Lent Lessons

I've spent the past 40 days off of Facebook for personal use as my sacrifice for Lent.
Disclaimer: I totally used it for Tastefully Simple stuff and PWOC Bible study stuff.  God and I worked it out.  No biggie.

The idea was that I was giving up something that I rely on and waste a lot of time on to show God that I don't need it because He is all I need.  Because, really, do I need Facebook in my life?  Not really.  I mean, sure there are times where it's convenient to have, especially now that we've become a society where everything is shared, announced, and updated in milliseconds on the social network.  But by giving up Facebook and worshiping God by showing Him that He is more important than Facebook, He showed me a lot of things and opened a lot of new doors.

I spent the beginning of Lent hanging out with my sister and her fiance who came up to visit.  Instead of sitting on the couch on my phone/laptop checking Facebook, I actually interacted with Mindy and Clay and enjoyed all of our time together, present in the moment.  We cooked dinner together, had sister time, game night, and just truly enjoyed being together for the long weekend.  For the first time in a while, I actually felt like I was present in the moment instead of distracted by my phone.

I also got to spend a weekend with my beautiful sisters in Christ in Washington DC at the Global Prayer Gathering for the International Justice Mission.  I spent 3 days deep in God' presence as He opened my eyes and my heart to injustice going on all over the world.  From forced labor to sex slavery, so many of God's children are stuck in the dark, and it was incredible to be surrounded by 1200 other believers lifting up these mission workers and enslaved people together in His name.  God called me to get out of my comfort zone and showed me some areas of my life He's calling to, but that's for another blog post.  He also answered a long-standing prayer for more Godly women to build friendships with, which was amazing.

I had the opportunity to reunite with two of my absolute best friends from Ohio during this 40 days, and to just enjoy being together for the first time in almost 2 years!  We laughed, we reminisced, we ate junk food, and we enjoyed every minute of our time together.  It gave me a chance to show them around Drum and Syracuse, to introduce them to some of my Army family up here, and to finally share this chapter of my life with them.  I absolutely loved having them here, and was so sad when they had to leave, but it was such a blessing that God worked out that they could be up here for almost 5 whole days with me!

God also opened a new door in terms of a job for the summer.  I've been praying and very worried about what I would do when the school year ended and I couldn't sub anymore.  With graduation coming in August and my loans coming out of deferment, I knew I needed something and I just kept praying that God would provide.  Boy did He ever!  A friend in PWOC introduced me to one of her wonderful neighbors and her 4-year-old son.  She was in desperate need of full-time childcare for her son in their house, and after a 2-hour interview we realized that so many of our thoughts on children and development are on the same page.  I start at the end of this month spending Monday through Friday with this sweet little boy who just needs some boundaries and love, and God has truly come through more than I could have ever hoped in terms of providing for our finances. 

Lent also saw the end of another grad school semester, the completion (and passing) of my Master's thesis paper, and some more weight loss - woo hoo!

But the best part about Lent this year?   That I have developed a deeper and strengthened relationship with God.  As we're into Easter weekend at this point, the sacrifice and love that Christ showed to all of us has never been more apparent to me, and I'm so thankful for His grace and mercies, which I don't deserve but which are always enough!

So happy Easter to you and your family.  May you spend tomorrow surrounded with people you love, celebrating God's love however you see fit.  No matter what you do, though, don't forget to take a moment to sit in peace, surrounded by His presence, and thank Him for His undeserved but immeasurable love.

He is risen!

Don't Hold Back

I'm putting it all out there.

Went to the doctor yesterday.  According to Guthrie Medical Clinic, I weigh 187 pounds with 37% body fat.

Disgusting.

My BMI is officially in the "obese" range (though thankfully at the low end, and I definitely don't feel obese, or even feel like I look obese).

I feel disgusted by myself for getting this bad.  When H and I met 5 years ago, I weighed 50 pounds less and was much healthier/happier about my body.  I know all about "happy relationship weight" but that doesn't make how I'm feeling ab out myself any better.

