Well, I did it! I survived my first day of teaching high school in my very own classroom!
This post won't be very long, because I'm absolutely exhausted, but I wanted to make sure to count my blessings on this one.
First of all, my co-workers are amazing. Not only are they easy to relate to and so much fun to be around, but since most of us are first-year or second-year teachers, it's like we're all in this adventure together. It's good to have that kind of support and companionship, especially in a brand new job that can seem a little overwhelming.
The kids seem pretty cool. I had to throw one out today for being disrespectful, but other than that I really like my (few) students I had today. Attendance was down because a lot of our students didn't realize it was the first day of school. While that might seem odd at a traditional high school, it's not uncommon at an inner-city charter school. And while attendance was low today, the students who I did have seem to be cool and I hopefully have started a good rapport with them. That's so important with a student demographic like this, and I think I'm off to a good start! :)
Today was long, though. I got to school at about 7:10am and didn't leave until 6:30pm because I teach both day school and evening school. I know that this is going to be a challenge for me, but in the end I think it will be worth it (if for no other reason than the extra paycheck to help pay down loans). But I'm definitely exhausted after today!
At least I came home to a nice dinner that H cooked for me--he's so good at taking care of me when I'm tired or stressed. That's definitely another blessing. It's so good to have such an amazing boyfriend beside me who not only supports me in so many ways, but who also is there to help me recoup after a long day. God has truly blessed me with our relationship.
Overall, a wonderful first day of teaching! So many things to be thankful for, and while this year is probably going to be stressful and tiring, I'm excited to see what adventures it brings!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Being Thankful
Every morning, I wake up to a great woman's devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries to start my day. It's been a wonderful way for me to focus on God in the morning and really start my day off on a positive note. Often, the devotional I wake up to has a message or a verse that is so pertinent to what I've been dealing with in life, and I know that it's truly a word from God straight to me.
Today was one of those messages.
I am outwardly a confident person, but I have a lot of insecurities that I don't like to share. For the past few weeks, I can feel Satan really pulling at those insecurities and making them bigger in my mind, which is slowly tearing me apart. It's hard to focus on all the blessings and positive things that God is doing when I've got these negatives pulling at me in the back of my mind. Today's devotional talked about focusing on being thankful, even when all you can think of are the negatives, because when you thank God for what He's given you (even when it's only one or two things you can think of) He will multiply it and drive out your focus on the negatives.
Today, I am thankful for the following (and so much more than I know I've left out):
-Family who has been my biggest and loudest supporter in everything I have attempted - success or fail - and who has always driven me to try my best and reach for the stars. Also, for all the emotional/financial support they have given me over the past 6 years as I struggled through some hard times. I didn't deserve any of it, but they were always there no matter what.
-A relationship with H that I truly believe has been blessed by God. He has brought us together and continues to bless us as we focus on making Him the foundation of our life together. H is a man who is strong in his beliefs, and he supports and pushes me to be stronger in mine. God has given me a partner who wants the same things: to raise a family grounded in Christian teachings, to find a church that we can worship at together, and to support each other through love and prayer.
-A job that I still don't know how I got, but I am firmly believing God provided for me.
-A sister who I can call my best friend, no matter how much we argue or drive each other crazy.
-My church family and friends who support me through prayer, love, and fellowship.
-So so so much more!!
Today, I refuse to let Satan continue pulling at my insecurities. Darkness can not exist where God's light resides, and I am praying for more of God's light in my life so that Satan can not even get a glimpse at my doubts and insecurities. God has truly blessed me so much, and I need to focus on that and be thankful--my thoughts, my body, my heart all belong to Christ and Satan has NO power over them!! Amen!
Today was one of those messages.
I am outwardly a confident person, but I have a lot of insecurities that I don't like to share. For the past few weeks, I can feel Satan really pulling at those insecurities and making them bigger in my mind, which is slowly tearing me apart. It's hard to focus on all the blessings and positive things that God is doing when I've got these negatives pulling at me in the back of my mind. Today's devotional talked about focusing on being thankful, even when all you can think of are the negatives, because when you thank God for what He's given you (even when it's only one or two things you can think of) He will multiply it and drive out your focus on the negatives.
Today, I am thankful for the following (and so much more than I know I've left out):
-Family who has been my biggest and loudest supporter in everything I have attempted - success or fail - and who has always driven me to try my best and reach for the stars. Also, for all the emotional/financial support they have given me over the past 6 years as I struggled through some hard times. I didn't deserve any of it, but they were always there no matter what.
