Life Verse

I recently heard someone use the term "life verse" about a particular scripture.  It's a term I'd never heard before, but after hearing it I had that "what did I ever do before finding _____" moment; what did I do without this term before?!

That got me thinking: What is my life verse?  Wait, do I even have a life verse?!
 Turns out, I do!  

To me, a life verse is more than just a go-to verse that I can quote forwards, backwards, and in Pig Latin that is my "go-to" verse to comfort people or make myself feel better.  I needed a verse that I could do all of the above with, but that also has a very specific meaning in my life and my walk with God, a verse that my relationship with God is founded upon and that God has used to strengthen my connection with Him.

Only one verse came to mind, and it's one that God has used so much in my life over the past.

The card in that picture is a Stop and Pray card (S.A.P, or sap, which is defined as something that gives life and energy, exactly what this verse does for me!) that a coworker and friend from the Montessori School of Bowling Green gave to me a few years back.    It spent some time tucked into the gauges console of my car where it was a constant reminder of God's peace, and it eventually made it into my Bible.  I read it every day as I do my devotionals, and as you can tell by the crinkles and folds in the card, it's been put to good use!

So why is this particular verse so special that I chose it above the other 31,000+ verses in the Bible?  First of all, it's a promise to me that God has not left me alone or forgotten about me.  This verse shows me that God has given me His Spirit to strengthen my own spirit.  He wants me to remember that the spirit He has given me is one that gives me His fruits of the Spirit, and that it is His promise and gift to me.

Second, it reminds me that fear and doubt do not come from God.  Unless you're new here, you probably already know that I could get an Olympic gold medal in worry and fear.  In 2 Corinthians 6, it says that darkness can not dwell in the Light; where the Lord dwells there can be nothing that is not of His Spirit, including fear and worry.  There are a million and one (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating.  But there are A LOT!) verses in the Bible about not needing to worry our doubt because God is in control, and my life verse is a great example of why I don't have to worry - God hasn't given me a spirit of worry and fear, because He's got it in control.

 

Finally, it reminds me that God's peace transcends all Earthly reasoning and understanding.  Especially in the past year with the miscarriage, the stress the Army has put on our family, money worries, car trouble, and everything else, there is absolutely no reason I should feel peace in the face of all of this stress.  And yet, while I may not have always been the picture of peace and nonchalance, I know that I had a lot more peace about these situations than most people would normally experience.  I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or to imply that I'm better at handling stress than anyone else, because that is by far the furthest thing from the truth!  In reality, I'm the definition of a stress case and can find ways to worry about even the smallest things.  I ride the struggle bus, and the struggle is real, people!  But this verse is a constant reminder of the peace, the "sound mind" that God has given me.  I've had people ask me how I can remain so calm, have so much faith, or how I handle it all.  It's not me at all.  Not one bit of it.  It's completely and totally a God thing, and one of the best things He has ever given me (ya know, beyond grace, forgiveness, grace, and salvation).  

 

I would be a mess without Him and without the spirit of power, love, and peace that He has given me.  This verse embodies everything that God has graced me with and is a daily reminder of why I don't have to worry about things - He has it in control!

So, what's your life verse?

2013 Highlights Reel

As usual, I'll end my year with a reflection.  I know it seems cliche, but as I'm going on my fourth year of writing this blog in January, it seems only right to finish up the calendar year and the blogging year all at once.  Also, the OCD in me requires things to be tied up with a nice little bow before I can close one chapter and start the next...

2013 was a year with a lot of ups and downs for us, and I think even that is an understatement.

Let's go to the highlights reel, shall we?

•  We survived our first North Country Winter this year, which involved more snow and colder temperatures than I had ever expected!
• We spent the year getting to know some of our new best friends at Fort Drum, who have now become our Army family.
• H reintroduced himself to fishing and filled our freezer with Pickerel and Northern Pike (which we still haven't eaten our way through - any one up for a New Year's fish fry?!)
• I started grad school and successfully completed my first semester with a 4.0 and all of my brain cells.
• We celebrated our second wedding anniversary!
• Even from far away, we got to watch our nephew grow from a rambunctious two year old who only spoke a few words here and there, to an even more rambunctious three year old who is so smart and handsome with a great sense of humor.  Watch out ladies!
• We celebrated both H's sister's engagement and my sister's engagement to some awesome guys.
• I became more involved in both PWOC and the FRG, which has opened some doors of opportunity for me and taught me a lot about who I am
• We finally had our first family camping trip, which we've been talking about doing for over 6 years now!
• We got our first dog (and then gave him back when his owner returned from deployment)
• H taught me how to change the oil in our Jeep (not sure if that's more of an accomplishment for me or him haha!)
• I know there's a ton more awesome things that we did, celebrated, learned, and experienced in 2013 that I'm missing, but bear with me since I still haven't had my morning coffee yet ;)

I wish that I could end my list of things we encountered in 2013 there, but life isn't always sunny that way.  This past year also brought some sadness and not-so-awesome experiences to us.  Thankfully, God is awesome when life isn't, and He has used (and continues to use) our circumstances for His purpose.  We experienced the joy and loss of our first baby, but in that He taught us patience, trust, and strengthened my faith beyond measure.  We watched one of our dearest friends get diagnosed with stage four cancer, but He's allowed that to help us support and strengthen their faith and relationship with God.  H went through multiple moves to different units and companies that has not helped his plan for early promotion or getting into the schools he wants in the timeliness that he wants, but God continues to give us what we need when we need it and we're trusting His plan above our own.

