nervous about. It's her first grandbaby, and my parent's second. We've told a very few select close friends, but as for everyone else...well they have to wait until September 15 to find out :) And chances are, if you're reading this, you probably just found out today, too!
Go have a celebratory drink (or two) for me, since it'll be a looooong time before I can have one, and remember to trust God in His timing - it'll all work out when He's ready for it to.
xoxo, M
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Momma's Day :)
It's that special Sunday where everyone remembers why they love the one woman who as loved them from the start - their mom. I'm blessed to have a lot of really strong women in my life who have helped raise and influence me, so today I'll be taking time to talk about each one of them.
Being that it's Mother's Day, I'll start with my mom (of course!) and all the amazingness that she is. The amount of patience this woman has is unfathomable considering all she's put up with between me and my sister over the years. She's been the foundation that I've built my life upon and when I look at where I am in life, I know I wouldn't be where I am or who I am without her. She taught me so much over the years: the importance of God in my life and always coming back to Him; how to properly plant a garden that actually looks good and lasts the summer; that sometimes you shouldn't try to dig up big bushes in the backyard if there's a chance a stick might stab you in the eye; how to cook a delicious meal using family recipes passed down through generations; that overdrawing your bank account not only causes financial problems but that it makes your mom REALLY mad; that even though she's REALLY mad forgiveness is still a part of loving someone; and that being a genuine, loving, compassionate person is more important that having every material item in the world. She's my best friend who has been there for me when I've been overcome by sadness or needed to share something exciting in my life, she's been a role model for holding a marriage together, grounding yourself in God's love and truths, and having a heart for service to others. I attribute my character, sense of humor, frizzy hair, and love of academics all to her, and I am so thankful to have her as my Momma.
Who taught my mom all this amazingness that she could pass on to me and my sister? Why, her mother, of course. My Grammy was an amazing woman, a true saint in her own right. To this day, she is one of the strongest Christian women I have ever known, and was the true matriarch of our family. She made birthday cakes for Jesus every Christmas, and kept oatmeal cookies on the kitchen counter at all times. She could make you feel like the most important person in the world with her love and kind words, but wasn't afraid to put you in your place if you got out of line (and trust me, that wasn't something you wanted to hear from her!). She spent her Sunday's watching NASCAR and TBN church services with her shotgun by her side, ready to take out any groundhog trying to dig holes in her yard. She was the woman I called when I was home sick from school just to hear her tell me to drink water and eat crackers in my jammies till I felt better, the woman I ate pie and drank coffee with on Saturday afternoons when I had breaks and was home from college. She yelled at me for getting a tattoo, then told me how cute the black ink butterfly on my shoulder actually was. There isn't a day that goes by, even seven years later, that I don't think about her or see her influence somewhere in my life. I know she's up in Heaven fussing over whether or not the angels have planted the spring flowers in the right spots of God's garden :)
I've been fortunate enough to have a few "adopted moms" growing up, too. Joni and Kim, mothers to my best friends since we were just babies, have been there for me for the past 27 years. From help planning secret parties for my parents, advice on everything from school to boys, even just keeping me in line when my own mom wasn't there and I felt like I could probably get away with something (so optimistic on my part, and yet so wrong haha!). They both saw me as their own child, and made sure that if I needed something they would try their best to take care of me. I'm beyond thankful for their influence, love, and guidance growing up and for seeing me as their own daughter.
I can't help but look at today with some optimism and butterflies in my tummy that maybe just maybe this will be my last mother's day without being a mommy. One thing I know for sure is that I have had a lot of "lessons" over the years of what a good mother/mother figure should be thanks to my incredible mom and all the other amazing mother figures in my life. If I can be even half the mother that these woman have added up to be, I know my child will be blessed beyond belief and will (hopefully) grow up with good character, strong faith, and a compassion for helping others.
Happy Mother's Day to all my friends who are mommies, mommies-to-be, have been an "adopted" mommy to another child, a role model, a teacher, or who have had any kind of positive influence on a child around them. You have no idea how loved you truly are!
-M
Being that it's Mother's Day, I'll start with my mom (of course!) and all the amazingness that she is. The amount of patience this woman has is unfathomable considering all she's put up with between me and my sister over the years. She's been the foundation that I've built my life upon and when I look at where I am in life, I know I wouldn't be where I am or who I am without her. She taught me so much over the years: the importance of God in my life and always coming back to Him; how to properly plant a garden that actually looks good and lasts the summer; that sometimes you shouldn't try to dig up big bushes in the backyard if there's a chance a stick might stab you in the eye; how to cook a delicious meal using family recipes passed down through generations; that overdrawing your bank account not only causes financial problems but that it makes your mom REALLY mad; that even though she's REALLY mad forgiveness is still a part of loving someone; and that being a genuine, loving, compassionate person is more important that having every material item in the world. She's my best friend who has been there for me when I've been overcome by sadness or needed to share something exciting in my life, she's been a role model for holding a marriage together, grounding yourself in God's love and truths, and having a heart for service to others. I attribute my character, sense of humor, frizzy hair, and love of academics all to her, and I am so thankful to have her as my Momma.
Who taught my mom all this amazingness that she could pass on to me and my sister? Why, her mother, of course. My Grammy was an amazing woman, a true saint in her own right. To this day, she is one of the strongest Christian women I have ever known, and was the true matriarch of our family. She made birthday cakes for Jesus every Christmas, and kept oatmeal cookies on the kitchen counter at all times. She could make you feel like the most important person in the world with her love and kind words, but wasn't afraid to put you in your place if you got out of line (and trust me, that wasn't something you wanted to hear from her!). She spent her Sunday's watching NASCAR and TBN church services with her shotgun by her side, ready to take out any groundhog trying to dig holes in her yard. She was the woman I called when I was home sick from school just to hear her tell me to drink water and eat crackers in my jammies till I felt better, the woman I ate pie and drank coffee with on Saturday afternoons when I had breaks and was home from college. She yelled at me for getting a tattoo, then told me how cute the black ink butterfly on my shoulder actually was. There isn't a day that goes by, even seven years later, that I don't think about her or see her influence somewhere in my life. I know she's up in Heaven fussing over whether or not the angels have planted the spring flowers in the right spots of God's garden :)
I've been fortunate enough to have a few "adopted moms" growing up, too. Joni and Kim, mothers to my best friends since we were just babies, have been there for me for the past 27 years. From help planning secret parties for my parents, advice on everything from school to boys, even just keeping me in line when my own mom wasn't there and I felt like I could probably get away with something (so optimistic on my part, and yet so wrong haha!). They both saw me as their own child, and made sure that if I needed something they would try their best to take care of me. I'm beyond thankful for their influence, love, and guidance growing up and for seeing me as their own daughter.