-A relationship with H that I truly believe has been blessed by God. He has brought us together and continues to bless us as we focus on making Him the foundation of our life together. H is a man who is strong in his beliefs, and he supports and pushes me to be stronger in mine. God has given me a partner who wants the same things: to raise a family grounded in Christian teachings, to find a church that we can worship at together, and to support each other through love and prayer.
-A job that I still don't know how I got, but I am firmly believing God provided for me.
-A sister who I can call my best friend, no matter how much we argue or drive each other crazy.
-My church family and friends who support me through prayer, love, and fellowship.
-So so so much more!!
Today, I refuse to let Satan continue pulling at my insecurities. Darkness can not exist where God's light resides, and I am praying for more of God's light in my life so that Satan can not even get a glimpse at my doubts and insecurities. God has truly blessed me so much, and I need to focus on that and be thankful--my thoughts, my body, my heart all belong to Christ and Satan has NO power over them!! Amen!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
The Interview from Heaven
It's funny how God teaches me lessons...
First off, let me explain that I did finally get a teaching job! I am the newest Title 1 English 9, 10, and 11 teacher at a charter school in Toledo. How I got this job is a little more interesting than the fact that I actually got a job.
About 2 weeks ago I got a call from this particular school telling me that they had my information and would like to set up an interview for 2 days later. At the time, I was so excited for an interview that I just accepted it and said "of course I'd like an interview!" but then I started thinking--I couldn't remember applying to this school. In fact, I had never actually heard of this school. So I check the Ohio Dept. of Education website to see when I had applied to this school. According to their site, I had never applied through them. Weird. But I checked out the school and it was completely the school setting I was looking for--the right student demographic, the right location, and they were interested in me (that last one is a quality I haven't found in most of the schools I've applied for...!)
So I went to my first interview. I'm sitting there waiting to be let in, and the man who opens the door to let me into the interview says "You look familiar...why do I know you?" Turns out that when I worked at the other charter school in Toledo, I had his son as one of my students. We start chatting about my experiences at the other charter school, and next thing I know we're just chatting and swapping stories very casually. He tells me "I'm not going to ask you these interview questions, because I know you can handle these kids if you've done well at another charter school." I leave an hour later having answered 3 of 15 questions and after a lovely conversation with him about students, experience, and life in general. Could not have asked for a better interview.
Three days later, I get a call. It was the dean of the school telling me that my first interview was very successful and that they would like to invite me back for a second interview. He then followed up by telling me that he was pretty sure that if I came to this second interview, it would probably lead to a job. I'm excited, intrigued, and still confused about how they got my information. I decided that the best thing to do was to thank God for the second interview and trust Him. If they got my information for the job in one of His mysterious ways, who am I to question it.
Second interview went like this:
Principal: It's nice to meet you, I'm Mrs. _________________. Looks like you had a great first interview. Tell me about your experiences with this kind of student demographic.
Me: Blah blah blah
Principal: Great. Well here's what the position is, and here's the salary.
Me: Sounds great to me, it's definitely something I'm interested in.
Principal: Okay, great. If you'd like to accept the position now, we can start your contract paperwork and I can show you your classroom.
After I got done picking my jaw up off of the floor, I accepted the position, got to meet a few fellow teachers, and visit my classroom. I may be new to this whole interview process thing, but I guess I just assumed that in a second interview they would ask more than one question before offering me the job? Hey, I'm not complaining! This is the PERFECT school for me! The right location and the student demographic are exactly what I'm looking for and where I've really felt that God was calling me to. Now it's actually happening.
Months of praying. And worrying. And praying that I stop worrying and trust God. And then worrying that I'm not trusting or praying enough. It's been a vicious cycle. And now, when it's literally 2 weeks before I would have to start training for a teaching job and prepping my classroom, God hands me an interview that is the answer to all of my prayers and is perfect for me.
It's funny how God has spent this summer really teaching me to trust Him and believe in His promises. My favorite quote this summer has been "Embracing the promises of God begins with the unshakable certainty that God will never forget His promises." Well, the past 3 months have been a giant lesson in unshakable certainty in trusting that God doesn't forget. And now, 3 months later, I am preparing to move back to BG to the perfect apartment so that I can begin the job that God has blessed me with, also perfect.
