Life Verse

I recently heard someone use the term "life verse" about a particular scripture.  It's a term I'd never heard before, but after hearing it I had that "what did I ever do before finding _____" moment; what did I do without this term before?!

That got me thinking: What is my life verse?  Wait, do I even have a life verse?!
 Turns out, I do!  

To me, a life verse is more than just a go-to verse that I can quote forwards, backwards, and in Pig Latin that is my "go-to" verse to comfort people or make myself feel better.  I needed a verse that I could do all of the above with, but that also has a very specific meaning in my life and my walk with God, a verse that my relationship with God is founded upon and that God has used to strengthen my connection with Him.

Only one verse came to mind, and it's one that God has used so much in my life over the past.

The card in that picture is a Stop and Pray card (S.A.P, or sap, which is defined as something that gives life and energy, exactly what this verse does for me!) that a coworker and friend from the Montessori School of Bowling Green gave to me a few years back.    It spent some time tucked into the gauges console of my car where it was a constant reminder of God's peace, and it eventually made it into my Bible.  I read it every day as I do my devotionals, and as you can tell by the crinkles and folds in the card, it's been put to good use!

So why is this particular verse so special that I chose it above the other 31,000+ verses in the Bible?  First of all, it's a promise to me that God has not left me alone or forgotten about me.  This verse shows me that God has given me His Spirit to strengthen my own spirit.  He wants me to remember that the spirit He has given me is one that gives me His fruits of the Spirit, and that it is His promise and gift to me.

Second, it reminds me that fear and doubt do not come from God.  Unless you're new here, you probably already know that I could get an Olympic gold medal in worry and fear.  In 2 Corinthians 6, it says that darkness can not dwell in the Light; where the Lord dwells there can be nothing that is not of His Spirit, including fear and worry.  There are a million and one (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating.  But there are A LOT!) verses in the Bible about not needing to worry our doubt because God is in control, and my life verse is a great example of why I don't have to worry - God hasn't given me a spirit of worry and fear, because He's got it in control.

 

Finally, it reminds me that God's peace transcends all Earthly reasoning and understanding.  Especially in the past year with the miscarriage, the stress the Army has put on our family, money worries, car trouble, and everything else, there is absolutely no reason I should feel peace in the face of all of this stress.  And yet, while I may not have always been the picture of peace and nonchalance, I know that I had a lot more peace about these situations than most people would normally experience.  I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or to imply that I'm better at handling stress than anyone else, because that is by far the furthest thing from the truth!  In reality, I'm the definition of a stress case and can find ways to worry about even the smallest things.  I ride the struggle bus, and the struggle is real, people!  But this verse is a constant reminder of the peace, the "sound mind" that God has given me.  I've had people ask me how I can remain so calm, have so much faith, or how I handle it all.  It's not me at all.  Not one bit of it.  It's completely and totally a God thing, and one of the best things He has ever given me (ya know, beyond grace, forgiveness, grace, and salvation).  

 

I would be a mess without Him and without the spirit of power, love, and peace that He has given me.  This verse embodies everything that God has graced me with and is a daily reminder of why I don't have to worry about things - He has it in control!

So, what's your life verse?

Little Reminders

Why is it that when the weather gets all mopey like this, it's almost like the universe decides it's the perfect time to dump every possible problem into your lap?  Not cool.

Or maybe it's just the weather making me feel like all these problems are so much bigger than they really are.

I have to say, it does feel like the world scooped up a bunch of problems and dropped them all into my lap at once.  I won't go into all of them, but it was a stressful couple days around here, let me tell you!  Yesterday, this was the verse that showed up in my daily email:  "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done" -Philippians 4:6

I love when God sends me little reminders :)  I've been doing a lot of praying about money/job stuff, but I forgot about the "don't worry" part.  I'm a worrier.  A grade-A first class worrier.  If it was an Olympic sport, I'd have the gold.  If I had a dollar for every time I worried...you get the idea.  But when we worry, we aren't really letting God do His thing; instead, we're second guessing (whether we mean to or not) His ability to provide and come through for us.  Yesterday, within just a few hours after reading this email and remembering that God has always and will always take care of us, things started to clear up---my 2 biggest worries were consoled and appear to be taken care of!  Can't stop being thankful for these blessings!