I can't help but look at today with some optimism and butterflies in my tummy that maybe just maybe this will be my last mother's day without being a mommy. One thing I know for sure is that I have had a lot of "lessons" over the years of what a good mother/mother figure should be thanks to my incredible mom and all the other amazing mother figures in my life. If I can be even half the mother that these woman have added up to be, I know my child will be blessed beyond belief and will (hopefully) grow up with good character, strong faith, and a compassion for helping others.
 |
| My momma and me through the years! |
Happy Mother's Day to all my friends who are mommies, mommies-to-be, have been an "adopted" mommy to another child, a role model, a teacher, or who have had any kind of positive influence on a child around them. You have no idea how loved you truly are!
-M
Friday, May 10, 2013
Love, Laughter, and Happily Ever After
H and I were incredibly blessed to have been chosen to attend a Strong Bonds marriage retreat this past week. Let me preface this by saying no, I didn't have to convince H to go; he actually surprised me with it! I've been telling him I wanted to go to one for a few months now, and with us starting the journey of trying to have a baby we thought it would be good to attend a retreat about strengthening the foundations of our marriage. Plus, it's the closest thing we are going to get to a vacation! Three days at Niagara Falls with all of our hotel stay and meals paid for, plus an amazing program run by the chaplains on how to improve our communication and understanding of each other? Sign us up!
It was an amazing program. If you ever have a chance to check out Mark Gungor's "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage," do it! It was incredible! Mark is a great speaker and pastor who approaches marriage with the concept of God made us this way, so instead of trying to change one another, let's change how we communicate with each other to better understand our spouse. His tone is extremely entertaining and makes you laugh while still tackling serious concepts, and (at least for us) he's pretty spot-on about how the male brain and the female brains work. We both really enjoyed the whole retreat and the program that was used, and I can honestly say that I feel like we both got a lot out of it to apply to our relationship.
I think sometimes it's so easy to take advantage our partner. Even having only been married for 18 months, we've been together for over five years and I know that I'm guilty of taking advantage of H at times. I assume he'll be the one to take out the trash, mow the lawn, or put his dirty boot socks and PT's into the laundry so when he does it I don't think about needing to say a simple "thank you" or tell him how much I appreciate when he does little things like that. Mark's program put a lot of emphasis on making sure your spouse knows how much you appreciate them, even for the little things, and doing simple acts of kindness to show how much you care for and prioritize them. That's one of the main things that H and I are trying to apply right away. Today, while at a rest stop on the NY throughway on our trip home, H got up to throw away our lunch trash and came back with an "I <3 NY" pressed penny (he knows how much I love getting pressed pennies on our adventures) just because he thought it was something that would make me smile. It wasn't a huge gesture that cost a lot of money or required any big plans, it was simply a pressed penny that he knew would put a smile on my face. And you know what? It did! It meant more to me than flowers because it was something special that he knew I loved to collect and he put thought into why he got it for me. It's little acts like this that Mark was talking about, and I can't even begin to tell you how appreciative I was for my penny! :) I love that H took what we learned to heart and already started to apply it to our marriage.
I'm excited, too, because I feel like we've found a new way to show our love and appreciation for each other, which Baby K will grow up and see. They'll see a father who goes out of his way to be kind to their mother and show her how much he cares for her; they'll see a mother who supports their father's dreams and who shows genuine appreciation for their father's actions and kindness. Baby K will see what a solid relationship should look like, and will grow up in a home where love and healthy relationships are a constant. They'll know what love should look, sound, and feel like, and I can't imagine a better environment for a child to grow up in.
We were given "practical application" time on Thursday afternoon, which was a chance to practice and apply the concepts we learned as well as have a date night. It was great, because it gave H and I a chance to explore Niagara Falls and have some "vacation" time! We explored the state park and of course the Falls - so incredibly powerful and beautiful! We got to check out the fun touristy shops, learned about the history of the Falls, took a trolley ride around the area, rode the Maid of the Mist out to the Falls (and got incredibly soaked doing it!), and then got all fancied up and went to the casino where H won $50 on penny slots - high roller status! It was so much fun to have a chance to get dressed up, go out to dinner, and check out the casino. We're not gamblers, but it was fun to go play the penny slots a little and check out what the casino was like. Just the whole vacation part of the trip was great for us, because we've never had a chance to go on a vacation like that and if it wasn't for the fact that the major parts of the trip (hotel and meals) were paid for by the Army, we'd probably never be able to afford it. So this trip wasn't just a blessing to attend the marriage retreat, but was a blessing for a vacation!
It was an incredible week, for sure, and I feel so blessed and thankful to have been able to experience it. The chaplain gave each couple a few books written by Mark to keep working on things outside of the retreat, and we're both (yes, even H) looking forward to keeping the growth and strengthening of our marriage going with this awesome program.
I'm just continually amazed at God's blessings for us, and hope that the blessings continue coming as we officially start the process of trying to conceive!
-M
It was an amazing program. If you ever have a chance to check out Mark Gungor's "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage," do it! It was incredible! Mark is a great speaker and pastor who approaches marriage with the concept of God made us this way, so instead of trying to change one another, let's change how we communicate with each other to better understand our spouse. His tone is extremely entertaining and makes you laugh while still tackling serious concepts, and (at least for us) he's pretty spot-on about how the male brain and the female brains work. We both really enjoyed the whole retreat and the program that was used, and I can honestly say that I feel like we both got a lot out of it to apply to our relationship.
I think sometimes it's so easy to take advantage our partner. Even having only been married for 18 months, we've been together for over five years and I know that I'm guilty of taking advantage of H at times. I assume he'll be the one to take out the trash, mow the lawn, or put his dirty boot socks and PT's into the laundry so when he does it I don't think about needing to say a simple "thank you" or tell him how much I appreciate when he does little things like that. Mark's program put a lot of emphasis on making sure your spouse knows how much you appreciate them, even for the little things, and doing simple acts of kindness to show how much you care for and prioritize them. That's one of the main things that H and I are trying to apply right away. Today, while at a rest stop on the NY throughway on our trip home, H got up to throw away our lunch trash and came back with an "I <3 NY" pressed penny (he knows how much I love getting pressed pennies on our adventures) just because he thought it was something that would make me smile. It wasn't a huge gesture that cost a lot of money or required any big plans, it was simply a pressed penny that he knew would put a smile on my face. And you know what? It did! It meant more to me than flowers because it was something special that he knew I loved to collect and he put thought into why he got it for me. It's little acts like this that Mark was talking about, and I can't even begin to tell you how appreciative I was for my penny! :) I love that H took what we learned to heart and already started to apply it to our marriage.
