Paul's Letter, Perspecitve, and Pity Parties

I want to be a grouch right now.
Yes, I realize that no one typically wants to be a grouch.
I do.  Right now.

I want to pout, to grump, to think of every little bad thing that could possible go wrong.  I want to throw a great big pity party, with only myself on the guest list - no one else is allowed.  I want to be a grouch all by myself.  This misery doesn't need company, I'm doing a fine job of grouching on my own.

I want to be a grouch.
But I can't.

Seriously.  I've been trying to sit here and put myself into a bad mood about all the things on my to do list, the things that have randomly popped into my mind today, the miscellaneous worries and "what if's".  But no matter how hard I try, God won't let me.

He challenges my "what-ifs" with "I've got this."
He rebuttals my "to-do's" with "but look at how I've blessed you and provided for you so far."
He squashes my "why not me yet?" with "My timing is perfect."

How can I possibly be grumpy and grouchy when my God is so powerful, so wonderful, so loving?  I can complain about the work that needs to be done to the Jeep or I can be thankful that He provided us with a 4-wheel drive vehicle right before moving to the North Country.  I can be bitter about all the pregnancy announcements on my newsfeed or I can be thankful that these amazing women are going to be even more amazing moms and know that I will get that chance in God's perfect timing.  I can stress about the growing to-do list on my fridge or I can be thankful that I have a house to take care of, a husband to cook dinner for, and that I don't have any physical problems keeping me from being able to take my puppy for a walk (and be thankful for God's promise of spring despite the bitter cold!)

It's all about perspective, something that I so quickly forget when I feel overwhelmed with life.  I can sit and complain about everything and throw myself a pity party, but really what does that get me?
A bad attitude.
A good radius away from everyone else in my life (because who wants to be around me like that?).
And the kind of perspective on life that takes for granted all the blessings that God has already given me and all that He's done to take care of me so far.  With a perspective and attitude like that, how in the world am I truly witnessing to others around me?  Am I representing Christ at that point, or am I just representing another person so wrapped up in themselves that there's no room for Christ's light to shine?

God's doing a lot lately to give me an attitude check and challenging me to look at my situation from a new perspective, with an attitude of gratitude through Christ-tinted glasses.  We've been studying Paul's letter to the church in Ephesus in PWOC (women's Bible study here on post), and the first chapter of Ephesians really hit me hard.  Paul spends the majority of the chapter reminding the Christians in Ephesus of all the blessings that God has already given them - they are children of God, adopted by Him into the kingdom of Heaven through the gifts of grace and mercy!  They have been redeemed by His blood, forgiven of their sins (no matter how bad), and chosen for the praise of His glory!  He has given them grace with wisdom and understanding of His Spirit!  God has blessed them with so much, and no matter what else happens, the Christians in Ephesus need to be reminded of that perspective to truly appreciate the plan that He has for their life.

Ya know what the best part about that is?

Wait for it.
It's gonna knock your socks off.

God gave us those exact same spiritual blessings!!

Seriously.
Okay, I know we aren't the church in Ephesus around 60 A.D., and Paul isn't writing to us from prison.  But these are the same blessings that God has given to all of His children, including you and me.  How awesome is that?!

And with all these spiritual blessings (not to mention all the non-spiritual blessings!), how in the world can I possibly look at a pile of laundry on the closet floor, a few dust bunnies under the coffee table, or the receipt for the car parts (which could have been A LOT more, thank you Jesus) and still feel like I need a pity party?

So instead, I'll put the party hats away for a birthday, suck my bottom lip in, and put a smile on my face.  Life could be a lot worse, but I don't have to focus on that - I can turn those sour moments into a chance to remember what God has already blessed me with.

It's all about perspective...

Life Verse

I recently heard someone use the term "life verse" about a particular scripture.  It's a term I'd never heard before, but after hearing it I had that "what did I ever do before finding _____" moment; what did I do without this term before?!

That got me thinking: What is my life verse?  Wait, do I even have a life verse?!
 Turns out, I do!  

To me, a life verse is more than just a go-to verse that I can quote forwards, backwards, and in Pig Latin that is my "go-to" verse to comfort people or make myself feel better.  I needed a verse that I could do all of the above with, but that also has a very specific meaning in my life and my walk with God, a verse that my relationship with God is founded upon and that God has used to strengthen my connection with Him.

Only one verse came to mind, and it's one that God has used so much in my life over the past.

The card in that picture is a Stop and Pray card (S.A.P, or sap, which is defined as something that gives life and energy, exactly what this verse does for me!) that a coworker and friend from the Montessori School of Bowling Green gave to me a few years back.    It spent some time tucked into the gauges console of my car where it was a constant reminder of God's peace, and it eventually made it into my Bible.  I read it every day as I do my devotionals, and as you can tell by the crinkles and folds in the card, it's been put to good use!