We struggled with stress, anger, disappointment, sadness, fear, doubt, and worry this year, but God has been gracious and has seen us through every single circumstance that we've experienced.  He has let us experience the good and the bad, and blessed us for our perseverance through both.  No, it definitely wasn't fun going through the not-so-awesomeness, and there were times where we questioned every part of what was happening and why it was happening.  But you know what?  God is good, and He never once let us struggle without His presence there to guide us and keep us going.

How can we appreciate the good times in our life without experiencing the bad times?

It's something that I've tried to remember when things suck.  If life was always sunny and we never had to experience bad times, then the good times wouldn't matter as much.  I don't know about you, but I find that I appreciate the good things more when they are few and far between (extra money, good hair days, a properly made pumpkin spice latte, you get the idea).  When good times are abundant, yes life is awesome and the stress levels run low, but eventually I stop appreciating the little blessings and good days.

When you throw in a few bad days to mix it up, I can honestly say that those good days are suddenly so much better and mean so much more in the long-run.

What 2013 our "best year ever"?  Not by a long shot!
Did it give us an opportunity to grow, to learn, and to appreciate the good days when they came?  Absolutely!

So what does 2014 hold for us?  I have absolutely no idea but I know that no matter what it is, God's already there.  How awesome is that?!

Wishing you and your family a very blessed (and safe!) New Year's Eve and 2014!

Holes in our Heart

A small baby, but a big hole.

So far, that's the most accurate sentiment for what I'm feeling.  At only 9 weeks (but measuring 6), our baby was the size of a lentil when we went into the ER for an ultrasound due to cramping and bleeding.  That was four days ago.  A lentil.  And yet the hole it's left in our hearts and our lives is so much bigger.

I don't think anyone goes into a pregnancy expecting a miscarriage.  But everyone goes in with the fear of it.  Monday night, our biggest fear came true.  Too much cramping and bleeding.  Four hours, a pelvic exam, an ultrasound, and a lot of tears later, we were sent home with discharge papers and an informational handout on "threatened miscarriage."  I wish I could say that things turned around after going home, but God had a different plan. 

For the past three days, we have been processing our loss.  Last night (Wednesday) was when our fear finally came full circle and I fully miscarried.  There's no better way to say it, no way to sugar coat it or make it sound more poetic than it is.  I miscarried our first pregnancy.  Our first baby.  And the biggest thing I have had to overcome through all of this processing is blaming myself.  But that's for another post...

There is no right or wrong way to process this, from what we've found.  There's no right or wrong way to feel.  There's no prescribed length of time it takes to get through this.  It's all a guessing game for us.  We're learning each moment of each day what's right for us, for our family, and how we process it.  I don't know if it will ever truly "go away" or "get better."  What I do know is that this has brought H and I closer, and has given us a new appreciation for the child that God will bless us with when the time is right. 

We're finding that our love is strong enough to overcome even the greatest loss.  And that you can never take your partner's love and strength for granted.  I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten through any of this without him by my side through it all.

We're finding that our faith is stronger than we realize.  And that God's plan is always greater, even if we can't see it or understand it.

And we're learning that the support of our friends and family is crucial.  No one ever really knows what to say when this happens, unless you've actually been through a miscarriage. Thank goodness for the support of a friend who has had her own share of heartache from the loss of a baby.  She let me cry, ask questions, grieve, and move forward with an openness that I appreciate more than she can ever know.  Nothing was off limits, and that's what I needed to help me process all of this.  And the constant support of my mother, my best friend, and my sister is something that I can never truly repay.  The patience, the understanding, the reminder that it's not my fault and that God has a bigger plan - I don't think I could have made it through all of this without their constant support and love.

Have we given up hope of being parents?  Not by a long shot.

As soon as we're ready, we're getting back on that horse and trusting God's timing.

But I don't think we'll ever forget our first Nugget baby, our first love and loss.  God had other plans for that baby, and has other plans for us.  If anything, this loss has taught us to lean even more on our faith in God and on each other for strength.  It's taught us that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is or if it makes sense to us. 

It's taught us that even the smallest baby can leave the biggest hole.