I'm excited, too, because I feel like we've found a new way to show our love and appreciation for each other, which Baby K will grow up and see. They'll see a father who goes out of his way to be kind to their mother and show her how much he cares for her; they'll see a mother who supports their father's dreams and who shows genuine appreciation for their father's actions and kindness. Baby K will see what a solid relationship should look like, and will grow up in a home where love and healthy relationships are a constant. They'll know what love should look, sound, and feel like, and I can't imagine a better environment for a child to grow up in.
We were given "practical application" time on Thursday afternoon, which was a chance to practice and apply the concepts we learned as well as have a date night. It was great, because it gave H and I a chance to explore Niagara Falls and have some "vacation" time! We explored the state park and of course the Falls - so incredibly powerful and beautiful! We got to check out the fun touristy shops, learned about the history of the Falls, took a trolley ride around the area, rode the Maid of the Mist out to the Falls (and got incredibly soaked doing it!), and then got all fancied up and went to the casino where H won $50 on penny slots - high roller status! It was so much fun to have a chance to get dressed up, go out to dinner, and check out the casino. We're not gamblers, but it was fun to go play the penny slots a little and check out what the casino was like. Just the whole vacation part of the trip was great for us, because we've never had a chance to go on a vacation like that and if it wasn't for the fact that the major parts of the trip (hotel and meals) were paid for by the Army, we'd probably never be able to afford it. So this trip wasn't just a blessing to attend the marriage retreat, but was a blessing for a vacation!
 | |
| On the Maid of the Mist boat ride at Niagara Falls, May 2013 |
It was an incredible week, for sure, and I feel so blessed and thankful to have been able to experience it. The chaplain gave each couple a few books written by Mark to keep working on things outside of the retreat, and we're both (yes, even H) looking forward to keeping the growth and strengthening of our marriage going with this awesome program.
I'm just continually amazed at God's blessings for us, and hope that the blessings continue coming as we officially start the process of trying to conceive!
-M
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Where has the time gone?!
We've been in New York for 9 months? REALLY?
Where has the time gone? Seriously. It definitely doesn't feel like it's been that long. Maybe 4 months at most. But we've survived our first fall and winter in the North Country, H hit his one-year mark in the Army, and I've been teaching my preschoolers for eight months. Okay, I guess it has been that long. Wow that went by fast!
I know it seems crazy, but it feels like in the past 9 months there really haven't been that many interesting things going on to talk about. To be honest, it's almost felt a little stagnant. Not a bad stagnant, but definitely non-moving. Like I'm treading water.
As much as I've loved teaching at the preschool, it's not where my heart truly is. It's been almost 2 years since I've been in a high school classroom as a lead teacher, and I can feel myself losing a grip on the idea that I'll ever be back in one, especially here in New York. Up here, it's almost a requirement to have your Master's degree to be a teacher, which has put a damper on my ability to get back into a classroom. Thankfully, though, it looks like I'll be starting my Master's degree (back at good old BGSU!) program in August which will definitely help with the treading water feeling - almost like I'm finally starting to swim towards the far shore instead of just stay in place while I watch it like a dream.
I've also had to deal with homesickness more often than I anticipated. It's not terrible, but it's enough that every couple months I just feel like I'm missing out on everything back home. I've had to miss one very important wedding already this year, and there are at least 2 more that I can't attend. As the weather gets warmer, I keep feeling like "oh this is a perfect day to go grill and hang out with Krista and Abbie"; but of course, they're 600+ miles away. I'll find myself bored on a weeknight where H is in the field and all I want is to hang out with my sister and watch a movie. It usually only lasts a few days, and I do have some good friends who are up here that have been wonderful, but nothing beats being back home with my family once in a while.
Okay, enough with the Debbie Downerness of this post. While I've been dealing with the whole "treading water" and homesickness stuff, some amazing things have been happening! Both of our close friend couples up here have had babies in the past couple months! It's so wonderful to watch our friends' families expand and grow, and it's been an encouragement for us to try to start our own family. We are trusting God's hand in all of this and know that His timing is perfect timing, but we're hoping that sometime this summer we'll get some good news about our family doing some of it's own growing and expanding!
H passed the one-year mark for being in the Army back in March, and it's been a very interesting year for him. The unit that he originally got placed in has deployed, although he did not go with them. His particular company was kept behind on Rear Detachment (rear-d), and he's been temporarily moved from his original unit/company (an all-infantry unit) to a new unit/troop (a cavalry unit). While at first he wasn't excited about moving around like this, it's actually been a HUGE blessing in disguise. He's been able to move to a unit that is much better in terms of professionalism and training, and it's opened a lot of doors for him in terms of taking on leadership roles, going to training schools, and being taken seriously as a career soldier. He'll have the opportunity to go to the Soldier of the Month Board in a few weeks, which means he can (hopefully!) rank up sooner than anticipated. He's been able to prove himself a lot to his temporary commanding officers, even so much as to have them telling him that when his original unit returns from deployment, they want him to fill out paperwork to be permanently moved to their cavalry unit. He's really excited about that prospect, because in the cavalry unit he's got the ability to actually progress his career and get to where he wants to be a lot sooner. Praise God!
We also got to go to our first Military ball this spring, which was fantastic!
I've been able to start advertising and selling my cupcakes to friends up here, which has been amazing. It's like a pipe dream of mine is finally starting to come through, thanks to the support of H and his love of seeing my dreams come to fruition. It hasn't been anything crazy and big, but it's been enough to make me feel like I'm more than just a girl baking in her kitchen for free. (Yes, I'm about to shamelessly plug by business...but it's my blog, so I can do what I want! haha) Check out Lovebites Cupcakes :)
Riley kitten has grown a lot, and is officially the queen of our house. She's been so wonderful to have in our family, and it seems strange to think about our family before she was in it.
Okay, so I guess more has happened over the past 9 months than I'd realized. God has truly been blessing us up here. We've found a great church family where H gets to usher occasionally and I help with Sunday School. It finally feels like H's career is on-track and he'll have the chance to see some of his dreams come true. I'm able to attend grad school (finally!) and will hopefully be in my own classroom within the next year and a half. We've made great friends, gotten ourselves established and settled in up here, and are starting to work on growing our family. God's got His hand on us and we are truly blessed!