But then again, His blessings always are...
Also, I still don't know how they got my information. God works in mysterious ways, I suppose. :)
First off, let me explain that I did finally get a teaching job! I am the newest Title 1 English 9, 10, and 11 teacher at a charter school in Toledo. How I got this job is a little more interesting than the fact that I actually got a job.
About 2 weeks ago I got a call from this particular school telling me that they had my information and would like to set up an interview for 2 days later. At the time, I was so excited for an interview that I just accepted it and said "of course I'd like an interview!" but then I started thinking--I couldn't remember applying to this school. In fact, I had never actually heard of this school. So I check the Ohio Dept. of Education website to see when I had applied to this school. According to their site, I had never applied through them. Weird. But I checked out the school and it was completely the school setting I was looking for--the right student demographic, the right location, and they were interested in me (that last one is a quality I haven't found in most of the schools I've applied for...!)
So I went to my first interview. I'm sitting there waiting to be let in, and the man who opens the door to let me into the interview says "You look familiar...why do I know you?" Turns out that when I worked at the other charter school in Toledo, I had his son as one of my students. We start chatting about my experiences at the other charter school, and next thing I know we're just chatting and swapping stories very casually. He tells me "I'm not going to ask you these interview questions, because I know you can handle these kids if you've done well at another charter school." I leave an hour later having answered 3 of 15 questions and after a lovely conversation with him about students, experience, and life in general. Could not have asked for a better interview.
Three days later, I get a call. It was the dean of the school telling me that my first interview was very successful and that they would like to invite me back for a second interview. He then followed up by telling me that he was pretty sure that if I came to this second interview, it would probably lead to a job. I'm excited, intrigued, and still confused about how they got my information. I decided that the best thing to do was to thank God for the second interview and trust Him. If they got my information for the job in one of His mysterious ways, who am I to question it.
Second interview went like this:
Principal: It's nice to meet you, I'm Mrs. _________________. Looks like you had a great first interview. Tell me about your experiences with this kind of student demographic.
Me: Blah blah blah
Principal: Great. Well here's what the position is, and here's the salary.
Me: Sounds great to me, it's definitely something I'm interested in.
Principal: Okay, great. If you'd like to accept the position now, we can start your contract paperwork and I can show you your classroom.
After I got done picking my jaw up off of the floor, I accepted the position, got to meet a few fellow teachers, and visit my classroom. I may be new to this whole interview process thing, but I guess I just assumed that in a second interview they would ask more than one question before offering me the job? Hey, I'm not complaining! This is the PERFECT school for me! The right location and the student demographic are exactly what I'm looking for and where I've really felt that God was calling me to. Now it's actually happening.
Months of praying. And worrying. And praying that I stop worrying and trust God. And then worrying that I'm not trusting or praying enough. It's been a vicious cycle. And now, when it's literally 2 weeks before I would have to start training for a teaching job and prepping my classroom, God hands me an interview that is the answer to all of my prayers and is perfect for me.
It's funny how God has spent this summer really teaching me to trust Him and believe in His promises. My favorite quote this summer has been "Embracing the promises of God begins with the unshakable certainty that God will never forget His promises." Well, the past 3 months have been a giant lesson in unshakable certainty in trusting that God doesn't forget. And now, 3 months later, I am preparing to move back to BG to the perfect apartment so that I can begin the job that God has blessed me with, also perfect.
But then again, His blessings always are...
Also, I still don't know how they got my information. God works in mysterious ways, I suppose. :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
What a Shame...
I just read this, and it makes my heart break for girls all over the country:
Forever21 Store Now Calling Size 12 and Up "Plus Size"
Is this what our society has come to? The average American woman is a size 14. Granted, a size 14 can vary between clothing lines and designers. But according to Wikipedia, the average measurements for an American woman are:
-39 bust
-31 waist
-41 1/2 hip
According to the original standardized size charts created in the 1950's, this is roughly between a size 12 and 14. However, because American clothing lines have strayed so drastically from this standardized sizing, these measurements now fit a size 14/16. However, the fact still remains that the Average American Woman (AAW) can classify herself as a size 14 by traditional American catalog sizing standards. (Info from Wikipedia)
According to Forever21 size charts, these measurements are the equivalent of an XL or a size 16. Most clothing retailers would consider a size 16 to be the smallest in the plus size section. However, at Forever21, it's now a size 12 (this is a "large" in their clothing line) that is considered to be the smallest size in their "plus size" section. In fact, if you walk into a Forever21 and ask for a size 12, you will be directed to their plus size section (or as they refer to it, the "expanded sizes" section).