Momma's Day :)

It's that special Sunday where everyone remembers why they love the one woman who as loved them from the start - their mom.  I'm blessed to have a lot of really strong women in my life who have helped raise and influence me, so today I'll be taking time to talk about each one of them.

Being that it's Mother's Day, I'll start with my mom (of course!) and all the amazingness that she is.  The amount of patience this woman has is unfathomable considering all she's put up with between me and my sister over the years.  She's been the foundation that I've built my life upon and when I look at where I am in life, I know I wouldn't be where I am or who I am without her.  She taught me so much over the years: the importance of God in my life and always coming back to Him; how to properly plant a garden that actually looks good and lasts the summer; that sometimes you shouldn't try to dig up big bushes in the backyard if there's a chance a stick might stab you in the eye; how to cook a delicious meal using family recipes passed down through generations; that overdrawing your bank account not only causes financial problems but that it makes your mom REALLY mad; that even though she's REALLY mad forgiveness is still a part of loving someone; and that being a genuine, loving, compassionate person is more important that having every material item in the world.  She's my best friend who has been there for me when I've been overcome by sadness or needed to share something exciting in my life, she's been a role model for holding a marriage together, grounding yourself in God's love and truths, and having a heart for service to others.  I attribute my character, sense of humor, frizzy hair, and love of academics all to her, and I am so thankful to have her as my Momma.

Who taught my mom all this amazingness that she could pass on to me and my sister?  Why, her mother, of course.  My Grammy was an amazing woman, a true saint in her own right.  To this day, she is one of the strongest Christian women I have ever known, and was the true matriarch of our family.  She made birthday cakes for Jesus every Christmas, and kept oatmeal cookies on the kitchen counter at all times.  She could make you feel like the most important person in the world with her love and kind words, but wasn't afraid to put you in your place if you got out of line (and trust me, that wasn't something you wanted to hear from her!).  She spent her Sunday's watching NASCAR and TBN church services with her shotgun by her side, ready to take out any groundhog trying to dig holes in her yard.  She was the woman I called when I was home sick from school just to hear her tell me to drink water and eat crackers in my jammies till I felt better, the woman I ate pie and drank coffee with on Saturday afternoons when I had breaks and was home from college.  She yelled at me for getting a tattoo, then told me how cute the black ink butterfly on my shoulder actually was.  There isn't a day that goes by, even seven years later, that I don't think about her or see her influence somewhere in my life.  I know she's up in Heaven fussing over whether or not the angels have planted the spring flowers in the right spots of God's garden :)

I've been fortunate enough to have a few "adopted moms" growing up, too.  Joni and Kim, mothers to my best friends since we were just babies, have been there for me for the past 27 years.  From help planning secret parties for my parents, advice on everything from school to boys, even just keeping me in line when my own mom wasn't there and I felt like I could probably get away with something (so optimistic on my part, and yet so wrong haha!).  They both saw me as their own child, and made sure that if I needed something they would try their best to take care of me.  I'm beyond thankful for their influence, love, and guidance growing up and for seeing me as their own daughter.

I can't help but look at today with some optimism and butterflies in my tummy that maybe just maybe this will be my last mother's day without being a mommy.  One thing I know for sure is that I have had a lot of "lessons" over the years of what a good mother/mother figure should be thanks to my incredible mom and all the other amazing mother figures in my life.  If I can be even half the mother that these woman have added up to be, I know my child will be blessed beyond belief and will (hopefully) grow up with good character, strong faith, and a compassion for helping others.

My momma and me through the years!

Happy Mother's Day to all my friends who are mommies, mommies-to-be, have been an "adopted" mommy to another child, a role model, a teacher, or who have had any kind of positive influence on a child around them.  You have no idea how loved you truly are!

-M

Back to "normal"

It's really strange to go back to "normal" now that H is gone.  It's like I feel like so much has changed because of H leaving that it seems weird to try and go back to normal--how can things be normal when the most "normal" part of my world and my routine is gone?  Side note:  H is probably the furthest from "normal" I've ever met, but our abnormalness together creates our own version of normalcy.  Yeah, we're strange like that...

Going back to work today was nice.  It got me out of the house for the day, which is good because it means I'm not sitting around stewing in my own thoughts.  It was also really great to get back because I missed my coworkers and my kiddos a lot.  You don't realize how much joy these kids bring you until you need some cheering up--a 3-year-olds hug never fails to put a smile on my face!  But it was so strange to go back to work and go back to my normal routine when I still feel like everything has changed.

In reality, life is pretty much the same, minus the fact that my other half is a 16-hour drive away getting yelled at by drill sergeants.  Work is still work, my daily routine is still pretty much the same (minus seeing H, adding the gym), and my attitude about life in general hasn't changed (although  my faith and relationship with God is becoming stronger, which generally makes life a little better).  But some part of me feels strange trying to go back to normal without him here....