My goal is to actually update more than just every few months from now on. I know I've said it before, but with all the amazing things that are coming our way soon, I want to keep things updated more often. In theory, we'll use the blog to track the progress of trying to conceive and our pregnancy so there will be lots of updates from that! :) Hooray for blessings and change!
-M
Where has the time gone? Seriously. It definitely doesn't feel like it's been that long. Maybe 4 months at most. But we've survived our first fall and winter in the North Country, H hit his one-year mark in the Army, and I've been teaching my preschoolers for eight months. Okay, I guess it has been that long. Wow that went by fast!
I know it seems crazy, but it feels like in the past 9 months there really haven't been that many interesting things going on to talk about. To be honest, it's almost felt a little stagnant. Not a bad stagnant, but definitely non-moving. Like I'm treading water.
As much as I've loved teaching at the preschool, it's not where my heart truly is. It's been almost 2 years since I've been in a high school classroom as a lead teacher, and I can feel myself losing a grip on the idea that I'll ever be back in one, especially here in New York. Up here, it's almost a requirement to have your Master's degree to be a teacher, which has put a damper on my ability to get back into a classroom. Thankfully, though, it looks like I'll be starting my Master's degree (back at good old BGSU!) program in August which will definitely help with the treading water feeling - almost like I'm finally starting to swim towards the far shore instead of just stay in place while I watch it like a dream.
I've also had to deal with homesickness more often than I anticipated. It's not terrible, but it's enough that every couple months I just feel like I'm missing out on everything back home. I've had to miss one very important wedding already this year, and there are at least 2 more that I can't attend. As the weather gets warmer, I keep feeling like "oh this is a perfect day to go grill and hang out with Krista and Abbie"; but of course, they're 600+ miles away. I'll find myself bored on a weeknight where H is in the field and all I want is to hang out with my sister and watch a movie. It usually only lasts a few days, and I do have some good friends who are up here that have been wonderful, but nothing beats being back home with my family once in a while.
Okay, enough with the Debbie Downerness of this post. While I've been dealing with the whole "treading water" and homesickness stuff, some amazing things have been happening! Both of our close friend couples up here have had babies in the past couple months! It's so wonderful to watch our friends' families expand and grow, and it's been an encouragement for us to try to start our own family. We are trusting God's hand in all of this and know that His timing is perfect timing, but we're hoping that sometime this summer we'll get some good news about our family doing some of it's own growing and expanding!
 |
| Sharlot and I on Valentine's Day - one of my best friends up here! |
H passed the one-year mark for being in the Army back in March, and it's been a very interesting year for him. The unit that he originally got placed in has deployed, although he did not go with them. His particular company was kept behind on Rear Detachment (rear-d), and he's been temporarily moved from his original unit/company (an all-infantry unit) to a new unit/troop (a cavalry unit). While at first he wasn't excited about moving around like this, it's actually been a HUGE blessing in disguise. He's been able to move to a unit that is much better in terms of professionalism and training, and it's opened a lot of doors for him in terms of taking on leadership roles, going to training schools, and being taken seriously as a career soldier. He'll have the opportunity to go to the Soldier of the Month Board in a few weeks, which means he can (hopefully!) rank up sooner than anticipated. He's been able to prove himself a lot to his temporary commanding officers, even so much as to have them telling him that when his original unit returns from deployment, they want him to fill out paperwork to be permanently moved to their cavalry unit. He's really excited about that prospect, because in the cavalry unit he's got the ability to actually progress his career and get to where he wants to be a lot sooner. Praise God!
We also got to go to our first Military ball this spring, which was fantastic!
 |
| At the ball in March 2013 |
I've been able to start advertising and selling my cupcakes to friends up here, which has been amazing. It's like a pipe dream of mine is finally starting to come through, thanks to the support of H and his love of seeing my dreams come to fruition. It hasn't been anything crazy and big, but it's been enough to make me feel like I'm more than just a girl baking in her kitchen for free. (Yes, I'm about to shamelessly plug by business...but it's my blog, so I can do what I want! haha) Check out Lovebites Cupcakes :)
Riley kitten has grown a lot, and is officially the queen of our house. She's been so wonderful to have in our family, and it seems strange to think about our family before she was in it.
 |
| Baby Riley Kitten - not so little anymore! |
My goal is to actually update more than just every few months from now on. I know I've said it before, but with all the amazing things that are coming our way soon, I want to keep things updated more often. In theory, we'll use the blog to track the progress of trying to conceive and our pregnancy so there will be lots of updates from that! :) Hooray for blessings and change!
-M
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Don't Hold Back
I'm putting it all out there.
Went to the doctor yesterday. According to Guthrie Medical Clinic, I weigh 187 pounds with 37% body fat.
Disgusting.
My BMI is officially in the "obese" range (though thankfully at the low end, and I definitely don't feel obese, or even feel like I look obese).
I feel disgusted by myself for getting this bad. When H and I met 5 years ago, I weighed 50 pounds less and was much healthier/happier about my body. I know all about "happy relationship weight" but that doesn't make how I'm feeling ab out myself any better.
Ugh, why can't I seem to stick to eating Paleo lately? I've been eating smaller portions at work for breakfast and lunch, mainly because I'm eating what the kids eat in the kid-size portions, but when I get home all I want to do is graze and munch. I'm trying to get us back on track with meal planning, because that definitely helps to minimize my munching and my "I don't know what to make so lets just order something" meal cop-out. But it seems like just as I'm having a few really good days of being on track, something pops up and I'll eat something I regret and all of a sudden I've been off-track for like a week and I feel totally guilty.
I really need to get back to the gym, too. H is out on profile for a knee injury so he can't work out as normal, and I'm going to totally take advantage of it by making him become my Meaning McMeanerson Workout Coach and have him kick my butt at the gym. I just end up being so tired after work that I come home to relax before working out, which turns into never actually going to the gym. So H has promised to start meeting me at the gym right after work so there isn't even time for me to go home before working out. Hopefully that's going to help get my butt in gear!
I need to focus. I need to remember what my end goal is and that I've been there before so I can get back there again. I can do this.
-M
Went to the doctor yesterday. According to Guthrie Medical Clinic, I weigh 187 pounds with 37% body fat.
Disgusting.