Ugh, why can't I seem to stick to eating Paleo lately? I've been eating smaller portions at work for breakfast and lunch, mainly because I'm eating what the kids eat in the kid-size portions, but when I get home all I want to do is graze and munch.  I'm trying to get us back on track with meal planning, because that definitely helps to minimize my munching and my "I don't know what to make so lets just order something" meal cop-out.  But it seems like just as I'm having a few really good days of being on track, something pops up and I'll eat something I regret and all of a sudden I've been off-track for like a week and I feel totally guilty. 

I really need to get back to the gym, too.  H is out on profile for a knee injury so he can't work out as normal, and I'm going to totally take advantage of it by making him become my Meaning McMeanerson Workout Coach and have him kick my butt at the gym.  I just end up being so tired after work that I come home to relax before working out, which turns into never actually going to the gym.  So H has promised to start meeting me at the gym right after work so there isn't even time for me to go home before working out.  Hopefully that's going to help get my butt in gear!

I need to focus.  I need to remember what my end goal is and that I've been there before so I can get back there again.  I can do this.

-M

Back at it

Hello.

Remember when I used to blog all the time?  Yeah...me too.

Things have been very chaotic around here, which I'll get to, but it almost felt like there wasn't anything to blog about even though there has been so much going on.  I don't know, I guess because I feel like this is all becoming a normal part of our life as an Army family, it wasn't interesting enough to actually write about.  But after seeing a dear friend of mine pick back up on her blogging, and how maybe if I do the same I'll be able to stick to some things that I need to work on the way she is.  So thanks, Katie, for inspiring me to get back to blogging and back to refocusing on my lifestyle goals!

Alright, so let's update!
May: My best friend Krista moved in with me so I wasn't completely alone while H was gone.  It was good to have her there, and to know that when I was having a lonely day that she was there to help me get through it.  We celebrated my 26th birthday (26! I'm officially closer to 30 than 20...gross) and our best friend Abbie's 21st.  H also got a 36-hour pass at the end of the month, so we got to Facetime and actually see each other for the first time since he left.

June:  I finished out the school year at the Montessori school, which was exciting but very, very sad.  It meant that I was that much closer to being reunited with H but saying goodbye to the kids and the staff that I had grown so close to was extremely hard for me.  June also held a visit from my brother, a friend's wedding, and 2 solid weeks of shenanigans with my besties before having to move out of BG.

July: July 1st I moved out of BG for the first time in 7 years, which was truly the end of an era.  But moving back to my parents' house was going to be good, financially and emotionally, before I had to move to whatever base the Army would be sending us.  Mid-way through July was H's OSUT graduation, too!  My parents and I took a week-long trip to Ft. Benning, GA to watch H graduate and get his infantryman cord.  I could not have been more proud of him!  Georgia was beautiful, and I even had a chance to stop by my sorority's headquarters and get a  private, after-hours tour of the building.  July also gave me one last chance to head back to BG to spend a night out on the town with my best friends.  And of course, July was the Olympics, which Krista and I made sure to celebrate appropriately (aka wearing our goggles and gold medals while cheering on Team USA together!)

July also brought a major change in our plans.  Due to some ridiculously complicated Army mumbo-jumbo (for lack of an easier/better way to explain it haha) H's contract got changed at the last minute.  For him, this meant taking a detour from his original plan/dream and for me, it meant having the opportunity to move to a base with H a lot sooner than anticipated.  While I was sad that H's plans had to take this detour, it was hard not to be just a little happy to be reunited with H sooner than we'd originally though, especially after spending the past 5 months apart.

August:  August brought "the move," which meant that it also brought a wonderful going away party where I got to see old and far-away friends before moving to our newest destination - Fort Drum, New York.  Don't know where that is?  Get a map of New York.  Next, locate Syracuse.  Okay, now go straight north of Syracuse and put your finger on the Canadian border.  Got it?  Depending on the size of your map, your finger may already be covering Fort Drum.  Yes, that's just how north we really are.  But it's beautiful here, and living on post has been great so far.  Check back with me in about a month when it starts snowing and I may have a different answer for you... :)

So now we're into September, and things have settled down a bit.  H's battalion has been out of state doing some training, but because they left around the time that I moved up here, he didn't have to go because he was on leave.  While he's waiting for them to get back, he's been training for his Expert Infantryman Badge and keeping busy on Rear Detachment (hehehe that makes me giggle every time I say it!), but I think he's ready to have his battalion and his friends back soon.  I've been keeping busy setting up our new house, getting involved on post through church, and taking care of our new furbaby, Riley.  I've also started working a part-time job in retail, but praying daily for God to open up a teaching position for me.  I have a second interview at a preschool on Tuesday morning, so hopefully this is the door that God is opening for me!