So now, young girls who are still smaller than the AAW and are by NO MEANS overweight are going to be told that they need to start shopping in the "plus" section---oops, excuse me. The expanded sizes section (as if calling it something different will make these girls' self-esteem any better).
I don't want to sit here and blame the media or clothing lines or designers for the increase in eating disorders and self-mutilation among teenager girls over the past 2 decades. Because pointing fingers at this point will not take back any of the damage that has been done to their self-esteem or body image. But at this point, we need to be focusing on stopping this disgusting trend and fixing the damage that has been done. Forever21 is not only perpetuating this horrible trend, but is taking a huge step towards creating an all-new generation of girls who think that being smaller than the AAW is still too large. My heart is breaking for the girls who will be effected by Forever21's awful decision.
I'm making a personal choice not to purchase clothing from Forever21 because of this. I will not support a company who will perpetuate the negativity that society portrays for teenage girls and their body image. I hope that you will consider doing the same.
Forever21 Store Now Calling Size 12 and Up "Plus Size"
Is this what our society has come to? The average American woman is a size 14. Granted, a size 14 can vary between clothing lines and designers. But according to Wikipedia, the average measurements for an American woman are:
-39 bust
-31 waist
-41 1/2 hip
According to the original standardized size charts created in the 1950's, this is roughly between a size 12 and 14. However, because American clothing lines have strayed so drastically from this standardized sizing, these measurements now fit a size 14/16. However, the fact still remains that the Average American Woman (AAW) can classify herself as a size 14 by traditional American catalog sizing standards. (Info from Wikipedia)
According to Forever21 size charts, these measurements are the equivalent of an XL or a size 16. Most clothing retailers would consider a size 16 to be the smallest in the plus size section. However, at Forever21, it's now a size 12 (this is a "large" in their clothing line) that is considered to be the smallest size in their "plus size" section. In fact, if you walk into a Forever21 and ask for a size 12, you will be directed to their plus size section (or as they refer to it, the "expanded sizes" section).
So now, young girls who are still smaller than the AAW and are by NO MEANS overweight are going to be told that they need to start shopping in the "plus" section---oops, excuse me. The expanded sizes section (as if calling it something different will make these girls' self-esteem any better).
I don't want to sit here and blame the media or clothing lines or designers for the increase in eating disorders and self-mutilation among teenager girls over the past 2 decades. Because pointing fingers at this point will not take back any of the damage that has been done to their self-esteem or body image. But at this point, we need to be focusing on stopping this disgusting trend and fixing the damage that has been done. Forever21 is not only perpetuating this horrible trend, but is taking a huge step towards creating an all-new generation of girls who think that being smaller than the AAW is still too large. My heart is breaking for the girls who will be effected by Forever21's awful decision.
I'm making a personal choice not to purchase clothing from Forever21 because of this. I will not support a company who will perpetuate the negativity that society portrays for teenage girls and their body image. I hope that you will consider doing the same.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Still Waiting
It's been a very short, but drawn-out summer. Not in a bad way. It seems like the fun parts of this summer have gone by so fast--the family vacation camping in the woods, girls weekend, the nights out with my friends--which I suppose is typical. Time flies when you're having fun, right? But the serious parts, the parts that involve me being concerned with my future and a job, those are the ones that have been so drawn out.
If everything goes as planned** then I will be moving back to BG in about 5 weeks. That leaves me 5 weeks to figure out what I'm going to be doing when I move back to BG.
**"Planned" is a funny word. Is it the plan that I want, the plan that God wants, the plan that God is giving me because He knows the desires of my heart? For the purposes of this rambling post, lets assume it's the plan that God is going to provide me with after He has considered what my heart's desires are. Aaaaaaand break.
I have a few plans. Let's review:
Plan A: Get a full-time teaching job within an hour drive of BG
Plan A.2: Get accepted into graduate school at Toledo, take classes, and work as a substitute teacher
Plan B: Work as a substitute teacher and get another part time job so I can pay my bills
Plan C: Find a sugardaddy who can pay my bills for me (insert "Bills" by Destiny's Child here)
Plan Z: Move into my parents' house indefinitely, mooch off of them until OH joins the Army so I can live off of his paycheck and let him be my sugardaddy (again, insert "Bills" here)
Plan Z.2: Plan Z, only H leaves me (because he can't pay my bills, can't pay my telephone bills, can't pay my automo-bills...) and I end up being the crazy cat lady.