My BMI is officially in the "obese" range (though thankfully at the low end, and I definitely don't feel obese, or even feel like I look obese).
I feel disgusted by myself for getting this bad. When H and I met 5 years ago, I weighed 50 pounds less and was much healthier/happier about my body. I know all about "happy relationship weight" but that doesn't make how I'm feeling ab out myself any better.
Ugh, why can't I seem to stick to eating Paleo lately? I've been eating smaller portions at work for breakfast and lunch, mainly because I'm eating what the kids eat in the kid-size portions, but when I get home all I want to do is graze and munch. I'm trying to get us back on track with meal planning, because that definitely helps to minimize my munching and my "I don't know what to make so lets just order something" meal cop-out. But it seems like just as I'm having a few really good days of being on track, something pops up and I'll eat something I regret and all of a sudden I've been off-track for like a week and I feel totally guilty.
I really need to get back to the gym, too. H is out on profile for a knee injury so he can't work out as normal, and I'm going to totally take advantage of it by making him become my Meaning McMeanerson Workout Coach and have him kick my butt at the gym. I just end up being so tired after work that I come home to relax before working out, which turns into never actually going to the gym. So H has promised to start meeting me at the gym right after work so there isn't even time for me to go home before working out. Hopefully that's going to help get my butt in gear!
I need to focus. I need to remember what my end goal is and that I've been there before so I can get back there again. I can do this.
-M
Saturday, September 22, 2012
A is for Apple, B is for Blessing
Ugh, it's the first day of Fall and it's too rainy to really go out and enjoy it! Our plans for today involved getting hot pumpkin/apple drinks, going apple-picking, and seeing the beautiful leaves and scenery up here as the colors change. Instead, we've spent the day inside in our comfy clothes trying to stay dry and warm (minus the short trip to the PX for wine and a few grocery items...you know, the necessities in life. And yes, we may have gone in our comfy clothes. But seriously, a world where it's not appropriate to wear yoga pants to the store on a rainy day is not a world I want to live in.) The upside is that there is a Dunkin' Donuts at the PX so I at least was able to have a hot apple cider...
On the bright side, since it's been a rainy day at home, I've had a chance to actually get stuff done. Our TV broke earlier this week, so we had to finally break down and buy a new one. H wasn't too upset about that, because it meant we could finally get a flat-panel TV that he's been dreaming of/drooling over for the past year. Thank goodness for clearance TVs and financing options, because otherwise we would have had to move the 19-inch console out of our bedroom and hope that you could see it from across the room on the couch! However, due to making room for a larger TV and stand, plus all the packaging materials, our livingroom was absolutely a mess, so today was the perfect opportunity to get the house cleaned up and do some laundry--oh the joys of being a housewife! :)
It's also given me a chance to start planning out some ideas for my new classroom. This past week, I was hired as the lead preschool classroom teacher at a local preschool & daycare, and I couldn't be more excited! I'll be taking over for the current lead teacher who is leaving next week. Yesterday was my first full-day in the classroom shadowing her, which I will also be doing next week until she leaves so I get the chance to get used to a typical day in the classroom. It's going to be an interesting transition from a Montessori to a public, non-Montessori setting, but I can see already that there are a lot of opportunities to introduce some Montessori ideals into the classroom that the kids would really benefit from. The classroom is already set up in centers and follows Creative Curriculum (which I haven't looked into too much yet), but I see a lot of ways to incorporate Montessori - there are already some Montessori-ish works and ideas in place, they just need focused and used properly. I've been talking about these ideas with the director and with my assistant teacher, and I'm excited about what's to come for my little ones! There's so much potential with a new classroom, and I just pray that I can get my assistant teacher on-board with some of these ideas (she has never seen a Montessori classroom and doesn't really know what it is, so I'm hoping that she'll be open to learning and trying it).
God's abundant blessings just keep coming our way, and I feel so blessed to have a Savior who cares so much for us and who takes care of us! Even when I'm worried about what's going to happen and when it's going to happen, I have the comfort of knowing that His timing is perfect and that He will provide!
-M
On the bright side, since it's been a rainy day at home, I've had a chance to actually get stuff done. Our TV broke earlier this week, so we had to finally break down and buy a new one. H wasn't too upset about that, because it meant we could finally get a flat-panel TV that he's been dreaming of/drooling over for the past year. Thank goodness for clearance TVs and financing options, because otherwise we would have had to move the 19-inch console out of our bedroom and hope that you could see it from across the room on the couch! However, due to making room for a larger TV and stand, plus all the packaging materials, our livingroom was absolutely a mess, so today was the perfect opportunity to get the house cleaned up and do some laundry--oh the joys of being a housewife! :)
It's also given me a chance to start planning out some ideas for my new classroom. This past week, I was hired as the lead preschool classroom teacher at a local preschool & daycare, and I couldn't be more excited! I'll be taking over for the current lead teacher who is leaving next week. Yesterday was my first full-day in the classroom shadowing her, which I will also be doing next week until she leaves so I get the chance to get used to a typical day in the classroom. It's going to be an interesting transition from a Montessori to a public, non-Montessori setting, but I can see already that there are a lot of opportunities to introduce some Montessori ideals into the classroom that the kids would really benefit from. The classroom is already set up in centers and follows Creative Curriculum (which I haven't looked into too much yet), but I see a lot of ways to incorporate Montessori - there are already some Montessori-ish works and ideas in place, they just need focused and used properly. I've been talking about these ideas with the director and with my assistant teacher, and I'm excited about what's to come for my little ones! There's so much potential with a new classroom, and I just pray that I can get my assistant teacher on-board with some of these ideas (she has never seen a Montessori classroom and doesn't really know what it is, so I'm hoping that she'll be open to learning and trying it).
God's abundant blessings just keep coming our way, and I feel so blessed to have a Savior who cares so much for us and who takes care of us! Even when I'm worried about what's going to happen and when it's going to happen, I have the comfort of knowing that His timing is perfect and that He will provide!
-M
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Back at it
Hello.
Remember when I used to blog all the time? Yeah...me too.
Things have been very chaotic around here, which I'll get to, but it almost felt like there wasn't anything to blog about even though there has been so much going on. I don't know, I guess because I feel like this is all becoming a normal part of our life as an Army family, it wasn't interesting enough to actually write about. But after seeing a dear friend of mine pick back up on her blogging, and how maybe if I do the same I'll be able to stick to some things that I need to work on the way she is. So thanks, Katie, for inspiring me to get back to blogging and back to refocusing on my lifestyle goals!