Faith has been extremely important through all of this.  Faith that God would help us get through the separation, faith for what was going on with H's contract, faith while waiting for housing to open up in a timely matter for us (we only had to wait 1 week after I moved here before our house was ready--praise God!), faith that I would find a job, faith that he would help us find a perfect home church up here, and so much more!  He has truly taken care of us in so many ways and provided for us when things were tight and scary.  He is so good, and we continue to look to Him for strength, guidance, and help as we are adjusting to our new life.

With a new home, a new location, and a new plan for our lives comes a need for a new (or I guess renewed) drive for getting back to my healthy lifestyle again.  I'm an emotional eater, and that's nothing new.  So while H was gone and I had a lot of emotion running around, it was really hard to stay focused on eating well and working out, which lead to a jump in my weight that I'm not happy about or proud of.  I mean, it's nothing major but it's enough that I notice it and don't like it.  Now that we're settled, I'm hoping we can get refocused on being back to pretty strict Paleo and getting back into the gym at least 4-5 times a week.  It's what we both need and I have got to stop feeling so down on myself all the time about my looks and weight.  So hopefully by being back into the blogging world, I can keep better track of my goals and where I'm at in reaching them.  I won't give up, because I know how much I need this right now.

So that's our life.  Over the past 4 months, I've lived in 4 different places (if you include living at the hotel while we waited for our house to open up), I've reunited with H, we've adopted a kitten, and I've started a new job with the prospects of getting back into the classroom.  I've learned to trust God for so much and be patient for His timing.  And I've officially stepped into the role of Army wife.

I couldn't love life more right now!

Whole30 Days 1 & 2

It's really hard to blog, mainly because that was something H encouraged me to do while he was here.  It was like one of "those things" that we had together, and now that he's gone it's hard to make myself keep going with it.  It's the reason I don't craft anymore, the reason I can't bring myself to play our old video games, and why I haven't been baking.  I just don't feel like doing these things without my husband here, so I've just been ignoring them. 

I'm trying to force myself to get back to blogging, because being an Army wife doesn't mean that I have to stop everything just because he's gone.  In fact, if anything, that's the time I need to keep doing it in order to keep life as normal as possible.  The separation sucks, by the way, but I'm dealing with it.  I have an amazing support system that keeps me going, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the sleeps until we're back together again at his graduation.  I know that God's plan is being fulfilled, so I'm trying to stay patient and remember that this time apart is all part of His plan.  But some days, it really sucks... :)

So I'm trying to get back on track with the Whole30 program.  H sent me pics of him, and he's lost so much weight and trimmed up so much!  I don't want him to be disappointed that I'm not losing as much as he has (although his workout plan is way more intense than mine is haha!) so I'm trying to get back on track.  I'm going to try to blog it more, too, because hopefully that will keep me focused, too.

Day 1
-Breakfast: egg mcmuffin without the muffin
-Lunch: taco salad with s.cream and jalapenos
-Dinner: crockpot ribs from PaleoPot and corn on the cob

Day 2
-Breakfast: scrambled eggs with bacon
-Lunch: bunless burger, corn on the cob, and fresh veggies
-Dinner: leftover ribs and salad (tentatively, since it's only 3:15pm right now)

So far so good--even though it's only been 2 days.  I'd really like to add running, but I'm having a hard time getting my butt in gear.  I think I'm just going to have to force myself to hit the gym.  I wish I had more determination, easier access to a Crossfit gym, and someone to do it with, but I guess for now I'll have to suck it up and work with my circumstances...

xoxo, M

Numbers Game

Feeling slightly discouraged tonight.  I don't know if it's the January blues, or that I've had some startling numbers thrown my way lately, but it's not a very fun feeling.  I know I'll get through it because I have an amazing support system of my husband, my friends, my family, and God, but the more I think about these numbers, the more discouraged I get.