So why is this particular verse so special that I chose it above the other 31,000+ verses in the Bible?  First of all, it's a promise to me that God has not left me alone or forgotten about me.  This verse shows me that God has given me His Spirit to strengthen my own spirit.  He wants me to remember that the spirit He has given me is one that gives me His fruits of the Spirit, and that it is His promise and gift to me.

Second, it reminds me that fear and doubt do not come from God.  Unless you're new here, you probably already know that I could get an Olympic gold medal in worry and fear.  In 2 Corinthians 6, it says that darkness can not dwell in the Light; where the Lord dwells there can be nothing that is not of His Spirit, including fear and worry.  There are a million and one (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating.  But there are A LOT!) verses in the Bible about not needing to worry our doubt because God is in control, and my life verse is a great example of why I don't have to worry - God hasn't given me a spirit of worry and fear, because He's got it in control.

 

Finally, it reminds me that God's peace transcends all Earthly reasoning and understanding.  Especially in the past year with the miscarriage, the stress the Army has put on our family, money worries, car trouble, and everything else, there is absolutely no reason I should feel peace in the face of all of this stress.  And yet, while I may not have always been the picture of peace and nonchalance, I know that I had a lot more peace about these situations than most people would normally experience.  I'm not saying this to toot my own horn or to imply that I'm better at handling stress than anyone else, because that is by far the furthest thing from the truth!  In reality, I'm the definition of a stress case and can find ways to worry about even the smallest things.  I ride the struggle bus, and the struggle is real, people!  But this verse is a constant reminder of the peace, the "sound mind" that God has given me.  I've had people ask me how I can remain so calm, have so much faith, or how I handle it all.  It's not me at all.  Not one bit of it.  It's completely and totally a God thing, and one of the best things He has ever given me (ya know, beyond grace, forgiveness, grace, and salvation).  

 

I would be a mess without Him and without the spirit of power, love, and peace that He has given me.  This verse embodies everything that God has graced me with and is a daily reminder of why I don't have to worry about things - He has it in control!

So, what's your life verse?

2013 Highlights Reel

As usual, I'll end my year with a reflection.  I know it seems cliche, but as I'm going on my fourth year of writing this blog in January, it seems only right to finish up the calendar year and the blogging year all at once.  Also, the OCD in me requires things to be tied up with a nice little bow before I can close one chapter and start the next...

2013 was a year with a lot of ups and downs for us, and I think even that is an understatement.

Let's go to the highlights reel, shall we?

•  We survived our first North Country Winter this year, which involved more snow and colder temperatures than I had ever expected!
• We spent the year getting to know some of our new best friends at Fort Drum, who have now become our Army family.
• H reintroduced himself to fishing and filled our freezer with Pickerel and Northern Pike (which we still haven't eaten our way through - any one up for a New Year's fish fry?!)
• I started grad school and successfully completed my first semester with a 4.0 and all of my brain cells.
• We celebrated our second wedding anniversary!
• Even from far away, we got to watch our nephew grow from a rambunctious two year old who only spoke a few words here and there, to an even more rambunctious three year old who is so smart and handsome with a great sense of humor.  Watch out ladies!
• We celebrated both H's sister's engagement and my sister's engagement to some awesome guys.
• I became more involved in both PWOC and the FRG, which has opened some doors of opportunity for me and taught me a lot about who I am
• We finally had our first family camping trip, which we've been talking about doing for over 6 years now!
• We got our first dog (and then gave him back when his owner returned from deployment)
• H taught me how to change the oil in our Jeep (not sure if that's more of an accomplishment for me or him haha!)
• I know there's a ton more awesome things that we did, celebrated, learned, and experienced in 2013 that I'm missing, but bear with me since I still haven't had my morning coffee yet ;)

I wish that I could end my list of things we encountered in 2013 there, but life isn't always sunny that way.  This past year also brought some sadness and not-so-awesome experiences to us.  Thankfully, God is awesome when life isn't, and He has used (and continues to use) our circumstances for His purpose.  We experienced the joy and loss of our first baby, but in that He taught us patience, trust, and strengthened my faith beyond measure.  We watched one of our dearest friends get diagnosed with stage four cancer, but He's allowed that to help us support and strengthen their faith and relationship with God.  H went through multiple moves to different units and companies that has not helped his plan for early promotion or getting into the schools he wants in the timeliness that he wants, but God continues to give us what we need when we need it and we're trusting His plan above our own.

We struggled with stress, anger, disappointment, sadness, fear, doubt, and worry this year, but God has been gracious and has seen us through every single circumstance that we've experienced.  He has let us experience the good and the bad, and blessed us for our perseverance through both.  No, it definitely wasn't fun going through the not-so-awesomeness, and there were times where we questioned every part of what was happening and why it was happening.  But you know what?  God is good, and He never once let us struggle without His presence there to guide us and keep us going.