Weird.
xoxo, M

Excited for him, sad for me

It all seems very surreal that he's actually gone.  I don't know what's harder--the build-up to dropping him off at the recruiters, or being alone now that he's gone.  I'm still waiting for him to come walking through the door, or come out of the computer room, and nothing will have changed.  But some part of me knows that won't happen; some part of me knows that this is really happening and that our life in the Army has finally, actually begun.

I'm sad.  At least, I guess that's what I'm feeling.  Sometimes I think "sad" doesn't accurately describe it, but that's the closest I can come to finding the right word.  It feels like part of my heart is missing, which I suppose it is--it's located down in Georgia.  The house feels a lot bigger now that he's not here with me, and what's left of my heart feels heavy. 

At the same time, I am beyond excited for him.  This is his dream job; it's what he's wanted to do since he was little and he's spent his life learning about it, talking to soldiers, and preparing for this new adventure of ours.  That's how we're looking at it--as an "adventure" instead of "a period of separation."  I truly believe he was meant to be a soldier, and that his heart and his mind are in the right place for this, so how could I not be excited for him?  I'm so unbelievably proud of him and I can't wait to hear the stories in his letters of what he's going through and experiencing because I know that this is exactly what he wants to do and where he wants to be.  I'm so excited for him, even if I'm sad for me.

I won't let my sadness overpower me, or shadow my excitement for him.  I have a nice, long list of things I want to do while he's gone (which may or may not include purging his closet of certain clothes...), and I have some of the most supportive and loving friends and family to keep me busy.  It'll be nice to get back to work tomorrow and get back into the routine of things, too, although I am glad I took a couple days off to settle into things around here.  I have good books to read, craft projects to work on, a lizard cage to finish building, adventures to go on with my girlfriends, and an entire summer to spend with my family before PCS orders come in.  I know that I'm going to get through this and come out the other side with a smile on my face, so much love for my husband in my heart, and about 40 pounds missing from my body (oh yeah, I've got some weight loss plans for this time apart!)

I don't know what he's doing today; probably in-processing stuff at reception, maybe getting his uniform and a nice haircut/shave, and making new friends with his drill sergeants! ;)  But I know that he could use prayers for strength, endurance, and success while he's going through all of his training, so feel free to send some his way.  And I'm so thankful for all the support and love that our friends and family have shown us the past few days---I can't imagine trying to go through this without all of that love and support!

I am so proud of my husband, for his choices for our families future, and for his passion to serve and protect his country, and I am unbelievably excited  to see him succeed in this new adventure of ours!

Little Reminders

Why is it that when the weather gets all mopey like this, it's almost like the universe decides it's the perfect time to dump every possible problem into your lap?  Not cool.

Or maybe it's just the weather making me feel like all these problems are so much bigger than they really are.

I have to say, it does feel like the world scooped up a bunch of problems and dropped them all into my lap at once.  I won't go into all of them, but it was a stressful couple days around here, let me tell you!  Yesterday, this was the verse that showed up in my daily email:  "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done" -Philippians 4:6

I love when God sends me little reminders :)  I've been doing a lot of praying about money/job stuff, but I forgot about the "don't worry" part.  I'm a worrier.  A grade-A first class worrier.  If it was an Olympic sport, I'd have the gold.  If I had a dollar for every time I worried...you get the idea.  But when we worry, we aren't really letting God do His thing; instead, we're second guessing (whether we mean to or not) His ability to provide and come through for us.  Yesterday, within just a few hours after reading this email and remembering that God has always and will always take care of us, things started to clear up---my 2 biggest worries were consoled and appear to be taken care of!  Can't stop being thankful for these blessings!

Today in my email, this was my message:  "Then, when you call, the Lord will answer.  'Yes, I am here' He will quickly reply" -Isaiah 58:9.   Thanks God :)

I have so many reasons to be thankful and blessed, even when it seems like everything is a mess and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the week because of everything that's going on.  When I think about all the things that are coming in the next couple months, not to mention in the next year, I can't help but smile and realize just how blessed H and I really are.  I just have to remember to stay focused on those blessings and wonderful things to come, and remember that God is there, He's always there, and He's going to get me through the problems so I can truly enjoy the blessings!

Too blessed to be stressed!

262 Days.

That's how many days until my then-husband leaves for the Army. That's how many nights I have left to curl up next to him and fall asleep. That's how many mornings I get to wake up before him and make breakfast, then climb back into bed and cuddle for just a few more minutes. That's one Thanksgiving, one Christmas, one New Years, one Valentine's Day, and one birthday. 262 days.

March seems so far away. Forever away. But I know that time is going to fly, and I need to hold on to every minute between now and then. We have our wedding to look forward to, we have 262 more days together to watch our nephew grow up, and so many little things to treasure in the first 4 months of our marriage.

Thank God for support systems, friends and family, and a strong faith in God's plan for our lives. That's what's going to get us through the next 262 days (and then some)

If you can dodge a wrench...