Alright, so let's update!
May: My best friend Krista moved in with me so I wasn't completely alone while H was gone. It was good to have her there, and to know that when I was having a lonely day that she was there to help me get through it. We celebrated my 26th birthday (26! I'm officially closer to 30 than 20...gross) and our best friend Abbie's 21st. H also got a 36-hour pass at the end of the month, so we got to Facetime and actually see each other for the first time since he left.
June: I finished out the school year at the Montessori school, which was exciting but very, very sad. It meant that I was that much closer to being reunited with H but saying goodbye to the kids and the staff that I had grown so close to was extremely hard for me. June also held a visit from my brother, a friend's wedding, and 2 solid weeks of shenanigans with my besties before having to move out of BG.
July: July 1st I moved out of BG for the first time in 7 years, which was truly the end of an era. But moving back to my parents' house was going to be good, financially and emotionally, before I had to move to whatever base the Army would be sending us. Mid-way through July was H's OSUT graduation, too! My parents and I took a week-long trip to Ft. Benning, GA to watch H graduate and get his infantryman cord. I could not have been more proud of him! Georgia was beautiful, and I even had a chance to stop by my sorority's headquarters and get a private, after-hours tour of the building. July also gave me one last chance to head back to BG to spend a night out on the town with my best friends. And of course, July was the Olympics, which Krista and I made sure to celebrate appropriately (aka wearing our goggles and gold medals while cheering on Team USA together!)
July also brought a major change in our plans. Due to some ridiculously complicated Army mumbo-jumbo (for lack of an easier/better way to explain it haha) H's contract got changed at the last minute. For him, this meant taking a detour from his original plan/dream and for me, it meant having the opportunity to move to a base with H a lot sooner than anticipated. While I was sad that H's plans had to take this detour, it was hard not to be just a little happy to be reunited with H sooner than we'd originally though, especially after spending the past 5 months apart.
August: August brought "the move," which meant that it also brought a wonderful going away party where I got to see old and far-away friends before moving to our newest destination - Fort Drum, New York. Don't know where that is? Get a map of New York. Next, locate Syracuse. Okay, now go straight north of Syracuse and put your finger on the Canadian border. Got it? Depending on the size of your map, your finger may already be covering Fort Drum. Yes, that's just how north we really are. But it's beautiful here, and living on post has been great so far. Check back with me in about a month when it starts snowing and I may have a different answer for you... :)
So now we're into September, and things have settled down a bit. H's battalion has been out of state doing some training, but because they left around the time that I moved up here, he didn't have to go because he was on leave. While he's waiting for them to get back, he's been training for his Expert Infantryman Badge and keeping busy on Rear Detachment (hehehe that makes me giggle every time I say it!), but I think he's ready to have his battalion and his friends back soon. I've been keeping busy setting up our new house, getting involved on post through church, and taking care of our new furbaby, Riley. I've also started working a part-time job in retail, but praying daily for God to open up a teaching position for me. I have a second interview at a preschool on Tuesday morning, so hopefully this is the door that God is opening for me!
Faith has been extremely important through all of this. Faith that God would help us get through the separation, faith for what was going on with H's contract, faith while waiting for housing to open up in a timely matter for us (we only had to wait 1 week after I moved here before our house was ready--praise God!), faith that I would find a job, faith that he would help us find a perfect home church up here, and so much more! He has truly taken care of us in so many ways and provided for us when things were tight and scary. He is so good, and we continue to look to Him for strength, guidance, and help as we are adjusting to our new life.
With a new home, a new location, and a new plan for our lives comes a need for a new (or I guess renewed) drive for getting back to my healthy lifestyle again. I'm an emotional eater, and that's nothing new. So while H was gone and I had a lot of emotion running around, it was really hard to stay focused on eating well and working out, which lead to a jump in my weight that I'm not happy about or proud of. I mean, it's nothing major but it's enough that I notice it and don't like it. Now that we're settled, I'm hoping we can get refocused on being back to pretty strict Paleo and getting back into the gym at least 4-5 times a week. It's what we both need and I have got to stop feeling so down on myself all the time about my looks and weight. So hopefully by being back into the blogging world, I can keep better track of my goals and where I'm at in reaching them. I won't give up, because I know how much I need this right now.
So that's our life. Over the past 4 months, I've lived in 4 different places (if you include living at the hotel while we waited for our house to open up), I've reunited with H, we've adopted a kitten, and I've started a new job with the prospects of getting back into the classroom. I've learned to trust God for so much and be patient for His timing. And I've officially stepped into the role of Army wife.
I couldn't love life more right now!
Remember when I used to blog all the time? Yeah...me too.
Things have been very chaotic around here, which I'll get to, but it almost felt like there wasn't anything to blog about even though there has been so much going on. I don't know, I guess because I feel like this is all becoming a normal part of our life as an Army family, it wasn't interesting enough to actually write about. But after seeing a dear friend of mine pick back up on her blogging, and how maybe if I do the same I'll be able to stick to some things that I need to work on the way she is. So thanks, Katie, for inspiring me to get back to blogging and back to refocusing on my lifestyle goals!
Alright, so let's update!
May: My best friend Krista moved in with me so I wasn't completely alone while H was gone. It was good to have her there, and to know that when I was having a lonely day that she was there to help me get through it. We celebrated my 26th birthday (26! I'm officially closer to 30 than 20...gross) and our best friend Abbie's 21st. H also got a 36-hour pass at the end of the month, so we got to Facetime and actually see each other for the first time since he left.
June: I finished out the school year at the Montessori school, which was exciting but very, very sad. It meant that I was that much closer to being reunited with H but saying goodbye to the kids and the staff that I had grown so close to was extremely hard for me. June also held a visit from my brother, a friend's wedding, and 2 solid weeks of shenanigans with my besties before having to move out of BG.
July: July 1st I moved out of BG for the first time in 7 years, which was truly the end of an era. But moving back to my parents' house was going to be good, financially and emotionally, before I had to move to whatever base the Army would be sending us. Mid-way through July was H's OSUT graduation, too! My parents and I took a week-long trip to Ft. Benning, GA to watch H graduate and get his infantryman cord. I could not have been more proud of him! Georgia was beautiful, and I even had a chance to stop by my sorority's headquarters and get a private, after-hours tour of the building. July also gave me one last chance to head back to BG to spend a night out on the town with my best friends. And of course, July was the Olympics, which Krista and I made sure to celebrate appropriately (aka wearing our goggles and gold medals while cheering on Team USA together!)