So there you have it; my future in a bullet-point list. Okay, not truly bullet-point, mainly because I can not figure out how to bullet-point my list, but you get the idea.
Up until recently, I had given up on Plan A and moved on to Plan A.2. I've submitted my application for grad school, picked out my program (English as a Second Language), and sent out my requests for letters of recommendation. Now I wait. In the meantime, I'm still filling out any teaching applications that come my way, just in case God decides to throw me something at the last minute. People tell me that it's okay to trust God to bring things my way, but I have to go out and put action into what I want, too. So here's my take on that: God knows what my true desires are, but I do have to put in my end of the deal--I have to put in the applications and trust Him to take those and put me where He wants me when He wants me there. So I've still been putting in the applications for teaching positions, as well as applications for other various jobs in the Toledo/BG area. Nothing so far has come through. While that's discouraging, to me it just means that God's got something else out there planned for me that will be perfect. So I wait. And I keep applying.
I spent yesterday applying for grad school, and randomly filled out an application for a position at a high school in the Toledo area. I figured that at this point, maybe God was steering me solely in the direction of taking classes and substitute teaching, but thought that I would keep my end of the deal and just keep turning in applications until I know what the plan is for sure. Today I got a call for an interview for this particular position! I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I've been brokenhearted about this kind of thing before. I'm just going to keep going forward with both the interview and pursuing my application to grad school and see what exactly God brings my way.
So. In summary:
-I have plans, some of which include teaching, some of which include cats.
-I have an interview on Monday and a graduate school application in-progress.
-I have a family and a boyfriend who support me through all of this, which is probably the only reason I haven't pulled all my hair out or given myself a bleeding ulcer.
-I have a wonderful Heavenly Father who is taking care of me and providing for me, even if it comes at the last minute. He's teaching me the importance of trusting Him and waiting on His timing. And as long as I continue to follow His word and focus on making my life glorify Him in everything I do, He will bless me with a final plan that takes the desires of my heart into consideration.
I might still be waiting, but I'm being blessed while I'm doing it! (And maybe I can pick up a cat along the way...)
If everything goes as planned** then I will be moving back to BG in about 5 weeks. That leaves me 5 weeks to figure out what I'm going to be doing when I move back to BG.
**"Planned" is a funny word. Is it the plan that I want, the plan that God wants, the plan that God is giving me because He knows the desires of my heart? For the purposes of this rambling post, lets assume it's the plan that God is going to provide me with after He has considered what my heart's desires are. Aaaaaaand break.
I have a few plans. Let's review:
Plan A: Get a full-time teaching job within an hour drive of BG
Plan A.2: Get accepted into graduate school at Toledo, take classes, and work as a substitute teacher
Plan B: Work as a substitute teacher and get another part time job so I can pay my bills
Plan C: Find a sugardaddy who can pay my bills for me (insert "Bills" by Destiny's Child here)
Plan Z: Move into my parents' house indefinitely, mooch off of them until OH joins the Army so I can live off of his paycheck and let him be my sugardaddy (again, insert "Bills" here)
Plan Z.2: Plan Z, only H leaves me (because he can't pay my bills, can't pay my telephone bills, can't pay my automo-bills...) and I end up being the crazy cat lady.
So there you have it; my future in a bullet-point list. Okay, not truly bullet-point, mainly because I can not figure out how to bullet-point my list, but you get the idea.
Up until recently, I had given up on Plan A and moved on to Plan A.2. I've submitted my application for grad school, picked out my program (English as a Second Language), and sent out my requests for letters of recommendation. Now I wait. In the meantime, I'm still filling out any teaching applications that come my way, just in case God decides to throw me something at the last minute. People tell me that it's okay to trust God to bring things my way, but I have to go out and put action into what I want, too. So here's my take on that: God knows what my true desires are, but I do have to put in my end of the deal--I have to put in the applications and trust Him to take those and put me where He wants me when He wants me there. So I've still been putting in the applications for teaching positions, as well as applications for other various jobs in the Toledo/BG area. Nothing so far has come through. While that's discouraging, to me it just means that God's got something else out there planned for me that will be perfect. So I wait. And I keep applying.