Sometimes life can be so overwhelming. Just when you think everything is falling perfectly into place and working out, a wrench gets thrown in that makes everything come to a grinding halt. And then what?

Grad school: I was supposed to start my Masters classes at BGSU in less than a month. I'm only taking one class per semester because of the cost, and thankfully I'd received the TEACH Grant, which would pay for that one class each semester, plus books, plus parking, and give me a little bit extra to throw in the bank. Two days ago, I hop onto the financial aid site to see when my grant would be applied only to see that BG was going to give me one-quarter of the amount I was supposed to get. That means I'd have to come up with almost $1300 out of pocket to pay for the class, the books, and my parking pass...no bueno. When I call financial aid, there is basically nothing they will do for me, which in short means I have to withdraw from the university. No Masters degree for me...yet.

Army: H is having a harder time cutting weight to get his contract than he expected, which is pushing our plans further back. He took his ASVAB and got a very high score on it, which is great, but unless he cuts his body fat down to 22%, he can't get his specific contract; he'll have to go Ranger Airborne instead, and try for it later in his career. He's been working so hard, and he's already lost so much weight and body fat! He's at the leanest I've ever seen him (my future hubby is getting so sexy!) and he's so determined, but it's almost like he's stuck at 24%. He's giving himself 2 weeks (about 10 days left as I'm writing this) to make weight, or he's going with the Ranger Airborne contract--and thus deferring his dream contract.

Teaching: Week 3 of no English teacher jobs posted on the Ohio Department of Education's website for this area. It's so frustrating to know that I'm a dedicated, compassionate, creative teacher and I can't even show districts how amazing I would be because they don't have any positions to interview for, let alone hire me to fill. Lack of teaching jobs has forced me to start applying for random full-time and part-time jobs in the area--even food service. Yes, I'm that desperate. We have bills to pay, and at this point I'll do just about anything to pay them. Note: JUST ABOUT. Like Meatloaf, I would do anything...but I won't do that. So I'm unemployed, benefitless, and more than a little stressed about bills.

On the bright side, wedding things are going okay...well, as much as you can do when you're just having a JoP wedding before the Army consumers your life and family.

Even with all of these little wrenches thrown into our plans, I'm trying so hard to stay positive and trust that God isn't leaving us, He's certainly not forsaking us, and in the end His plan is bigger than any wrench that comes our way. Trust is so hard, though. It's like trying to see the road ahead when the fog is so thick you can't even see the lines in the road. You know there's something greater up ahead, and you know that if you keep moving you'll get there eventually, but it's so easy to lose sight of it when all you can focus on are the problems and barriers that are blocking your vision at that exact moment. I'm trying to believe past the fog right now, and wait patiently for God to clear the path, but faith is a funny thing. Just when you think you can't possibly have any more of it, God gives you another reason to trust Him and keep that faith strong.

Faithfully His...

Oh My, Oh May!

May is here! I love the month of May: it's my birthday, usually the weather becomes consistently nicer, Memorial Day weekend is usually a good time, and it means it's almost the end of the year! This year, there are a few added bonuses.

First, I turn 25 this year. I'm a quarter of a century old. Oddly, I like the feeling. This is the first year that I truly feel like an adult. I'm in my mid-twenties, I'm finishing up my first year in my career, and I'm getting married (well, okay, that's not till the end of the year technically). It's a good feeling, this whole stepping into adulthood and the big-kid phase of my life. But I feel like my 25th year is going to be a good one!

Memorial Day Weekend is going to be different for me this year. Normally, I go home to my parents' house for a cookout and bonfire and maybe some swimming, but this will be the first year I don't. H and I will be going that long weekend to go to Kalahari Resort in Sandusky. It's a huge indoor resort with a waterpark, spa, arcade, great restaurants, and African-themed rooms! It looks amazing, and we got a great deal--we've been saving since February for this, and I can't wait to go! It's going to be weird not going home, but it will be nice to have a little vacation somewhere fun, just us. We've never really done anything like this, and since he'll be in the Army next summer there's a 99.9% chance we won't get to do it next year, so we figure now's the time.

I get the "pleasure" of chaperoning prom this year, which is something new. It should be fun, and a great way to end out the year. The theme is "A Night in Paris" and we've ordered some really fun decorations. The kids are getting excited and already talking about their dresses and dates. The only reason I say "pleasure" like that is because when you're dealing with inner-city kids, most of your chaperoning at dances involves breaking up the overly-personal dancing these kids are doing. But it will be a fun end to the school year, and the kids are really excited so hopefully it will be fun.

And I'm sending up a million prayers that May will bring a second interview for a teaching job, or even a job offer!! I'm sending out applications weekly, jumping at every chance I find for an open position, and I'm waiting patiently to see what God sends my way for next year. Hopefully it involves advising a theater club or getting involved in another student organization. Whatever it is, I pray that it will be exactly what I need!

May is going to be a good month. As soon as all of this rain goes away...