Today in my email, this was my message:  "Then, when you call, the Lord will answer.  'Yes, I am here' He will quickly reply" -Isaiah 58:9.   Thanks God :)

I have so many reasons to be thankful and blessed, even when it seems like everything is a mess and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the week because of everything that's going on.  When I think about all the things that are coming in the next couple months, not to mention in the next year, I can't help but smile and realize just how blessed H and I really are.  I just have to remember to stay focused on those blessings and wonderful things to come, and remember that God is there, He's always there, and He's going to get me through the problems so I can truly enjoy the blessings!

Too blessed to be stressed!

Provisions

Pop Quiz: What does it mean to provide?

A) Does it mean that you get what you want when you want it, no questions asked.
B) Does it mean that what if what you want also lines up with what you need, it will happen.
C) Does it mean that what you need will come to you, but only when the time is right, and even if it's not exactly what you think you need, what you expected, or even what you wanted.

More and more, I'm feeling like it's the 3rd answer.

I routinely pray for God to provide for us in terms of jobs, living expenses, and just in general to help us keep going when we have no idea how things are going to work out. Sometimes it all happens and falls into place exactly how I have it planned out and think it should happen, but other times it feels like we're just barely getting by, and I wonder why God chooses how He provides. I know it's all part of a bigger plan, and that He has the most incredible plans for our lives, but sometimes I wonder how/why He lets things pan out the way they do and how that plays into His plan for our life. Because there are times where I look at how things are playing out and I wonder how this barely getting by at the very last minute thing is teaching us anything about God or His plan. I'm not complaining, because I know He has always provided in the past and will continue to provide as I seek Him for guidance and help, and even if it wasn't the provision I'd expected, it always worked out. But the curiosity in me wonders how and why He does what He does when He does it.

I'm continuing to thank God for all He does and all He provides and trust Him to continue providing for us, but I still wonder...

Lazy Summer

I haven't sat down and written a blog in what seems like forever. I don't mean just a little update here or there, but actually written something of substance. Although, since I really only blog for my own catharsis, do I ever really write something of substance? Hm.

Summer has just slipped by. It's been amazing to be home every day, working out 4-5 times a week, focusing on not only getting healthy but watching the weight drop down (20 lbs down, 25 lbs to go! Read about it here) on the scale and keeping myself motivated. Being home this summer has also brought H and I a million times closer. It's like as we get closer and closer to getting married and him leaving for the Army, our love develops this deepness that I can't begin to explain. I'm sure this sound ridiculously corny and silly, but it's a love I've never felt before. And as this love develops and grows, any fear or worry I have about following him into the Army melts away. I have absolutely no doubts about our life together, following him through the Army, or what the separation and deployments will bring. None. And every day I get a little more excited for what's to come next!

We recently began focusing more on wedding stuff. Even though we aren't technically engaged yet (aka. there's no ring on my finger) we still want to get things planned and ready to go for engagement/wedding stuff. We got "engagement" pictures done by a good friend of mine, and she did an amazing job! We now have beautiful pictures of us (something that is hard to find, considering H feels the need to make ridiculous faces in EVERY picture ever taken of us) which we can use for our engagement/wedding plan announcements that we plan to send out after the official proposal. We've started talking about various wedding details, too, and a few weekends ago Mom and I went out and picked out my wedding dresses (Yes, plural. One very simple one for the justice of the peace ceremony, and one fancy-shmancy one for the traditional ceremony next year. I can't even go into how much I owe my mother for this, because it's above and beyond what I could have asked for!) I know that a majority of the planning for the traditional ceremony is going to take place while he's in training, so it's nice that we can discuss and plan things together now. Yes, I suppose this is putting the cart before the horse since technically we aren't officially engaged, but at this point we know we're getting married in a few months because of the Army.