36.5 = my body fat percentage (gross.)

29 = my body mass index (one step short of obese, although if you've seen me you wouldn't EVER think that!)

75 = number of days until H leaves for the Army

5 = the average number of hours I sleep every night because I can't seem to stay asleep

16 = the number of consecutive days I've had an eye twitch brought on my stress

Okay.
So these numbers aren't great.
I know that the first 2 and the last 2 can improve.  But that third number really gets me.  After having my husband by my side for the past 4 years (minus a few bumps in the road) while we were dating, and after having lived with him in our tiny apartment for the past year and a half, it's going to be hard to be here alone, knowing that he's not coming home anytime soon and not knowing when the next time I'll hear from him will be.

Times when 75 seems like a big number:
-When you need to lose 75 pounds (thankfully I only need to lose 50!)
-When it's the number of envelopes you need to lick, address, and stamp before the mail comes in the afternoon
-When it's the number of minutes you have to sit with your crazy Aunt Ida who can't seem to stop asking about when you're going to find a man/get married/have a baby/have a steady job/move out on your own.

Times when 75 seems like a small number:
-When it's your paycheck after 2 weeks of work
-When it's the number of people who RSVP'd to your wedding (you'd invited 200...)
-When it's the number of days until you live alone and don't speak to your husband on a daily/hourly basis and you miss him in amounts larger than you ever thought possible.


Repeat after me...
I can do this.
I can do this.
Thank goodness for my momma, God, and moosetracks ice cream to get me through this... oops.  That last thing is probably why I have the first 2 numbers on my list...

xoxo, Melissa

Soon Enough

I'm on a list-making/calendar-filling kick right now.

Let me explain. I'm overly organized by most people's standards. I have small notebooks for different things (Army info, wedding stuff, bills and budget, etc.). We have a dry erase monthly calendar hanging on the front door with weekly/month to-do lists. We have a dry erase board on the fridge for miscellaneous information that we need to share/remember. I have a food planner/weekly calendar for meals on the fridge. I have a planner that is color-coordinated that I swear if ever got lost would cause me coronary arrest. And I can't live without post-it notes and lists.
Obsessive about staying organized? Probably.
But I'll tell you this---it's been extremely useful in making sure things don't fall apart around here.

It's the beginning of a new year, so it only makes sense for me to start some lists and open my new 2012 planner. I didn't go overboard with them, don't worry. But there are a lot of things that need to get done and a lot of events that are coming up that I need to stay organized for. Don't judge me---list-making and calendar-filling make me feel better. Seriously, stop judging...okaythanks. :)

It's come to my attention that H leaves in just under 3 months. Wow...that's really stinkin' close. So today I started my "Pre-Ship Honey-Do List" and began thinking of all the things I need him to do, to show me, and to prepare before he leaves. This, of course, led me to a small crying meltdown. No big deal, but I get the feeling this are going to be happening more often as March 26 gets closer. That led me to realize that I have less than 3 months to drop 30 pounds. I want to be as close to my goal weight as possible before he leaves (because who wants to remember a fatty wife all through basic?! haha just kidding...no but seriously...) and I can lose 30 healthily, even though I'll still be about 20 pounds from my actual goal weight. Yes, that means I have 50 pounds to lose.

This led me to list number 2: my "no holds barred, must lose weight" list. This list is a little simpler, and includes the following: the only foods that are Paleo-friendly that we're allowing in this house and the CrossFit exercise plan I will be following. Surprisingly, this list I'm really excited about. We got 2 really amazing Paleo cookbooks for Christmas (Paleo Comfort Foods  and The Primal Blueprint Cookbook) and with my great new weekly food planning/grocery list calendar, we're able to plan out some tasty new Paleo meals.  Today, I made Paleo biscuits and gravy, and it was probably as close to Bob Evans as I can possibly get.  Delicious! :)

List number 2 makes me happy: Thursday can't come soon enough so I can get back into the gym and do some CrossFit again.  My body has never been happier than when I was CrossFitting/lifting on a regular basis and when I was eating Paleo 90% of the time.