In a Rut

I'm in a total rut. It's due to roughly 3 factors. In order to better understand what those factors are and how much of an impact they have, I've made the following pie chart. Do not be deceived...although pie usually makes people happy, this chart just makes me sad:

I have to get out of this rut. It's putting stress not just on me, but on H and our relationship in general. Who wants to be around the stressed out, unhappy girl? I don't blame him for feeling like this, but I refuse to let my stress that has nothing to do with our relationship cause stress for our relationship! So here's my "Get Out Of The Rut" Plan:

Step 1: Go to the gym every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday after work, no matter how tired or stressed I am. Even if it's just doing a few laps around the track and lifting the free weights, I'm going to the gym. It makes me feel better, it's good for me, and it's something fun that H and I can do together.

Step 2: Eat healthy again. You are what you eat. If I eat crap, I feel like crap. So no more crappy cafeteria lunches, no more fast food runs, and no more boxed mac n cheese, no matter how PMSie I feel.

Step 3: Get out of the house! I think sitting around the house is giving me cabin fever. I need to get out, even if it's just for walks around the block after dinner or going to the sorority house to visit friends for a little while. I can't be cooped up in here every day anymore--it's driving me crazy.

Step 4: Pray. We've gotten out of the habit of praying together before bed, and I think that it's reflecting in our relationship and in my mood. A lot of this stuff with work has caused me to question what exactly God's plan is and why He's put me here where I feel so abandoned, and admittedly I've stopped talking to God as much as I used to. I'm not losing my faith by any means, but I feel distant from Him and I don't like it. I want to put Him back at the center of my faith and my relationship with H again, where He belongs.

Plan starts immediately. I can't take one more minute of feeling like this. I'm tired of crying and wondering what's going on and why I feel this way. I'm tired of seeing H become stressed out because of my own mood and stress. And I refuse to let any more of this stress continue to keep H and I in a rut. So it starts now.

Nothing can steal my joy if I won't let it, and from now on I won't let it.

Looking Back

I can definitely say that 2010 was a CRAZY year for me! I learned a lot, had some interesting experiences, made a lot of new friends, started a career, and fell in love all over again. Here are some things that I learned this year:

-Trust God no matter what. He knows what He's doing, and in the end He's going to make things work out for you.
-Be patient. Good things come to those who wait.
-Don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel, good or bad, because in the end you have to do what's best for you.
-Love freely. Love who you love, when you love them, for whatever reason you love them. And if you can't stop loving someone, trust that God's got a reason for that.
-Apply for a million jobs until you land the right one.
-Have faith.
-Hold tight to your family, through good and bad. A wise woman once said "We'll get through this. We're a family, and that's what families do."
-Look for the little joys. They are what make life worth living.
-Yell when you need to. Cry if you have to. But don't ever go to bed angry.
-Forgive. Simple to say, hard to do, but essential to getting through life.
-Listen to your instincts/heart/conscience. Chances are they probably know what's going on.
-Say "I'm sorry."
-Find something to be thankful for every single day, even if it's something trivial. You'll be more aware of your blessings if you do this.
-Reconnect with old friends. It's worth it.
-Don't let the little bothers bring you down. It's not worth it.

I love this verse, and I think it completely summarizes 2010 for me:
"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as the other."
-Ecclesiastes 7:14-17


And now it's on to 2011! God's got BIG things in store for us, and I'm so excited to see what's going to happen.
Also, H and I have started a new blog for 2011. It's mostly me doing the updating, but it's to chronicle everything we have going on this coming year. This blog will obviously still be my priority; the other blog is a photo blog--1 picture a day for 365 days.

I pray that God blesses you and your family this coming year! See you in 2011!

The Interview from Heaven

It's funny how God teaches me lessons...

First off, let me explain that I did finally get a teaching job! I am the newest Title 1 English 9, 10, and 11 teacher at a charter school in Toledo. How I got this job is a little more interesting than the fact that I actually got a job.

About 2 weeks ago I got a call from this particular school telling me that they had my information and would like to set up an interview for 2 days later. At the time, I was so excited for an interview that I just accepted it and said "of course I'd like an interview!" but then I started thinking--I couldn't remember applying to this school. In fact, I had never actually heard of this school. So I check the Ohio Dept. of Education website to see when I had applied to this school. According to their site, I had never applied through them. Weird. But I checked out the school and it was completely the school setting I was looking for--the right student demographic, the right location, and they were interested in me (that last one is a quality I haven't found in most of the schools I've applied for...!)

So I went to my first interview. I'm sitting there waiting to be let in, and the man who opens the door to let me into the interview says "You look familiar...why do I know you?" Turns out that when I worked at the other charter school in Toledo, I had his son as one of my students. We start chatting about my experiences at the other charter school, and next thing I know we're just chatting and swapping stories very casually. He tells me "I'm not going to ask you these interview questions, because I know you can handle these kids if you've done well at another charter school." I leave an hour later having answered 3 of 15 questions and after a lovely conversation with him about students, experience, and life in general. Could not have asked for a better interview.