On another note, I have spent the summer looking for a job. I feel like this is deja-vu to my posts about this time last year when I didn't have a job for that school year, either. Oy. Achieve had to cut my position due to budget, but told me to call back in August to see if they were able to bring my position back. Currently, there are ZERO English positions posted on any of the 3 websites I check for teaching jobs in the Northwest Ohio area. Heck, there aren't any English teacher positions posted for this half of the state! I got contacted by a district in Toledo about applying for a position, so I did and I guess now it's a wait and see game. Trying to remember to trust God in all of this, because He still has a plan for me. I'm collecting unemployment and trying to get a part-time job as well as subbing again, but I'm still praying for a teaching job to come through. Just trying to remember: a mustard seed of faith is all it takes. I think I need to get back into reading my Bible and having my one-on-one time with God more, to continue building on that mustard seed of faith...

So that's life.
It's been a lazy summer of working out, preparing for Army life, playing with fiddler crabs, toying around with wedding stuff, and falling in love all over again, but I love very minute of it.

Strength...?

What does it mean to be strong?

Does it mean that you don't give up on a situation, no matter how difficult or disagreeable it is, because you are going to finish what you've started?

Or does it mean that you refuse to do something that you don't agree with, even if it means giving up on something that you started when you're only halfway done?

And how do you know if you're strong when sometimes being strong can feel like being weak? When you feel like you're being strong because you're finishing something you started, but in reality you question if you're weak for not standing up for something you believe in just so you can finish what you've started.

I used to feel strong. I felt like I knew what I was doing and that I was doing the right thing by following my heart and where God is leading me. But now, I don't know. Did God put me here to teach me how to be strong by pushing through and finishing what I've started no matter how big the struggles are (and maybe teaching me a little something about faith in the process)? Or did God put me here to teach me how to be strong by standing up for what I truly believe in and saying "enough" to things that I know aren't right? I don't know anymore. I'm confused and I'm torn and I don't know what strong even means at this point.

How can I have strength when I feel so exhausted from trying to figure out what strength even is...?

Looking Back

I can definitely say that 2010 was a CRAZY year for me! I learned a lot, had some interesting experiences, made a lot of new friends, started a career, and fell in love all over again. Here are some things that I learned this year:

-Trust God no matter what. He knows what He's doing, and in the end He's going to make things work out for you.
-Be patient. Good things come to those who wait.
-Don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel, good or bad, because in the end you have to do what's best for you.
-Love freely. Love who you love, when you love them, for whatever reason you love them. And if you can't stop loving someone, trust that God's got a reason for that.
-Apply for a million jobs until you land the right one.
-Have faith.
-Hold tight to your family, through good and bad. A wise woman once said "We'll get through this. We're a family, and that's what families do."
-Look for the little joys. They are what make life worth living.
-Yell when you need to. Cry if you have to. But don't ever go to bed angry.
-Forgive. Simple to say, hard to do, but essential to getting through life.
-Listen to your instincts/heart/conscience. Chances are they probably know what's going on.
-Say "I'm sorry."
-Find something to be thankful for every single day, even if it's something trivial. You'll be more aware of your blessings if you do this.
-Reconnect with old friends. It's worth it.
-Don't let the little bothers bring you down. It's not worth it.

I love this verse, and I think it completely summarizes 2010 for me:
"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as the other."
-Ecclesiastes 7:14-17


And now it's on to 2011! God's got BIG things in store for us, and I'm so excited to see what's going to happen.
Also, H and I have started a new blog for 2011. It's mostly me doing the updating, but it's to chronicle everything we have going on this coming year. This blog will obviously still be my priority; the other blog is a photo blog--1 picture a day for 365 days.