List number 1 makes me sad:  March 26 is going to be here too soon, and then I will have to say goodbye to my best friend for about 8 months---7 of which will be during our first year of marriage (no bueno).  I'm beyond happy to see him finally start his career and for this chapter of our life to begin, but I'm not happy to see him leave.  That's a whole different post, though...

xoxo, Melissa

Hello, April!

Hello, beautiful April! Okay, so maybe it isn't beautiful yet. We're 4 days into April and it's been 3 days of cold and 1 day of rain. But I have faith that April will be a beautiful month.

I know it's been a month since I've posted--I can't believe how quickly March went by! It seemed like as soon as I got a minute to sit down and write, something else would come up and my minute would be gone. But I finally have a moment to breathe, and I feel like I need to write--even if it's just a short update on life.

March came and went quickly, especially with work (thank goodness!). We had a week of state testing, which meant no teaching for the week which was a nice little break. There were some rough patches at work, especially when a student stole my phone, but I'm going to stay positive and chalk it up to a learning experience. I saw a few weeks of sunshine and a week of actualy "warm" weather (okay, as warm as it gets in Ohio in March) which was such a pick-me-up for my mood. And I've been trying to focus more on better eating and working out--I even gave up pop and fast food for Lent. We started TurboFire for working out, too, which is a lot of fun but is making me very sore. Totally worth it, though, when I can fit into that size 8 wedding dress!

So what does April bring? First, April brings a visit from JP! He finally graduated Ranger School and is visiting this week. It's so great to have him around and actually be able to talk to him whenever I want. It also brings spring break, which is going to be a much-needed vacation. I'm going to visit my student teaching placement and see my kids there, hopefully going out to visit a few friends in the Sandusky-area, and of course going home for Easter to see the family. And (finally!) April means only 10 more weeks of school left! So beyond thankful to be almost completley done with my frist year of teaching. it's been quite and experience, but this summer is going to be such a wonderful (paid!) break.

So many blessings are headed our way this month, and I'm so thankful for what God continues to do in our lives. Bring it on, April!

Migraines, Part 2

Okay, so I feel like maybe the doctor's office was productive for two reasons today.

First of all, we've got a plan of attack for the migraine thing. I've got a prescription for Imetrex and I'm getting a C.A.T. scan at some point in the next month or two to make sure that I don't have a brain tumor or something. If I do, it's completely my little sister's fault--I've been telling her for years that her talking was giving me a tumor ;) So prayers that this works and that the scan comes back clean.

Second, they made me get on a scale. Not pleased. The number hasn't changed (my fault for not being as hard working as I should be lately) and it's frustrating. I have 10 months to lose 50 pounds. I'm going to do it! I just HAVE to stay focused!

Alright. Here's hoping the changes I need (no more migraines, no more overweight) will be coming soon.

4 days in!

Well, I'm 4 days into my new healthy eating and exercise plan for this year, and I'm feeling great! I worked out Sunday (day 1) and went a little too hard, got a build-up of lactic acid in my leg muscles and had to let that break down a little before I could push myself again, so I didn't workout Monday or Tuesday. (Also, I don't workout on Tuesday or Thursday because those are the days I work until 7pm, so I wouldn't even be able to get to the gym until 8pm and I'm usually in bed around 10pm. It was just too much, and I had to pick 2 days each week to not workout, so that just made sense.) Today, I went and ran on the elliptical. Because of my bad knees from ballet, I can't run on a treadmill or outside on the pavement, so I only run on the elliptical. I actually really enjoy running; it's a great way for me to get my frustrations and stress out. So I ran today, and did my first mile in just under 7 minutes and my second mile in just under 8! Pretty darn good, especially since the last time I was on an elliptical was in January and I ran 1 mile in 13 minutes! I feel so good and confident now, and that's exactly what I needed to keep going!

The dieting has been pretty good, too. I've had the opportunity to cheat (ugh, it seems like there are ALWAYS goodies in the teacher's lounge!) but I've been pretty good about it. Granted, I'm only 4 days in, but just on the food alone I feel healthier. I've had to play around a bit with the menu and pick some foods that work best for me, but so far so good. Tonight was french onion soup and paninis :) I just feel good. I'm feeling confident about all of this, and I'm not feeling like I want to quit or cheat--something that's very different than it has been in the past! I'm not going to lie, though: I pray for strength and support a lot, because I see this as something I can't do without God's help!