I spent yesterday applying for grad school, and randomly filled out an application for a position at a high school in the Toledo area. I figured that at this point, maybe God was steering me solely in the direction of taking classes and substitute teaching, but thought that I would keep my end of the deal and just keep turning in applications until I know what the plan is for sure. Today I got a call for an interview for this particular position! I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, because I've been brokenhearted about this kind of thing before. I'm just going to keep going forward with both the interview and pursuing my application to grad school and see what exactly God brings my way.
So. In summary:
-I have plans, some of which include teaching, some of which include cats.
-I have an interview on Monday and a graduate school application in-progress.
-I have a family and a boyfriend who support me through all of this, which is probably the only reason I haven't pulled all my hair out or given myself a bleeding ulcer.
-I have a wonderful Heavenly Father who is taking care of me and providing for me, even if it comes at the last minute. He's teaching me the importance of trusting Him and waiting on His timing. And as long as I continue to follow His word and focus on making my life glorify Him in everything I do, He will bless me with a final plan that takes the desires of my heart into consideration.
I might still be waiting, but I'm being blessed while I'm doing it! (And maybe I can pick up a cat along the way...)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Worry Warts Anonymous
I am a worrier by nature. Anyone who knows me well is nodding their head in agreement right now because once you get to know me, you realize just how true this statement is. Ever heard the phrase "stick with your strengths?" Well, worrying is my strength and I do it often--probably to the point of insanity (example: how many posts I have about worrying that I won't have a job in the fall.)
I don't know why I do it so much. I seriously worry about even the most simple and ridiculous things, like the outcome of a conversation (just because I think it went well doesn't necessarily mean the other person felt the same!) or the inflection of someone's voice (what exactly was meaning behind how they said "hello"--were they mad at me for some reason? Did I offend them with how I said hello? Do they secretly hate me?!) See? I'm out of control with this worrying thing! I seriously think I should enroll in "Worry Warts Anonymous"... do they have one of those?
I'm pretty sure God laughs at me constantly about this. I mean, seriously. He's made it clear that I don't have to worry about things because He's taking care of it, and what am I doing? Running around like a chicken with my head cut off worrying about whether or not a principal liked the way I introduced myself in a cover letter... Yup, He's getting a kick out of me! I'm trying so hard to just let things be and not worry about them, especially when it comes to my relationship with H and what kind of life I'm going to have come the middle of August (teaching, or continuing to leech off of my parents for groceries, gas, and free rent), but after about a week of not worrying, I break down. It's like a drug, like I can't go more than a week without worrying about it--I need my worrying fix!! I'll get the shakes and that twitchy look in my eyes (okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration...or is it?) and people start to question my sanity.
I feel like Joseph. He sat in jail for years waiting for God to rescue him and show him what His plan was, and felt like God wasn't there or wasn't listening. Joseph worried that he would be stuck in jail alone and forgotten and what did that mean for his life? Sometimes, I wonder the same thing--am I going to be stuck here, without a career in the fall, and then what will that mean for my life and for my future with H? Where is God, and why is He just letting me sit here and wait/fester with my worriness? At least I can go do things to try to get my mind off of it; poor Joseph was stuck in jail with nothing to do (at least I assume nothing to do. I mean, seriously, how much was there to do in an Egyptian jail back then?). But Genesis clearly says that even when Joseph was in jail "God was with him." He had a plan for Joseph's life, and even though Joseph felt like God was ignoring him and wasn't working on a plan for his life, in reality God was right there working behind the scenes to create a future for Joseph's life (and a pretty darn amazing one at that!) I guess that means that when I feel like God's just letting me sit here and wait and go through life as it is while He works on my greater plan. Worrying really isn't doing me any good I guess...
Does that mean I'll stop being a worry wart? Probably not. Let's be honest, a bad habit is hard to break. But I'm trying! And I'm trying to remember that the more I try to hold on to those worries, the less credit I'm giving God to take care of them. He's the Creator of all things!! For goodness sake, I'm pretty sure he can handle a few small things, like placing me in the right job for the fall, or strengthening my relationship with my future husband.