I pray that God blesses you and your family this coming year! See you in 2011!

Prayer works!

I have been incredibly overwhelmed due to teaching day school AND night school. Being at work from 7:15am to 6:30pm 5 days a week is so exhausting, both mentally and physically, especially with the group of kids I have at night school. It's like every kid with a behavior problem comes to night school and I spend most of my time "babysitting" instead of actually teaching. And after 5 days of that, I feel so mentally exhausted...actually, usually after 2 or 3 days of that, I feel mentally exhausted...

But it's come to a point where it was either figure out a different schedule for night school or I would have to stop teaching both day and night and just teach day school. The first year of teaching is so hard and overwhelming in the first place, but to add to it teaching for 11 hours a day and teaching kids who are so hard to teach in the first place, it was making me have breakdowns about once a week. I know my limitations, and I know that teaching day and night school 5 days a week was just too much.

I had been avoiding talking to my bosses about it, just out of fear of "rocking the boat" and the concern of losing my job if I did. But my bosses were amazing about it, and even came up with a great schedule for everyone in night school. We're switching over to block scheduling, so I'll actually only be teaching night school 2 nights a week. That means 3 nights a week (including Fridays) I get to come home at 4pm! I feel so thankful and so blessed that this all worked out, because I have been praying about for the past month--waiting for God to take care of me and help me get through this. And today He came through and provided for me (like He always does!) and I am beyond thankful. Feeling so blessed.

And now, on to my truths:
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I can honestly say there are a lot of people in my life that this has happened with. Nikie from high school is probably one of the biggest ones. We were inseparable my junior and senior years, and my freshman year of college, but then she moved to North Carolina and I got busy with college, and we just drifted. We still talk via Facebook once in a while, but it's not like we were before and I regret that. Also, the ladies that I lived with at my sorority house: Kimmie, Ellie, Jess, and Sarah. We were so incredibly close and after graduation we all went our separate ways. Jess got married, Sarah and I are teaching, Ellie is a nanny in central Ohio, and Kimmie moved back to Maryland; we don't keep in touch like I wish we would have. These girls were my best friends in college, and now I talk to them about once a month and see them a few times a year. It's sad, and I wish it was different.

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
There is one person who I have spent the past year-and-a-half letting go of. We still talk once in a while, but not like we used to. She was a toxic personality who did nothing but bring me down and suck the joy out of me. I realized this sometime last spring and have distanced myself. I can't let other people bring me down, and I refuse to let someone else take my joy away. It's just better this way, as sad as it is, and I've felt myself change and become a much more pleasant person because of it.

The Interview from Heaven

It's funny how God teaches me lessons...

First off, let me explain that I did finally get a teaching job! I am the newest Title 1 English 9, 10, and 11 teacher at a charter school in Toledo. How I got this job is a little more interesting than the fact that I actually got a job.

About 2 weeks ago I got a call from this particular school telling me that they had my information and would like to set up an interview for 2 days later. At the time, I was so excited for an interview that I just accepted it and said "of course I'd like an interview!" but then I started thinking--I couldn't remember applying to this school. In fact, I had never actually heard of this school. So I check the Ohio Dept. of Education website to see when I had applied to this school. According to their site, I had never applied through them. Weird. But I checked out the school and it was completely the school setting I was looking for--the right student demographic, the right location, and they were interested in me (that last one is a quality I haven't found in most of the schools I've applied for...!)

So I went to my first interview. I'm sitting there waiting to be let in, and the man who opens the door to let me into the interview says "You look familiar...why do I know you?" Turns out that when I worked at the other charter school in Toledo, I had his son as one of my students. We start chatting about my experiences at the other charter school, and next thing I know we're just chatting and swapping stories very casually. He tells me "I'm not going to ask you these interview questions, because I know you can handle these kids if you've done well at another charter school." I leave an hour later having answered 3 of 15 questions and after a lovely conversation with him about students, experience, and life in general. Could not have asked for a better interview.