July also brought a major change in our plans. Due to some ridiculously complicated Army mumbo-jumbo (for lack of an easier/better way to explain it haha) H's contract got changed at the last minute. For him, this meant taking a detour from his original plan/dream and for me, it meant having the opportunity to move to a base with H a lot sooner than anticipated. While I was sad that H's plans had to take this detour, it was hard not to be just a little happy to be reunited with H sooner than we'd originally though, especially after spending the past 5 months apart.
August: August brought "the move," which meant that it also brought a wonderful going away party where I got to see old and far-away friends before moving to our newest destination - Fort Drum, New York. Don't know where that is? Get a map of New York. Next, locate Syracuse. Okay, now go straight north of Syracuse and put your finger on the Canadian border. Got it? Depending on the size of your map, your finger may already be covering Fort Drum. Yes, that's just how north we really are. But it's beautiful here, and living on post has been great so far. Check back with me in about a month when it starts snowing and I may have a different answer for you... :)
So now we're into September, and things have settled down a bit. H's battalion has been out of state doing some training, but because they left around the time that I moved up here, he didn't have to go because he was on leave. While he's waiting for them to get back, he's been training for his Expert Infantryman Badge and keeping busy on Rear Detachment (hehehe that makes me giggle every time I say it!), but I think he's ready to have his battalion and his friends back soon. I've been keeping busy setting up our new house, getting involved on post through church, and taking care of our new furbaby, Riley. I've also started working a part-time job in retail, but praying daily for God to open up a teaching position for me. I have a second interview at a preschool on Tuesday morning, so hopefully this is the door that God is opening for me!
Faith has been extremely important through all of this. Faith that God would help us get through the separation, faith for what was going on with H's contract, faith while waiting for housing to open up in a timely matter for us (we only had to wait 1 week after I moved here before our house was ready--praise God!), faith that I would find a job, faith that he would help us find a perfect home church up here, and so much more! He has truly taken care of us in so many ways and provided for us when things were tight and scary. He is so good, and we continue to look to Him for strength, guidance, and help as we are adjusting to our new life.
With a new home, a new location, and a new plan for our lives comes a need for a new (or I guess renewed) drive for getting back to my healthy lifestyle again. I'm an emotional eater, and that's nothing new. So while H was gone and I had a lot of emotion running around, it was really hard to stay focused on eating well and working out, which lead to a jump in my weight that I'm not happy about or proud of. I mean, it's nothing major but it's enough that I notice it and don't like it. Now that we're settled, I'm hoping we can get refocused on being back to pretty strict Paleo and getting back into the gym at least 4-5 times a week. It's what we both need and I have got to stop feeling so down on myself all the time about my looks and weight. So hopefully by being back into the blogging world, I can keep better track of my goals and where I'm at in reaching them. I won't give up, because I know how much I need this right now.
So that's our life. Over the past 4 months, I've lived in 4 different places (if you include living at the hotel while we waited for our house to open up), I've reunited with H, we've adopted a kitten, and I've started a new job with the prospects of getting back into the classroom. I've learned to trust God for so much and be patient for His timing. And I've officially stepped into the role of Army wife.
I couldn't love life more right now!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Whole30 Days 1 & 2
It's really hard to blog, mainly because that was something H encouraged me to do while he was here. It was like one of "those things" that we had together, and now that he's gone it's hard to make myself keep going with it. It's the reason I don't craft anymore, the reason I can't bring myself to play our old video games, and why I haven't been baking. I just don't feel like doing these things without my husband here, so I've just been ignoring them.
I'm trying to force myself to get back to blogging, because being an Army wife doesn't mean that I have to stop everything just because he's gone. In fact, if anything, that's the time I need to keep doing it in order to keep life as normal as possible. The separation sucks, by the way, but I'm dealing with it. I have an amazing support system that keeps me going, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the sleeps until we're back together again at his graduation. I know that God's plan is being fulfilled, so I'm trying to stay patient and remember that this time apart is all part of His plan. But some days, it really sucks... :)
So I'm trying to get back on track with the Whole30 program. H sent me pics of him, and he's lost so much weight and trimmed up so much! I don't want him to be disappointed that I'm not losing as much as he has (although his workout plan is way more intense than mine is haha!) so I'm trying to get back on track. I'm going to try to blog it more, too, because hopefully that will keep me focused, too.
Day 1
-Breakfast: egg mcmuffin without the muffin
-Lunch: taco salad with s.cream and jalapenos
-Dinner: crockpot ribs from PaleoPot and corn on the cob
Day 2
-Breakfast: scrambled eggs with bacon
-Lunch: bunless burger, corn on the cob, and fresh veggies
-Dinner: leftover ribs and salad (tentatively, since it's only 3:15pm right now)
So far so good--even though it's only been 2 days. I'd really like to add running, but I'm having a hard time getting my butt in gear. I think I'm just going to have to force myself to hit the gym. I wish I had more determination, easier access to a Crossfit gym, and someone to do it with, but I guess for now I'll have to suck it up and work with my circumstances...
xoxo, M
I'm trying to force myself to get back to blogging, because being an Army wife doesn't mean that I have to stop everything just because he's gone. In fact, if anything, that's the time I need to keep doing it in order to keep life as normal as possible. The separation sucks, by the way, but I'm dealing with it. I have an amazing support system that keeps me going, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the sleeps until we're back together again at his graduation. I know that God's plan is being fulfilled, so I'm trying to stay patient and remember that this time apart is all part of His plan. But some days, it really sucks... :)
So I'm trying to get back on track with the Whole30 program. H sent me pics of him, and he's lost so much weight and trimmed up so much! I don't want him to be disappointed that I'm not losing as much as he has (although his workout plan is way more intense than mine is haha!) so I'm trying to get back on track. I'm going to try to blog it more, too, because hopefully that will keep me focused, too.
Day 1
-Breakfast: egg mcmuffin without the muffin
-Lunch: taco salad with s.cream and jalapenos
-Dinner: crockpot ribs from PaleoPot and corn on the cob
Day 2
-Breakfast: scrambled eggs with bacon
-Lunch: bunless burger, corn on the cob, and fresh veggies
-Dinner: leftover ribs and salad (tentatively, since it's only 3:15pm right now)
So far so good--even though it's only been 2 days. I'd really like to add running, but I'm having a hard time getting my butt in gear. I think I'm just going to have to force myself to hit the gym. I wish I had more determination, easier access to a Crossfit gym, and someone to do it with, but I guess for now I'll have to suck it up and work with my circumstances...
xoxo, M
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Back to "normal"
It's really strange to go back to "normal" now that H is gone. It's like I feel like so much has changed because of H leaving that it seems weird to try and go back to normal--how can things be normal when the most "normal" part of my world and my routine is gone? Side note: H is probably the furthest from "normal" I've ever met, but our abnormalness together creates our own version of normalcy. Yeah, we're strange like that...