Three days later, I get a call. It was the dean of the school telling me that my first interview was very successful and that they would like to invite me back for a second interview. He then followed up by telling me that he was pretty sure that if I came to this second interview, it would probably lead to a job. I'm excited, intrigued, and still confused about how they got my information. I decided that the best thing to do was to thank God for the second interview and trust Him. If they got my information for the job in one of His mysterious ways, who am I to question it.

Second interview went like this:
Principal: It's nice to meet you, I'm Mrs. _________________. Looks like you had a great first interview. Tell me about your experiences with this kind of student demographic.
Me: Blah blah blah
Principal: Great. Well here's what the position is, and here's the salary.
Me: Sounds great to me, it's definitely something I'm interested in.
Principal: Okay, great. If you'd like to accept the position now, we can start your contract paperwork and I can show you your classroom.

After I got done picking my jaw up off of the floor, I accepted the position, got to meet a few fellow teachers, and visit my classroom. I may be new to this whole interview process thing, but I guess I just assumed that in a second interview they would ask more than one question before offering me the job? Hey, I'm not complaining! This is the PERFECT school for me! The right location and the student demographic are exactly what I'm looking for and where I've really felt that God was calling me to. Now it's actually happening.

Months of praying. And worrying. And praying that I stop worrying and trust God. And then worrying that I'm not trusting or praying enough. It's been a vicious cycle. And now, when it's literally 2 weeks before I would have to start training for a teaching job and prepping my classroom, God hands me an interview that is the answer to all of my prayers and is perfect for me.

It's funny how God has spent this summer really teaching me to trust Him and believe in His promises. My favorite quote this summer has been "Embracing the promises of God begins with the unshakable certainty that God will never forget His promises." Well, the past 3 months have been a giant lesson in unshakable certainty in trusting that God doesn't forget. And now, 3 months later, I am preparing to move back to BG to the perfect apartment so that I can begin the job that God has blessed me with, also perfect.

But then again, His blessings always are...
Also, I still don't know how they got my information. God works in mysterious ways, I suppose. :)

Still Waiting

It's been a very short, but drawn-out summer. Not in a bad way. It seems like the fun parts of this summer have gone by so fast--the family vacation camping in the woods, girls weekend, the nights out with my friends--which I suppose is typical. Time flies when you're having fun, right? But the serious parts, the parts that involve me being concerned with my future and a job, those are the ones that have been so drawn out.

If everything goes as planned** then I will be moving back to BG in about 5 weeks. That leaves me 5 weeks to figure out what I'm going to be doing when I move back to BG.

**"Planned" is a funny word. Is it the plan that I want, the plan that God wants, the plan that God is giving me because He knows the desires of my heart? For the purposes of this rambling post, lets assume it's the plan that God is going to provide me with after He has considered what my heart's desires are. Aaaaaaand break.

I have a few plans. Let's review:
Plan A: Get a full-time teaching job within an hour drive of BG
Plan A.2: Get accepted into graduate school at Toledo, take classes, and work as a substitute teacher
Plan B: Work as a substitute teacher and get another part time job so I can pay my bills
Plan C: Find a sugardaddy who can pay my bills for me (insert "Bills" by Destiny's Child here)
Plan Z: Move into my parents' house indefinitely, mooch off of them until OH joins the Army so I can live off of his paycheck and let him be my sugardaddy (again, insert "Bills" here)
Plan Z.2: Plan Z, only H leaves me (because he can't pay my bills, can't pay my telephone bills, can't pay my automo-bills...) and I end up being the crazy cat lady.

So there you have it; my future in a bullet-point list. Okay, not truly bullet-point, mainly because I can not figure out how to bullet-point my list, but you get the idea.

Up until recently, I had given up on Plan A and moved on to Plan A.2. I've submitted my application for grad school, picked out my program (English as a Second Language), and sent out my requests for letters of recommendation. Now I wait. In the meantime, I'm still filling out any teaching applications that come my way, just in case God decides to throw me something at the last minute. People tell me that it's okay to trust God to bring things my way, but I have to go out and put action into what I want, too. So here's my take on that: God knows what my true desires are, but I do have to put in my end of the deal--I have to put in the applications and trust Him to take those and put me where He wants me when He wants me there. So I've still been putting in the applications for teaching positions, as well as applications for other various jobs in the Toledo/BG area. Nothing so far has come through. While that's discouraging, to me it just means that God's got something else out there planned for me that will be perfect. So I wait. And I keep applying.