Three days later, I get a call. It was the dean of the school telling me that my first interview was very successful and that they would like to invite me back for a second interview. He then followed up by telling me that he was pretty sure that if I came to this second interview, it would probably lead to a job. I'm excited, intrigued, and still confused about how they got my information. I decided that the best thing to do was to thank God for the second interview and trust Him. If they got my information for the job in one of His mysterious ways, who am I to question it.

Second interview went like this:
Principal: It's nice to meet you, I'm Mrs. _________________. Looks like you had a great first interview. Tell me about your experiences with this kind of student demographic.
Me: Blah blah blah
Principal: Great. Well here's what the position is, and here's the salary.
Me: Sounds great to me, it's definitely something I'm interested in.
Principal: Okay, great. If you'd like to accept the position now, we can start your contract paperwork and I can show you your classroom.

After I got done picking my jaw up off of the floor, I accepted the position, got to meet a few fellow teachers, and visit my classroom. I may be new to this whole interview process thing, but I guess I just assumed that in a second interview they would ask more than one question before offering me the job? Hey, I'm not complaining! This is the PERFECT school for me! The right location and the student demographic are exactly what I'm looking for and where I've really felt that God was calling me to. Now it's actually happening.

Months of praying. And worrying. And praying that I stop worrying and trust God. And then worrying that I'm not trusting or praying enough. It's been a vicious cycle. And now, when it's literally 2 weeks before I would have to start training for a teaching job and prepping my classroom, God hands me an interview that is the answer to all of my prayers and is perfect for me.

It's funny how God has spent this summer really teaching me to trust Him and believe in His promises. My favorite quote this summer has been "Embracing the promises of God begins with the unshakable certainty that God will never forget His promises." Well, the past 3 months have been a giant lesson in unshakable certainty in trusting that God doesn't forget. And now, 3 months later, I am preparing to move back to BG to the perfect apartment so that I can begin the job that God has blessed me with, also perfect.

But then again, His blessings always are...
Also, I still don't know how they got my information. God works in mysterious ways, I suppose. :)

Still Waiting

It's been a very short, but drawn-out summer. Not in a bad way. It seems like the fun parts of this summer have gone by so fast--the family vacation camping in the woods, girls weekend, the nights out with my friends--which I suppose is typical. Time flies when you're having fun, right? But the serious parts, the parts that involve me being concerned with my future and a job, those are the ones that have been so drawn out.

If everything goes as planned** then I will be moving back to BG in about 5 weeks. That leaves me 5 weeks to figure out what I'm going to be doing when I move back to BG.

**"Planned" is a funny word. Is it the plan that I want, the plan that God wants, the plan that God is giving me because He knows the desires of my heart? For the purposes of this rambling post, lets assume it's the plan that God is going to provide me with after He has considered what my heart's desires are. Aaaaaaand break.

I have a few plans. Let's review:
Plan A: Get a full-time teaching job within an hour drive of BG
Plan A.2: Get accepted into graduate school at Toledo, take classes, and work as a substitute teacher
Plan B: Work as a substitute teacher and get another part time job so I can pay my bills
Plan C: Find a sugardaddy who can pay my bills for me (insert "Bills" by Destiny's Child here)
Plan Z: Move into my parents' house indefinitely, mooch off of them until OH joins the Army so I can live off of his paycheck and let him be my sugardaddy (again, insert "Bills" here)
Plan Z.2: Plan Z, only H leaves me (because he can't pay my bills, can't pay my telephone bills, can't pay my automo-bills...) and I end up being the crazy cat lady.

So there you have it; my future in a bullet-point list. Okay, not truly bullet-point, mainly because I can not figure out how to bullet-point my list, but you get the idea.