I just need to find my local chapter of Worry Warts Anonymous...okay, or maybe just pray for more faith and trust :)
I don't know why I do it so much. I seriously worry about even the most simple and ridiculous things, like the outcome of a conversation (just because I think it went well doesn't necessarily mean the other person felt the same!) or the inflection of someone's voice (what exactly was meaning behind how they said "hello"--were they mad at me for some reason? Did I offend them with how I said hello? Do they secretly hate me?!) See? I'm out of control with this worrying thing! I seriously think I should enroll in "Worry Warts Anonymous"... do they have one of those?
I'm pretty sure God laughs at me constantly about this. I mean, seriously. He's made it clear that I don't have to worry about things because He's taking care of it, and what am I doing? Running around like a chicken with my head cut off worrying about whether or not a principal liked the way I introduced myself in a cover letter... Yup, He's getting a kick out of me! I'm trying so hard to just let things be and not worry about them, especially when it comes to my relationship with H and what kind of life I'm going to have come the middle of August (teaching, or continuing to leech off of my parents for groceries, gas, and free rent), but after about a week of not worrying, I break down. It's like a drug, like I can't go more than a week without worrying about it--I need my worrying fix!! I'll get the shakes and that twitchy look in my eyes (okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration...or is it?) and people start to question my sanity.
I feel like Joseph. He sat in jail for years waiting for God to rescue him and show him what His plan was, and felt like God wasn't there or wasn't listening. Joseph worried that he would be stuck in jail alone and forgotten and what did that mean for his life? Sometimes, I wonder the same thing--am I going to be stuck here, without a career in the fall, and then what will that mean for my life and for my future with H? Where is God, and why is He just letting me sit here and wait/fester with my worriness? At least I can go do things to try to get my mind off of it; poor Joseph was stuck in jail with nothing to do (at least I assume nothing to do. I mean, seriously, how much was there to do in an Egyptian jail back then?). But Genesis clearly says that even when Joseph was in jail "God was with him." He had a plan for Joseph's life, and even though Joseph felt like God was ignoring him and wasn't working on a plan for his life, in reality God was right there working behind the scenes to create a future for Joseph's life (and a pretty darn amazing one at that!) I guess that means that when I feel like God's just letting me sit here and wait and go through life as it is while He works on my greater plan. Worrying really isn't doing me any good I guess...
Does that mean I'll stop being a worry wart? Probably not. Let's be honest, a bad habit is hard to break. But I'm trying! And I'm trying to remember that the more I try to hold on to those worries, the less credit I'm giving God to take care of them. He's the Creator of all things!! For goodness sake, I'm pretty sure he can handle a few small things, like placing me in the right job for the fall, or strengthening my relationship with my future husband.
I just need to find my local chapter of Worry Warts Anonymous...okay, or maybe just pray for more faith and trust :)
Monday, June 7, 2010
Fear and Faith
I'm officially down to a size 11/12!! Hooray!! I'm on my way to single digits again! :)
I've been doing a lot of praying for both the weightloss and the job hunt, and my newest prayers is for God to replace my fear with faith. Fear is absolutely useless-- 1 John 4:18 says "But [His] perfect love drives out fear...the one who fears is not made in perfect love." I AM made in perfect love, in His perfect love, and therefore I need to get the fear out of my life. All it does is make me doubt and worry, and why should I need to worry when I have the perfect Creator of all things in control of my life? I don't have to! He has the best plans for me, and all worrying and stressing is going to do is tear me down and make me doubt. So, I'm going to let God replace my fear with faith and wait (as patiently as I can...maybe I should be praying for more patience too lol) for Him to show me the next step.
On that note, I continue to apply for teaching jobs and run/workout daily in hopes that His next step will come soon.
Faith totally kicks fear's butt, anyway.
I've been doing a lot of praying for both the weightloss and the job hunt, and my newest prayers is for God to replace my fear with faith. Fear is absolutely useless-- 1 John 4:18 says "But [His] perfect love drives out fear...the one who fears is not made in perfect love." I AM made in perfect love, in His perfect love, and therefore I need to get the fear out of my life. All it does is make me doubt and worry, and why should I need to worry when I have the perfect Creator of all things in control of my life? I don't have to! He has the best plans for me, and all worrying and stressing is going to do is tear me down and make me doubt. So, I'm going to let God replace my fear with faith and wait (as patiently as I can...maybe I should be praying for more patience too lol) for Him to show me the next step.
On that note, I continue to apply for teaching jobs and run/workout daily in hopes that His next step will come soon.
Faith totally kicks fear's butt, anyway.
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