Holes in our Heart

A small baby, but a big hole.

So far, that's the most accurate sentiment for what I'm feeling.  At only 9 weeks (but measuring 6), our baby was the size of a lentil when we went into the ER for an ultrasound due to cramping and bleeding.  That was four days ago.  A lentil.  And yet the hole it's left in our hearts and our lives is so much bigger.

I don't think anyone goes into a pregnancy expecting a miscarriage.  But everyone goes in with the fear of it.  Monday night, our biggest fear came true.  Too much cramping and bleeding.  Four hours, a pelvic exam, an ultrasound, and a lot of tears later, we were sent home with discharge papers and an informational handout on "threatened miscarriage."  I wish I could say that things turned around after going home, but God had a different plan. 

For the past three days, we have been processing our loss.  Last night (Wednesday) was when our fear finally came full circle and I fully miscarried.  There's no better way to say it, no way to sugar coat it or make it sound more poetic than it is.  I miscarried our first pregnancy.  Our first baby.  And the biggest thing I have had to overcome through all of this processing is blaming myself.  But that's for another post...

There is no right or wrong way to process this, from what we've found.  There's no right or wrong way to feel.  There's no prescribed length of time it takes to get through this.  It's all a guessing game for us.  We're learning each moment of each day what's right for us, for our family, and how we process it.  I don't know if it will ever truly "go away" or "get better."  What I do know is that this has brought H and I closer, and has given us a new appreciation for the child that God will bless us with when the time is right. 

We're finding that our love is strong enough to overcome even the greatest loss.  And that you can never take your partner's love and strength for granted.  I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten through any of this without him by my side through it all.

We're finding that our faith is stronger than we realize.  And that God's plan is always greater, even if we can't see it or understand it.

And we're learning that the support of our friends and family is crucial.  No one ever really knows what to say when this happens, unless you've actually been through a miscarriage. Thank goodness for the support of a friend who has had her own share of heartache from the loss of a baby.  She let me cry, ask questions, grieve, and move forward with an openness that I appreciate more than she can ever know.  Nothing was off limits, and that's what I needed to help me process all of this.  And the constant support of my mother, my best friend, and my sister is something that I can never truly repay.  The patience, the understanding, the reminder that it's not my fault and that God has a bigger plan - I don't think I could have made it through all of this without their constant support and love.

Have we given up hope of being parents?  Not by a long shot.

As soon as we're ready, we're getting back on that horse and trusting God's timing.

But I don't think we'll ever forget our first Nugget baby, our first love and loss.  God had other plans for that baby, and has other plans for us.  If anything, this loss has taught us to lean even more on our faith in God and on each other for strength.  It's taught us that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is or if it makes sense to us. 

It's taught us that even the smallest baby can leave the biggest hole.