Up until recently, I had given up on Plan A and moved on to Plan A.2. I've submitted my application for grad school, picked out my program (English as a Second Language), and sent out my requests for letters of recommendation. Now I wait. In the meantime, I'm still filling out any teaching applications that come my way, just in case God decides to throw me something at the last minute. People tell me that it's okay to trust God to bring things my way, but I have to go out and put action into what I want, too. So here's my take on that: God knows what my true desires are, but I do have to put in my end of the deal--I have to put in the applications and trust Him to take those and put me where He wants me when He wants me there. So I've still been putting in the applications for teaching positions, as well as applications for other various jobs in the Toledo/BG area. Nothing so far has come through. While that's discouraging, to me it just means that God's got something else out there planned for me that will be perfect. So I wait. And I keep applying.

I spent yesterday applying for grad school, and randomly filled out an application for a position at a high school in the Toledo area. I figured that at this point, maybe God was steering me solely in the direction of taking classes and substitute teaching, but thought that I would keep my end of the deal and just keep turning in applications until I know what the plan is for sure. Today I got a call for an interview for this particular position! I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I've been brokenhearted about this kind of thing before. I'm just going to keep going forward with both the interview and pursuing my application to grad school and see what exactly God brings my way.

So. In summary:
-I have plans, some of which include teaching, some of which include cats.
-I have an interview on Monday and a graduate school application in-progress.
-I have a family and a boyfriend who support me through all of this, which is probably the only reason I haven't pulled all my hair out or given myself a bleeding ulcer.
-I have a wonderful Heavenly Father who is taking care of me and providing for me, even if it comes at the last minute. He's teaching me the importance of trusting Him and waiting on His timing. And as long as I continue to follow His word and focus on making my life glorify Him in everything I do, He will bless me with a final plan that takes the desires of my heart into consideration.

I might still be waiting, but I'm being blessed while I'm doing it! (And maybe I can pick up a cat along the way...)

Lost

I didn't get the job in Fostoria. They chose not to hire on a new teacher due to financial restraints, and instead disbursed the extra classes between other teachers. I understand why I didn't get hired, because I know that if they had the finances they would have hired me for the position.

Now I'm feeling lost. That was the one job that I knew I could have if they were able to have an opening. I'm not a shoe-in for any other job I apply for. I feel like that was my one hope, and now it's gone.

I want to trust God. I want to believe that He's got a plan (I know he does, but it's hard to remember that sometimes...) and that something will come through for the fall. But I feel so lost right now...

Feeling Discouraged

Maybe it's this crummy Ohio weather, with the rain and the wind and the 50 degree weather in May, but I'm feeling really discouraged today. Not just "don't want to do anything productive and pout" crummy, but full-blown "stay in bed watching bad Lifetime movies while eating leftover pizza" crummy. Not okay. I just feel like I'm putting in effort (not just in weight loss, but in other areas) and I'm not getting any kind of progress out of it. It's driving me crazy and it's making me feel like giving up.

Disclaimer: I'm about to get whiny.

First, there is my weight loss plan. I'm working out every day doing what H has put me on. I know that I'm making progress. Correction: I know that my muscles hurt and that I've stopped eating lots of my favorite foods. I think that means I'm making progress, but I don't feel like I've lost any weight, or that I'm actually doing anything to make me skinnier. I'm not giving up, because that's what I've always done when I got into this kind of rut, and that's why I'm now 35 pounds heavier than I want. So I'm going to keep working out every day and I'm going to keep eating healthy and I'm going to keep praying that eventually I will fit back into 90% of my closet/dresser that I currently can not wear... UGH!!!