How can we appreciate the good times in our life without experiencing the bad times?

It's something that I've tried to remember when things suck.  If life was always sunny and we never had to experience bad times, then the good times wouldn't matter as much.  I don't know about you, but I find that I appreciate the good things more when they are few and far between (extra money, good hair days, a properly made pumpkin spice latte, you get the idea).  When good times are abundant, yes life is awesome and the stress levels run low, but eventually I stop appreciating the little blessings and good days.

When you throw in a few bad days to mix it up, I can honestly say that those good days are suddenly so much better and mean so much more in the long-run.

What 2013 our "best year ever"?  Not by a long shot!
Did it give us an opportunity to grow, to learn, and to appreciate the good days when they came?  Absolutely!

So what does 2014 hold for us?  I have absolutely no idea but I know that no matter what it is, God's already there.  How awesome is that?!

Wishing you and your family a very blessed (and safe!) New Year's Eve and 2014!

Purpose

I lost my baby.

It's been almost six weeks since our angel baby went home to be with Christ.  Six weeks of putting away the few baby items we had accumulated since finding out we were pregnant.  Six weeks of learning how to move forward and trust God.  Six weeks of watching friends and family who are pregnant hit milestones, get ultrasounds, and reveal genders that we don't get to experience right now.

And while that feels like six weeks of torture and pain, it's been a very enlightening six weeks for me.

God has spoken to me a lot during my healing time, and has opened my eyes to so much that He wants me to know.  He's shown me just how strong I really am, and how deep my faith in Him runs.  He's taught me what His timing means, and that when His time comes, the blessings will be perfect.  He's given me the opportunity to bless others and to be a witness of His provisions and strength.

One of the biggest things I struggled with through all of this was how I was supposed to praise God through this storm.  It's a song lyric I hear, a Christian sentiment that is passed on so often to remind us to stay strong through the dark times we experience.  But I quickly found it's much easier to say it than to do it.  How am I supposed to raise my hands and thank God for this overwhelming sadness?  What do I say in praise to Him when all I can do is cry and ask why?  How in the world am I supposed to be thankful that I had to fall in love with this little baby that I lost before I even had the chance to hold them?

It's not easy.
I don't even know if I did it right.
And at first, praising Him through all of this was almost as painful as the loss itself, especially when all I wanted to do was yell at Him for letting me experience all of this, only to have it taken away.

So I was honest with Him.  I told Him how I had no idea how I was supposed to praise Him and be thankful through all of this pain and anger.  I asked Him to give me the words of praise because I didn't even know what to say.  I thanked Him for letting me be a mommy to this little baby, even if it was only for 9 weeks.  For days, those few statements were all I could manage.  But that's all it took.  He began to open my eyes to the strength He was giving me, and the trust I was putting in Him to bless us in His perfect timing.  He reminded me that every tear I've cried, He's holding in His hands along with our Nugget.  And He showed me that through it all, He was my rock, my salvation, and my saving grace that knows the desires of my heart as I seek Him.  Eventually, my prayers became less about why this happened, and more about thanking God for His bigger plan, even if I couldn't see it or understand it.

Without a doubt, God has used this loss to not only show me how strong I am through Him, but to allow me to be a light to others who don't understand how I can find peace and strength through all of this sadness.

I lost my baby.
My heart still aches for the little one I will never get to hold during my time on this Earth.
But I know that God has used this loss for His glory and for His bigger plan, and I find so much security and joy in knowing that if even one person in my life had a clearer understanding of where my peace, strength, and comfort comes from, then I know that my loss is His gain.

Holes in our Heart

A small baby, but a big hole.

So far, that's the most accurate sentiment for what I'm feeling.  At only 9 weeks (but measuring 6), our baby was the size of a lentil when we went into the ER for an ultrasound due to cramping and bleeding.  That was four days ago.  A lentil.  And yet the hole it's left in our hearts and our lives is so much bigger.

I don't think anyone goes into a pregnancy expecting a miscarriage.  But everyone goes in with the fear of it.  Monday night, our biggest fear came true.  Too much cramping and bleeding.  Four hours, a pelvic exam, an ultrasound, and a lot of tears later, we were sent home with discharge papers and an informational handout on "threatened miscarriage."  I wish I could say that things turned around after going home, but God had a different plan. 

For the past three days, we have been processing our loss.  Last night (Wednesday) was when our fear finally came full circle and I fully miscarried.  There's no better way to say it, no way to sugar coat it or make it sound more poetic than it is.  I miscarried our first pregnancy.  Our first baby.  And the biggest thing I have had to overcome through all of this processing is blaming myself.  But that's for another post...