4 days in, and I'm still feeling confident. 2011 will definitely end 50 pounds lighter than it started!

And it begins

This will be a short post because I'm exhausted from today and because I still need to get my stuff together for going back to work tomorrow, but I wanted to record my first day of working out.

My legs feel like mush and standing up/sitting down (the process of) and using the stairs are my worst enemies right now! But I'm feeling confident and I refuse to give up just because day 1 was hard. It was hard, and exhausting, and my body hates me right now, but when I can fit into that size 8 dress at the end of the year then it will ALL be worth it! Just got to keep going and not give up.

I can do this!

Fear and Faith

I'm officially down to a size 11/12!! Hooray!! I'm on my way to single digits again! :)

I've been doing a lot of praying for both the weightloss and the job hunt, and my newest prayers is for God to replace my fear with faith. Fear is absolutely useless-- 1 John 4:18 says "But [His] perfect love drives out fear...the one who fears is not made in perfect love." I AM made in perfect love, in His perfect love, and therefore I need to get the fear out of my life. All it does is make me doubt and worry, and why should I need to worry when I have the perfect Creator of all things in control of my life? I don't have to! He has the best plans for me, and all worrying and stressing is going to do is tear me down and make me doubt. So, I'm going to let God replace my fear with faith and wait (as patiently as I can...maybe I should be praying for more patience too lol) for Him to show me the next step.

On that note, I continue to apply for teaching jobs and run/workout daily in hopes that His next step will come soon.

Faith totally kicks fear's butt, anyway.

Update: Feeling Discouraged

Okay, it's rare that I post more than once a day (in fact, I think this might be the first time...) but I've had 2 really great things today that have made me feel a little less discouraged, so I wanted to share.

1. I still worked out today. I did some weight training, which really didn't feel that great on my muscles, but I worked through it. And then I ran half a mile, which felt really good to get some cardio done. Even though I'm still feeling discouraged about not seeing a lot of progress yet, I feel good that I didn't give up today and that I still worked out and pushed through the discouragement!

2. I've been stressed about how I was going to afford to make my loan payments this summer while I didn't have a job. I've been doing a lot of praying about it, and trying to have blind faith about God coming through. Today, my loan company called me and offered me a 3-month grace period on my loan payments, meaning that I wouldn't have to make my first loan payment until almost 2 months after starting a permanent teaching job! Thank you God for coming through and answering 2 prayers: helping me figure out finances, and showing me the product of having blind faith!

Still not feeling great (it's this crummy weather, I'm telling ya) but at least I had 2 things go really well for me today to turn my discouragement around!

Feeling Discouraged

Maybe it's this crummy Ohio weather, with the rain and the wind and the 50 degree weather in May, but I'm feeling really discouraged today. Not just "don't want to do anything productive and pout" crummy, but full-blown "stay in bed watching bad Lifetime movies while eating leftover pizza" crummy. Not okay. I just feel like I'm putting in effort (not just in weight loss, but in other areas) and I'm not getting any kind of progress out of it. It's driving me crazy and it's making me feel like giving up.

Disclaimer: I'm about to get whiny.

First, there is my weight loss plan. I'm working out every day doing what H has put me on. I know that I'm making progress. Correction: I know that my muscles hurt and that I've stopped eating lots of my favorite foods. I think that means I'm making progress, but I don't feel like I've lost any weight, or that I'm actually doing anything to make me skinnier. I'm not giving up, because that's what I've always done when I got into this kind of rut, and that's why I'm now 35 pounds heavier than I want. So I'm going to keep working out every day and I'm going to keep eating healthy and I'm going to keep praying that eventually I will fit back into 90% of my closet/dresser that I currently can not wear... UGH!!!