Next, there's the fact that I feel like my relationship with God isn't as strong as it was 3 months ago. I don't feel like I've gotten further from God, but I feel like I'm running in place and I can't seem to connect with Him and get any closer. And it's not only that, but I also feel like my faith and trust in God isn't as strong as it was just a few months ago. I haven't lost my faith in Him, so please don't think that at all. But as I get closer to August and still don't have any kind of teaching prospects for the fall, it's harder and harder to trust that God will provide. I hate this feeling. I hate doubting Him, because I can sit here and quote verse after verse about having faith and waiting on His timing, but right now it's like it's going in one ear and out the other. I know that God will provide for me, even if it's not necessarily what I had planned, and that in the end it will be perfect because it's His plan for my life that matters the most (Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, "plans that will not harm you, but will give you a hope and a future.'") but as it gets closer to deadline time, it's harder to remember that and truly believe it. I used to sit here and have such strong belief and faith that I didn't have to worry about anything because God would provide and come through for me if I just had faith in Him and followed His plan for my life. But now, it's like I can't get back to that true blind faith, and it's really upsetting me (to the point of tears, as H found out last night on the phone). What am I supposed to do? I keep praying and asking for more faith and for God to take away my fears, but I feel almost like God's not listening (I know He is and that this is just a test of my faith, but it's absolutely killing me and I'm scared I'm not strong enough). I honestly feel like I'm running on a treadmill and I can see Gd in the distance, but I just can't press in and get closer to Him...

Finally, there is the whole job thing. This is mostly in reference to the fall, but it applies somewhat to the summer, too. I keep sending in applications online, and trying to check up on my interviews and applications that I've already sent in, but there is still absolutely no leads. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "absolutely no leads," because FHS wants to hire me but they have to wait on whether or not another teacher is going to retire. And as of yesterday, he still hasn't decided. It's just becoming so discouraging to hear about friends who are getting interview after interview for teaching jobs, and I haven't even heard back about my first interviews yet. What am I going to do if I don't get a teaching job for the fall? I have loan payments to make that I will not be able to afford without a full-time job. And if I am making any less than $30K in salary for the fall, I can't move back to BG into the apartment that H and I have been putting together, which is just heartbreaking. We have been planning this lifestyle together for the fall and for our future together, all of which is dependent on me getting a teaching job in the BG-area. I know I've still got a couple months before I really need to start freaking out, but I guess this all goes into the whole "blind faith that God has a plan" thing...

UGH! So discouraged and frustrated today! Honestly, I realize that all of this would go away if I could just really focus on having stronger faith in what God's plan for my life is, but that's so hard when I have no idea what that plan is. I guess that's the definition of blind faith.

Let Go, and Let God

I'm really struggling with the concept of "trust" lately. Not so much with God, more-so with people. Specifically, with H. Which, I guess when you look at it, is trusting God in a round-about way...?

I have zero doubt that God brought H and I back together. But because of how things have happened for H and I over the past 2 1/2 years, I really struggle with trusting him. (note: this is not meaning that I don't trust him to be honest with me, or to be faithful to me, or anything like that.) I have trusted him with my heart 2 other times in the past, and that has gotten me hurt both times. I am so afraid to trust him with my heart a third time, so while we have been working through relationship things over the past month, I still have a lot of walls up to protect myself. It's an awful feeling! I hate that the man who I consider my best friend, the one who I love and want to spend my future with, I can't seem to trust completely or let my guard down around when it comes to love. It's so frustrating and I don't know how to get over it.

And then I look at it this way: If God brought us back together, and I am having doubts with trust, am I doubting what God has done or doubting God altogether? Which makes me feel even worse!

Here's what I know:
-I want to spend my future with H
-God has brought H and I back together because of my trust in Him and my desire to follow His will in my life
-I need Him to teach me how to trust and to heal my heart from all of the baggage that H and I now carry

God, please teach me how to trust. Open up my heart again and let me realize that if it's in Your hands (which I know it is) I don't have to worry about it because I know that you're taking care of it. Don't let me doubt the amazing things you have done in my life, or the things that you have blessed me with. Please continue to bring H and I closer together and work us through all of our relationship needs. Make our relationship foundation built in You and You alone, and remind me daily (or hourly, if needed!) that I've let go, so now it's time to let You do your thing! Thank you for all the blessings you've given me, and for bringing H back into my life. Teach me how to trust and heal my heart again. Amen.