There is no right or wrong way to process this, from what we've found.  There's no right or wrong way to feel.  There's no prescribed length of time it takes to get through this.  It's all a guessing game for us.  We're learning each moment of each day what's right for us, for our family, and how we process it.  I don't know if it will ever truly "go away" or "get better."  What I do know is that this has brought H and I closer, and has given us a new appreciation for the child that God will bless us with when the time is right. 

We're finding that our love is strong enough to overcome even the greatest loss.  And that you can never take your partner's love and strength for granted.  I honestly have no idea how I would have gotten through any of this without him by my side through it all.

We're finding that our faith is stronger than we realize.  And that God's plan is always greater, even if we can't see it or understand it.

And we're learning that the support of our friends and family is crucial.  No one ever really knows what to say when this happens, unless you've actually been through a miscarriage. Thank goodness for the support of a friend who has had her own share of heartache from the loss of a baby.  She let me cry, ask questions, grieve, and move forward with an openness that I appreciate more than she can ever know.  Nothing was off limits, and that's what I needed to help me process all of this.  And the constant support of my mother, my best friend, and my sister is something that I can never truly repay.  The patience, the understanding, the reminder that it's not my fault and that God has a bigger plan - I don't think I could have made it through all of this without their constant support and love.

Have we given up hope of being parents?  Not by a long shot.

As soon as we're ready, we're getting back on that horse and trusting God's timing.

But I don't think we'll ever forget our first Nugget baby, our first love and loss.  God had other plans for that baby, and has other plans for us.  If anything, this loss has taught us to lean even more on our faith in God and on each other for strength.  It's taught us that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is or if it makes sense to us. 

It's taught us that even the smallest baby can leave the biggest hole.

Waiting...

It feels like I'm waiting for everything right now!

I'm waiting to have my first ultrasound and hear my little Nugget's heartbeat.
I'm waiting to tell all of our friends and family (minus a few select secret keepers!) our good news
I'm waiting to start feeling morning sickness...okay, "waiting" isn't the best term.  But I know it's coming soon, so every morning I wake up expecting to feel sick and I'm waiting for the day it happens.

This part of the pregnancy is mentally trying! I just want to see Nugget and hear his/her heartbeat so that we can start telling the good news to all of our friends, and I can stop saving all of these posts as drafts and actually publish them.  The worst part is we haven't told our sisters yet, and I feel like I might explode not telling them!

Nothing much has changed in terms of symptoms.  Still no morning sickness, but I'm finding if I eat too much I get nauseous.  Still can't eat eggs.  Still eating Tums like it's candy and getting up three or four times a night to pee (probably TMI lol).  I just want to shout to the world that our family is starting and we have a little Nugget joining us in April!

Allergies, or is Baby K already trolling me...

My little Nugget is quite the troll and he isn't even here yet.

I've always had acid reflux issues, and Tums are my BFF.  But the heartburn I have had since finding out I was preggers makes my acid reflux look like the hiccups.  That, combined with the feeling like I need to take naps at the most random times, and the allergies that make it almost impossible to be outside, and I feel like my body is turning on me.

I'm not complaining, trust me.  I knew coming into this that these kinds of symptoms were commonplace for pregnancy and with how much we've wanted to start our family, I knew I was asking for this kind of stuff.  But I didn't realize how much my body would change with little things like this, or how quickly it would all happen.

I'm at five weeks, and I can already tell there's some ch-ch-ch-chaaanges (sing it!) going on.  Like the fact that all of a sudden, I can't eat regular-sized meals like I could 2 weeks ago.  For example, we had steak for dinner last night, along with mashed potatoes and cantaloupe.  Two weeks ago, I could have easily eaten the majority of my steak, all of my potatoes, and some melon without any problems.  Last night?  A third (maybe) of my steak, half my potatoes, and 3 small pieces of melon.  What the heck, Nugget, shouldn't you be hungry if you're going through a major growth spurt right now, especially for one of my favorite foods?!  And even after just that small portion of food, I felt bloated.  But you better believe about an hour later I could tell I was hungry again.  It's so weird; my body has never been like that, but I guess it's all part of the mommyhood territory.  Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm hungry or mildly nauseous, although I have to be thankful that I haven't experienced morning sickness yet (knocking on the wooden desk in the office as we speak!).  And I learned that scrambled eggs are a major no-go for me right now.

It's weird that two weeks ago, none of this was an issue.  I could eat normal, had my usual heartburn symptoms, and rarely felt bloated or nauseous.  In the matter of two weeks of Nugget growing, though, it's like my body has done a complete 180 and I don't even know it anymore.  It's weird.  And I know there's still more changes to come, but it's kind of like these little changes make the fact that I'm actually pregnant feel so much more real... and that I definitely don't mind :)

xoxo, M