Next, there's the fact that I feel like my relationship with God isn't as strong as it was 3 months ago. I don't feel like I've gotten further from God, but I feel like I'm running in place and I can't seem to connect with Him and get any closer. And it's not only that, but I also feel like my faith and trust in God isn't as strong as it was just a few months ago. I haven't lost my faith in Him, so please don't think that at all. But as I get closer to August and still don't have any kind of teaching prospects for the fall, it's harder and harder to trust that God will provide. I hate this feeling. I hate doubting Him, because I can sit here and quote verse after verse about having faith and waiting on His timing, but right now it's like it's going in one ear and out the other. I know that God will provide for me, even if it's not necessarily what I had planned, and that in the end it will be perfect because it's His plan for my life that matters the most (Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, "plans that will not harm you, but will give you a hope and a future.'") but as it gets closer to deadline time, it's harder to remember that and truly believe it. I used to sit here and have such strong belief and faith that I didn't have to worry about anything because God would provide and come through for me if I just had faith in Him and followed His plan for my life. But now, it's like I can't get back to that true blind faith, and it's really upsetting me (to the point of tears, as H found out last night on the phone). What am I supposed to do? I keep praying and asking for more faith and for God to take away my fears, but I feel almost like God's not listening (I know He is and that this is just a test of my faith, but it's absolutely killing me and I'm scared I'm not strong enough). I honestly feel like I'm running on a treadmill and I can see Gd in the distance, but I just can't press in and get closer to Him...

Finally, there is the whole job thing. This is mostly in reference to the fall, but it applies somewhat to the summer, too. I keep sending in applications online, and trying to check up on my interviews and applications that I've already sent in, but there is still absolutely no leads. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "absolutely no leads," because FHS wants to hire me but they have to wait on whether or not another teacher is going to retire. And as of yesterday, he still hasn't decided. It's just becoming so discouraging to hear about friends who are getting interview after interview for teaching jobs, and I haven't even heard back about my first interviews yet. What am I going to do if I don't get a teaching job for the fall? I have loan payments to make that I will not be able to afford without a full-time job. And if I am making any less than $30K in salary for the fall, I can't move back to BG into the apartment that H and I have been putting together, which is just heartbreaking. We have been planning this lifestyle together for the fall and for our future together, all of which is dependent on me getting a teaching job in the BG-area. I know I've still got a couple months before I really need to start freaking out, but I guess this all goes into the whole "blind faith that God has a plan" thing...

UGH! So discouraged and frustrated today! Honestly, I realize that all of this would go away if I could just really focus on having stronger faith in what God's plan for my life is, but that's so hard when I have no idea what that plan is. I guess that's the definition of blind faith.

Skinny Me: Day Three! and You Gotta Have Faith

Well, I haven't given up yet! I actually feel really good after today's workout. Yesterday, I woke up so sore from working out the day before, but today I woke up feeling good. I didn't hurt as bad, and I was actually looking forward to working out today. I did my Cosgrove circuit (7 exercises done right after each other for 1 circuit, and you do one less rep of each exercise each time you do the circuit until you're down to 1 rep) and then moved into my abs exercises, which I did as a circuit today, too. I was sweaty and hurting by the end of my workout today, but I guess that's how you know you've actually done something productive with a workout! :)

So today, I got up, did my exercises, and then decided to go pick up a few groceries so that I can start making healthier meals. I'm eating 5 to 6 smaller meals a day instead of 3 bigger ones so that it keeps my metabolism going. I'm also trying to include more protein and less processed foods into my diet (good bye fast food, tv dinners, pizza, and all my favorite sweet treats...but hello skinny me!) so I needed to pick up a few things to eat. I got turkey bacon, fresh veggies, low-fat cheese, yogurt, fruit, and whole wheat bread. After day 3 of working out and picking up some yummy, healthy foods, I'm feeling really good about all of this! I'm not giving up yet! Just need people to keep encouraging me on a daily basis so that I feel like I can do this.

