My Own Personal Zwischen

Today I learned a new word, which at this stage of pregnancy (38 weeks, 3 days) is a special feat in and of itself.  Zwischen.  It's German, and it means "between." 

It is the epitome of where I find myself lately.  In between.

In between being childless and a mommy.
In between my body being my own and belonging to the baby growing inside.
In between the joy of holding my daughter and the fear of what comes next.

Pregnancy limbo.  Zwischen.

I'm a weepy, curled up ball of tears at every Hallmark commercial, and getting through a Good Morning America spotlight of a child who has done/gone through something extraordinary without bawling is almost impossible at this point.  I'm insecure about my roundness and constant waddle, but I'm proud of my body for what it's accomplished in the past 9+ months.  I mourn the idea that these last few days/weeks will be the last times that H and I have that are truly "just us," but I look forward with indescribable joy at the idea of raising this beautiful little girl together. 

In between.

I have 11 days left until our due date.  11 days (more or less) of "in-betweenness."  And I have never felt so torn and conflicted about something so scary and beautiful.  I've been blessed to have had an easy pregnancy: little to no nausea, weight gain has been minimal, baby has been healthy and right on track at every appointment, no extreme symptoms or health problems, and generally comfortable up until the past week or two.  I have genuinely loved be pregnant, with every little milestone along the way, which is why I feel so torn: as excited as I am to hold my daughter and see our family move into this brand new chapter of our lives, I am so sad to say goodbye to pregnancy.  Not because I fear what comes next won't be as good; in fact, I know it will be better! But the joy of feeling my baby move for the first time inside me, the little moments we share in the early morning when Daddy gets up to go to work and I can feel her begin to stretch and wiggle as she wakes up, too - those are the moments that I'm sad to lose.  Those are the moments that catch me in my zwischen, my "in-betweenness."

And yet the idea of finally meeting this little girl who I have spent the past 9+ months bonding with, to finally see her chubby cheeks and tiny nose, to count the fingers and toes that have been wiggling around - that I have zero fear or doubt about.  I can't wait to hold her, skin-to-skin, in those first moments outside of the womb and know that she is mine; to watch her daddy do the same and know that forever there is a piece of his heart that I will never be able to have because in that instant it now belongs to her.  The joy of knowing that our family now has a completeness that we never knew before - that is the moment when my in between ends and my role of mommy begins, something that I look forward to with so much excitement, despite the fears of my in between.

Limbo, torn between two worlds: pregnancy and motherhood, the "now" and the "what's to come."

Ask me again a few weeks after Anastasia has arrived, after we have settled into some semblance of a routine with her, if I miss the in between.  I honestly don't know how I'll answer.  Truthfully, I know there will always be a part of me that misses the stages of pregnancy and the special bond that is formed during this time, but I can't honestly say if I'll miss this in between, this zwischen stage where everything is ending and beginning all at once. 

For now, I will bask in the glow of the final weeks of pregnancy.  Not so much the back and hip pain, the redistribution of my center of gravity, or my inability to put on socks by myself.  But I'll enjoy my quite mornings with a squirmy baby that makes my belly move all on it's own; I'll fall in love with my husband all over again every time he kisses my bump goodnight or reaches over in the middle of church to lay a gentle hand where he can see her moving; I'll cry at the silliest things and not feel guilty about eating a donut at 9pm.  Because this is my in between, my zwischen, and I'll enjoy every moment I have left of it.

Allergies, or is Baby K already trolling me...

My little Nugget is quite the troll and he isn't even here yet.

I've always had acid reflux issues, and Tums are my BFF.  But the heartburn I have had since finding out I was preggers makes my acid reflux look like the hiccups.  That, combined with the feeling like I need to take naps at the most random times, and the allergies that make it almost impossible to be outside, and I feel like my body is turning on me.

I'm not complaining, trust me.  I knew coming into this that these kinds of symptoms were commonplace for pregnancy and with how much we've wanted to start our family, I knew I was asking for this kind of stuff.  But I didn't realize how much my body would change with little things like this, or how quickly it would all happen.

I'm at five weeks, and I can already tell there's some ch-ch-ch-chaaanges (sing it!) going on.  Like the fact that all of a sudden, I can't eat regular-sized meals like I could 2 weeks ago.  For example, we had steak for dinner last night, along with mashed potatoes and cantaloupe.  Two weeks ago, I could have easily eaten the majority of my steak, all of my potatoes, and some melon without any problems.  Last night?  A third (maybe) of my steak, half my potatoes, and 3 small pieces of melon.  What the heck, Nugget, shouldn't you be hungry if you're going through a major growth spurt right now, especially for one of my favorite foods?!  And even after just that small portion of food, I felt bloated.  But you better believe about an hour later I could tell I was hungry again.  It's so weird; my body has never been like that, but I guess it's all part of the mommyhood territory.  Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm hungry or mildly nauseous, although I have to be thankful that I haven't experienced morning sickness yet (knocking on the wooden desk in the office as we speak!).  And I learned that scrambled eggs are a major no-go for me right now.

It's weird that two weeks ago, none of this was an issue.  I could eat normal, had my usual heartburn symptoms, and rarely felt bloated or nauseous.  In the matter of two weeks of Nugget growing, though, it's like my body has done a complete 180 and I don't even know it anymore.  It's weird.  And I know there's still more changes to come, but it's kind of like these little changes make the fact that I'm actually pregnant feel so much more real... and that I definitely don't mind :)

xoxo, M