I spent yesterday applying for grad school, and randomly filled out an application for a position at a high school in the Toledo area. I figured that at this point, maybe God was steering me solely in the direction of taking classes and substitute teaching, but thought that I would keep my end of the deal and just keep turning in applications until I know what the plan is for sure. Today I got a call for an interview for this particular position! I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I've been brokenhearted about this kind of thing before. I'm just going to keep going forward with both the interview and pursuing my application to grad school and see what exactly God brings my way.

So. In summary:
-I have plans, some of which include teaching, some of which include cats.
-I have an interview on Monday and a graduate school application in-progress.
-I have a family and a boyfriend who support me through all of this, which is probably the only reason I haven't pulled all my hair out or given myself a bleeding ulcer.
-I have a wonderful Heavenly Father who is taking care of me and providing for me, even if it comes at the last minute. He's teaching me the importance of trusting Him and waiting on His timing. And as long as I continue to follow His word and focus on making my life glorify Him in everything I do, He will bless me with a final plan that takes the desires of my heart into consideration.

I might still be waiting, but I'm being blessed while I'm doing it! (And maybe I can pick up a cat along the way...)

Worry Warts Anonymous

I am a worrier by nature. Anyone who knows me well is nodding their head in agreement right now because once you get to know me, you realize just how true this statement is. Ever heard the phrase "stick with your strengths?" Well, worrying is my strength and I do it often--probably to the point of insanity (example: how many posts I have about worrying that I won't have a job in the fall.)

I don't know why I do it so much. I seriously worry about even the most simple and ridiculous things, like the outcome of a conversation (just because I think it went well doesn't necessarily mean the other person felt the same!) or the inflection of someone's voice (what exactly was meaning behind how they said "hello"--were they mad at me for some reason? Did I offend them with how I said hello? Do they secretly hate me?!) See? I'm out of control with this worrying thing! I seriously think I should enroll in "Worry Warts Anonymous"... do they have one of those?

I'm pretty sure God laughs at me constantly about this. I mean, seriously. He's made it clear that I don't have to worry about things because He's taking care of it, and what am I doing? Running around like a chicken with my head cut off worrying about whether or not a principal liked the way I introduced myself in a cover letter... Yup, He's getting a kick out of me! I'm trying so hard to just let things be and not worry about them, especially when it comes to my relationship with H and what kind of life I'm going to have come the middle of August (teaching, or continuing to leech off of my parents for groceries, gas, and free rent), but after about a week of not worrying, I break down. It's like a drug, like I can't go more than a week without worrying about it--I need my worrying fix!! I'll get the shakes and that twitchy look in my eyes (okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration...or is it?) and people start to question my sanity.

I feel like Joseph. He sat in jail for years waiting for God to rescue him and show him what His plan was, and felt like God wasn't there or wasn't listening. Joseph worried that he would be stuck in jail alone and forgotten and what did that mean for his life? Sometimes, I wonder the same thing--am I going to be stuck here, without a career in the fall, and then what will that mean for my life and for my future with H? Where is God, and why is He just letting me sit here and wait/fester with my worriness? At least I can go do things to try to get my mind off of it; poor Joseph was stuck in jail with nothing to do (at least I assume nothing to do. I mean, seriously, how much was there to do in an Egyptian jail back then?). But Genesis clearly says that even when Joseph was in jail "God was with him." He had a plan for Joseph's life, and even though Joseph felt like God was ignoring him and wasn't working on a plan for his life, in reality God was right there working behind the scenes to create a future for Joseph's life (and a pretty darn amazing one at that!) I guess that means that when I feel like God's just letting me sit here and wait and go through life as it is while He works on my greater plan. Worrying really isn't doing me any good I guess...

Does that mean I'll stop being a worry wart? Probably not. Let's be honest, a bad habit is hard to break. But I'm trying! And I'm trying to remember that the more I try to hold on to those worries, the less credit I'm giving God to take care of them. He's the Creator of all things!! For goodness sake, I'm pretty sure he can handle a few small things, like placing me in the right job for the fall, or strengthening my relationship with my future husband.

I just need to find my local chapter of Worry Warts Anonymous...okay, or maybe just pray for more faith and trust :)

Fear and Faith

I'm officially down to a size 11/12!! Hooray!! I'm on my way to single digits again! :)

I've been doing a lot of praying for both the weightloss and the job hunt, and my newest prayers is for God to replace my fear with faith. Fear is absolutely useless-- 1 John 4:18 says "But [His] perfect love drives out fear...the one who fears is not made in perfect love." I AM made in perfect love, in His perfect love, and therefore I need to get the fear out of my life. All it does is make me doubt and worry, and why should I need to worry when I have the perfect Creator of all things in control of my life? I don't have to! He has the best plans for me, and all worrying and stressing is going to do is tear me down and make me doubt. So, I'm going to let God replace my fear with faith and wait (as patiently as I can...maybe I should be praying for more patience too lol) for Him to show me the next step.

On that note, I continue to apply for teaching jobs and run/workout daily in hopes that His next step will come soon.

Faith totally kicks fear's butt, anyway.