On a side note, I still haven't heard anything back about any teaching jobs. I checked the Ohio Department of Education website today for new job postings from all over the state, but it seems like no one needs a high school English teacher right now. I'm still waiting to hear back about Fostoria, but right now that all seems to hinge on the retirement of another teacher. I know it's still early, and most schools don't require you to put in a notice that they aren't returning until mid-May anyway, so there is still time. I'm just really worried about not finding a placement for the fall. And for some reason, I haven't been relying on faith as much as I had been a few months ago. It's like I need a faith-check for all of this. I know that God will provide for me (Jehovah Jireh - God provides) and that in the end, He will put me exactly where I'm meant to be. But right now, I'm just really having a hard time connecting with God on that level. In fact, I'm having a hard time connecting with God on a deeper level, period. I don't feel like I'm getting further from God, I just feel like I'm having a hard time getting closer. It's like I was on fire for Him and I run fast enough to be closer to Him, and then all of a sudden *BOOM* I hit a wall and I can't get past it. So how do I break down that wall? How do I get past it and move closer to Him? Again, I don't feel like I'm further from Him or that I'm moving away from Him, but I feel like I'm running in place right now.

God, I need to be closer to you. I won't be satisfied with running in place and watching You from afar. Help me focus on breaking down this wall and being even deeper in Your presence. Don't let me forget that You have a greater plan for me, and that everything will work out according to that plan, and that as long as I commit myself to following Your ways and seeking out Your presence, You will fulfill that plan. Thank you for all the blessings that you have given me and that you have transformed me into a strong woman of faith. Continue to develop and grow that faith within me. Amen.

Skinny Me: Day One!

Ugh, I have never felt so overwhelmingly discouraged about my weight. It's gotten so bad--I've gained 35 pounds in about 2 1/2 years... I look at pictures of myself from fall 2007 and I don't know what I feel more of: frustration that I've let myself get like this, discouragement that I can't seem to drop the weight again, or encouragement to lose it all and look hot again (although I get the feeling it's less of the third option, or else I'd be svelt again). I've always had a bit of a weight issue, but during my junior year of college I REALLY cracked down and dropped almost 35 pounds, and was the skinniest I've been in years. It felt good-- no, actually it felt GREAT! I felt good in everything I wore, I could go out and feel confident, and I was wearing a bikini for the first time since I was like 5! And then I got comfortable in a relationship and we went out to eat a lot (thanks, Chipotle, I totally owe you for these awesome love-handles you provided me with...) and next thing I know, I've got from a size 8 to a size 14. This sucks. A lot.

I've tried a lot over the past few months to find an eating routine or a workout plan that I can stick to, but nothing seems to stay for longer than about a week. I get discouraged quickly, and I make excuses about why I need to cheat, and in the end I give up. It's a bad, bad cycle that I've gotten myself into and seem to be unable to get out of. I've shared this concern with H a lot, and he feels that he needs to lose some weight this summer, especially to get into Army shape. Nutrition is something big that he likes to research on (such a biology major/nerd) so he put together a great workout and eating plan for the both of us for this summer. Hopefully, it's one I can stick to! It involves getting the majority of processed foods out of my system, eating smaller meals that are built around protein that will help build muscle and burn fat, and doing workouts that challenge all the muscles in my body--granted, that workout title involves the word "evil" but maybe that's what I need to kick my butt into gear! He swears I'll be addicted to the workout in just about a week, when I can feel the results.

So today was day one. I immediately got frustrated with the workout because I felt like it wasn't actually going to be doing me any good since I wasn't using much weight and because the online videos wouldn't load, so I had no idea how to even do the exercises. I called H, almost in tears, because I know that if I can't even get through day 1, there's no way I'll make it through the summer. After calming down, he went out of his way to help me understand each video, and then proceeded to send me notes of encouragement to keep me going. So I made it through my first workout! It ended up being a little harder than I expected, but not so hard that I felt like I needed to give up after one set--in fact, I made it through all 5 sets! I'm really actually feeling encouraged by that, so maybe this will work out. It also helps to know that H is also doing the workouts, too, so I'm not totally alone in this. Maybe doing this together (well, not physically, since we're currently 3 hours apart, and after next week it'll still be 1 hour apart) will bring us closer and help us strengthen our relationship; the family who gets in shape together stays together? Hahaha! I hope so!

I just need to know that I can stick to this, even when it gets discouraging. I know once I see some progress (dropping a few pounds, feeling healthier, etc.) then I'll keep going with it. It's just getting to that progress that sucks...

I just want to feel confident again!!