Going back to work today was nice. It got me out of the house for the day, which is good because it means I'm not sitting around stewing in my own thoughts. It was also really great to get back because I missed my coworkers and my kiddos a lot. You don't realize how much joy these kids bring you until you need some cheering up--a 3-year-olds hug never fails to put a smile on my face! But it was so strange to go back to work and go back to my normal routine when I still feel like everything has changed.
In reality, life is pretty much the same, minus the fact that my other half is a 16-hour drive away getting yelled at by drill sergeants. Work is still work, my daily routine is still pretty much the same (minus seeing H, adding the gym), and my attitude about life in general hasn't changed (although my faith and relationship with God is becoming stronger, which generally makes life a little better). But some part of me feels strange trying to go back to normal without him here....
Weird.
xoxo, M
Going back to work today was nice. It got me out of the house for the day, which is good because it means I'm not sitting around stewing in my own thoughts. It was also really great to get back because I missed my coworkers and my kiddos a lot. You don't realize how much joy these kids bring you until you need some cheering up--a 3-year-olds hug never fails to put a smile on my face! But it was so strange to go back to work and go back to my normal routine when I still feel like everything has changed.
In reality, life is pretty much the same, minus the fact that my other half is a 16-hour drive away getting yelled at by drill sergeants. Work is still work, my daily routine is still pretty much the same (minus seeing H, adding the gym), and my attitude about life in general hasn't changed (although my faith and relationship with God is becoming stronger, which generally makes life a little better). But some part of me feels strange trying to go back to normal without him here....
Weird.
xoxo, M
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Excited for him, sad for me
It all seems very surreal that he's actually gone. I don't know what's harder--the build-up to dropping him off at the recruiters, or being alone now that he's gone. I'm still waiting for him to come walking through the door, or come out of the computer room, and nothing will have changed. But some part of me knows that won't happen; some part of me knows that this is really happening and that our life in the Army has finally, actually begun.
I'm sad. At least, I guess that's what I'm feeling. Sometimes I think "sad" doesn't accurately describe it, but that's the closest I can come to finding the right word. It feels like part of my heart is missing, which I suppose it is--it's located down in Georgia. The house feels a lot bigger now that he's not here with me, and what's left of my heart feels heavy.
At the same time, I am beyond excited for him. This is his dream job; it's what he's wanted to do since he was little and he's spent his life learning about it, talking to soldiers, and preparing for this new adventure of ours. That's how we're looking at it--as an "adventure" instead of "a period of separation." I truly believe he was meant to be a soldier, and that his heart and his mind are in the right place for this, so how could I not be excited for him? I'm so unbelievably proud of him and I can't wait to hear the stories in his letters of what he's going through and experiencing because I know that this is exactly what he wants to do and where he wants to be. I'm so excited for him, even if I'm sad for me.
I won't let my sadness overpower me, or shadow my excitement for him. I have a nice, long list of things I want to do while he's gone (which may or may not include purging his closet of certain clothes...), and I have some of the most supportive and loving friends and family to keep me busy. It'll be nice to get back to work tomorrow and get back into the routine of things, too, although I am glad I took a couple days off to settle into things around here. I have good books to read, craft projects to work on, a lizard cage to finish building, adventures to go on with my girlfriends, and an entire summer to spend with my family before PCS orders come in. I know that I'm going to get through this and come out the other side with a smile on my face, so much love for my husband in my heart, and about 40 pounds missing from my body (oh yeah, I've got some weight loss plans for this time apart!)
I don't know what he's doing today; probably in-processing stuff at reception, maybe getting his uniform and a nice haircut/shave, and making new friends with his drill sergeants! ;) But I know that he could use prayers for strength, endurance, and success while he's going through all of his training, so feel free to send some his way. And I'm so thankful for all the support and love that our friends and family have shown us the past few days---I can't imagine trying to go through this without all of that love and support!
I am so proud of my husband, for his choices for our families future, and for his passion to serve and protect his country, and I am unbelievably excited to see him succeed in this new adventure of ours!
I'm sad. At least, I guess that's what I'm feeling. Sometimes I think "sad" doesn't accurately describe it, but that's the closest I can come to finding the right word. It feels like part of my heart is missing, which I suppose it is--it's located down in Georgia. The house feels a lot bigger now that he's not here with me, and what's left of my heart feels heavy.
At the same time, I am beyond excited for him. This is his dream job; it's what he's wanted to do since he was little and he's spent his life learning about it, talking to soldiers, and preparing for this new adventure of ours. That's how we're looking at it--as an "adventure" instead of "a period of separation." I truly believe he was meant to be a soldier, and that his heart and his mind are in the right place for this, so how could I not be excited for him? I'm so unbelievably proud of him and I can't wait to hear the stories in his letters of what he's going through and experiencing because I know that this is exactly what he wants to do and where he wants to be. I'm so excited for him, even if I'm sad for me.
I won't let my sadness overpower me, or shadow my excitement for him. I have a nice, long list of things I want to do while he's gone (which may or may not include purging his closet of certain clothes...), and I have some of the most supportive and loving friends and family to keep me busy. It'll be nice to get back to work tomorrow and get back into the routine of things, too, although I am glad I took a couple days off to settle into things around here. I have good books to read, craft projects to work on, a lizard cage to finish building, adventures to go on with my girlfriends, and an entire summer to spend with my family before PCS orders come in. I know that I'm going to get through this and come out the other side with a smile on my face, so much love for my husband in my heart, and about 40 pounds missing from my body (oh yeah, I've got some weight loss plans for this time apart!)
I don't know what he's doing today; probably in-processing stuff at reception, maybe getting his uniform and a nice haircut/shave, and making new friends with his drill sergeants! ;) But I know that he could use prayers for strength, endurance, and success while he's going through all of his training, so feel free to send some his way. And I'm so thankful for all the support and love that our friends and family have shown us the past few days---I can't imagine trying to go through this without all of that love and support!
I am so proud of my husband, for his choices for our families future, and for his passion to serve and protect his country, and I am unbelievably excited to see him succeed in this new adventure of ours!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)